Our Journey through the Madness of Infertility

Our Journey is Over

2008-04-02T21:21:00.006-06:00

I'm happy to say that our infertility journey is over but a new one has just begun! It only took me over 4 months to finally update this blog and this will probably be my last post. After two weeks of strict bedrest in the hospital, our precious baby girl, Lauren Michele, was born on December 1 at 11:26 AM at 33 weeks and 4 days gestation. She weighed 4 pounds 8 ounces, and was 17 1/2 inches long. She was in the NICU for 16 days with some minor help breathing, but mainly was a "feeder and a grower". She has grown and changed so much in these 4 months and is the absolute light of our lives! She is our precious miracle baby!

Here are some progress photos

I thoroughly enjoyed keeping this blog during our IVF cycle. It served as a very therapeutic outlet during such a stressful time in our lives. Thanks for reading!!

And I thought that was an eventful weekend?

2007-11-23T11:32:00.000-06:00

This has been one interesting week. On Sunday afternoon, I had spent the entire day laying in bed, reading a book, just like I was supposed to do, and got up to go to the bathroom as I had been doing about every 30 minutes, and I wiped and the toilet paper was full of blood. Then, it started coming more heavily. I ran out to the living room where Brad was sound asleep taking a nap and woke him up to tell him I was bleeding. We both ran back to the bathroom where I sat down on the toilet again and it was literally gushing into the toilet so bad that it sounded like I was peeing. I put on 2 pads just in case and we just ran out the door to rush to the hospital which is fortunately only 2 miles from our house. I could tell that the bleeding had already slowed down dramatically and was no longer gushing. We knew that this could happen so we were as prepared for as it as you can be and knew what to do. It definitely helped us both keep a calm/cool head about the blood.

We checked in at the emergency room and finally someone came down with a wheelchair to take me up to L&D. I had called my Dr on the way and she called me while we were still in emergency to find out exactly what was going on and she literally got here 10 minutes after we did. I got into a gown and in bed and when Dr. M got here, she did a speculum exam to take a look inside and cleaned out a lot of of the blood. She said that I'm a good clotter because I was full of clots. I guess that's a good thing if you're going to bleed heavily like that. They then hooked me up to an IV and everyone was preparing us to deliver that night. They even had a NICU nurse come to talk to us about what to expect with an almost 32 weeker. They told us that we had two huge things in our favor - that Lauren is a girl and that we've had the steroid shots. Apparently as a general rule, girls do better than boys do. So, we were very freaked out and I was a basket case, sobbing like crazy. We called our families and told them that we were probably having the baby that night and tried to prepare ourselves mentally which is pretty impossible to do let me tell you. Dr. M came in to do another speculum exam about an hour or so after the first one, and we got the best news we could have ever gotten - the bleeding had completely stopped! So, I was considered stable and we were taking the night to see what happened.

I wasn't allowed to eat anything just in case over night, but because I went the entire night with nothing but some very light spotting so they let me start eating the next morning. I was officially sentenced to STRICT bedrest which means that I'm not allowed out of bed PERIOD. I was given a cathedar which is really not as bad as it sounds because it is very convenient not having to us the bedpan constantly, but I do have the use the dreaded bedpan for you know what - NOT FUN at all and it is really quite humiliating. I also have to have sponge baths in beds and luckily the nurses have figured out a way to wash my hair while laying in bed. I can't tell you how nice it feels to feel clean - I just had a "bed shower" this morning and I feel like a new person. I just have to keep reminding myself that it is all worth it.

So, I've officially been here at the hospital for 5 nights and things have gone relatively well. I did have a second minor bleeding episode on Monday afternoon that was bit scary, but again it stopped very quickly, though it scared both us and Dr. M. Since then, I've had nothing but some brown spotting which is just old blood and nothing to be concerned about.

At this stage of pregnancy, every day is an accomplishment and every week is HUGE. We're praying to make it to at least 34 weeks which is really good. Those babies have a fairly good chance of being able to bottle or breast feed exclusively and she has a really good chance of being able to breath just room air on her own though she may a little bit of oxygen through a canula in her nose. She would likely only need to spend a week or two in the NICU and would hopefully be home in time for Christmas! Babies born earlier say at 32-33 weeks have a hard time "nippling" all their feeds (that's the term that the NICU nurse used) because they either haven't developed a strong enough suckling reflex or just get too tired, so they are typically fed with a feeding tube in their mouth or nose (some 34 weekers have this too). They can receive pumped breast milk this way which is great. The nurse said that their NICU is very pro breast feeding which makes me happy. She said that no matter how little breast milk that I can pump, especially at the beginning, will be given to her. She said that they have a very small unit which is also great because the babies get lots of individual attention and it's a much quieter/calmer environment than other large units where she's worked. She said that parents are allowed to go up there 22 hours a day (they only close for one hour in the morning and one hour in the evening. She said that parents can be as involved as they want in caring for their babies, like feeding, bathing, etc. when they get strong and healthy enough. Some very common problems for preemies are apnea and bradys or a's and b's. Apnea is where the baby "forgets" to breath and they are on monitors that will go off if this happens. She said that they just pat the baby when this happens and then they're fine. Bradys (I know that's not the complete word for it) are heart decels. Babies have to go 5 consecutive days without any episodes before they are allowed to go home, along with gaining wait and nippling all their feeds. I've learned so much about preemies!! I just hope that Lauren never has to see the inside of the NICU though if she comes before 35 weeks, she'll automatically go there. At 35 weeks, the NICU staff will be in the OR but they may or may not need to take her.

So, how am I doing? I'm hanging in there. I have good days and bad days. I was extremely emotional on day 3, Wednesday for some reason. I just couldn't stop crying at everything. I still feel pretty emotional and cry easily, but it's getting better. I'm allowed to be emotional though, this is a really hard thing to deal with. My body aches from laying here 24 hours a day, but turning from my side to my back periodically helps. That's my excitement for the day! I've been watching a lot of TV of course and I've hijacked Brad's work laptop and have been spending a lot of time on-line. Brad has been spending a lot of time up here and his parents are in town for Thanksgiving so they've all come to hang out with me. I had a to go plate for my Thanksgiving dinner and it was very yummy! Brad and his dad are working on finishing the nursery up, painting and putting up chair rail. I can't wait to see the pictures! My mom is coming on Wednesday and my Dad will be coming on Friday. It will be nice to see them, especially since Brad is heading back to work part-time next week. I had to cancel my baby shower since it was supposed to be next weekend. I was sad about that, but it's fine - things just didn't work out. Maybe we'll do something in January or something after Lauren arrives. I feel a bit like a ticking time bomb laying here because I know that the bleeding can start for no reason whatsoever which is pretty scary. I just keep waiting for it to happen. We were told that with the next big bleed, they're cutting. I'm also terrified because they have had to remind me (even though I knew this already) that there is a risk of an emergency hysterectomy with a previa if they can't get the bleeding to stop in the OR. What happens after the baby is born is that the uterus immediately clamps down like a fist and detaches the placenta. This normally happens very easily and the placenta just comes out and the contractions help to stop the bleeding. Unfortunately with a previa, the bottom of the uterus is not as efficient at contracting and it makes it more difficult to stop that bleeding. One good thing in our favor is that even though my previa is complete, the majority of my placenta is posterior which means it is growing up the back of my uterus, which is a much better scenario then when the placenta is literally sitting on the bottom of the uterus, or centered over the cervix. It still has a chance to move up while I'm laying here too so again something to hope for. I believe that I'll have another sono on Monday to check things out, though it was still there last Monday and I don't think that it typically moves that quickly but you never know. As Lauren continues to gain weight, my uterus continues to stretch and grow which is a good thing. It's just a waiting game at this point. We could definitely use some extra prayers for a safe and relatively uneventful delivery.

So, that's the update for now. I'll try to keep this updated though there isn't much to talk about when all you do is lay in bed all day!

What an exciting weekend!

2007-11-12T15:29:00.000-06:00

We had a very eventful few days, but not in a good way. On Thursday afternoon right after getting out of a meeting, I made one of my many daily visits to the restroom and was dismayed to find that I was spotting. I knew that this was a big deal and not something to take lightly with the previa, so I immediately called my OB and of course had to leave a message for the nurse because my OB had just been called in for a delivery. So, I stewed for a couple minutes, and went back to the bathroom to see how things looked and I was having more spotting, so I called the office again and they told me to go straight to labor & delivery.

I drove myself and Brad met me there about 15 minutes later. In that short 15 minutes, they already me in a gown in bed and hooked up to the monitors. Baby Lauren (yes, we finally officially decided on a name!) sounded fantastic and she definitely is not a big fan of the heartbeat monitor because she was kicking the heck out of it the whole time :)! The contraction monitor unfortunately, showed quite a bit of regular activity which they deemed to be uterine irritability and minor contractions that I couldn't feel coming about every 3-5 minutes. The nurse asked how much I'd drank that day and I realized that I might not have drank as much as I normally do, so they started pushing fluids because dehydration can definitely bring this stuff on. I chugged a couple big jugs of water and it still hadn't worked, so they hooked me up to an IV and gave me half a bag in about 10 minutes and that eventually stopped all activity. They take any contractions very seriously with a previa because that is what causes the significant bleeding. So, they kept me on the IV all night and the OB on call talked to me about the likelihood of bedrest but everyone was comforted that the contractions were stopped with fluid alone.

On Friday morning, the Peri showed up but not my normal one and that is a whole other dramatic story that I'll share later. Anyway, this Peri, Dr. K did my sonogram and Baby looked great and is weighing in at 3 pounds 4 ounces, and my cervix was still long and closed which is a very good sign that my body isn't preparing for labor in the next 2-3 weeks. My previa is still complete though. She did tell me that she would recommend a course of steroid shots to help give Lauren's lungs a boost in case she is born too early, and my OB agreed, so I had my first shot at 12:15 on Friday. Because I needed my second shot 12 hours later, and they wanted to continue to monitor me, I spent a second night in the hospital. Let me tell you, those beds are NOT comfortable! I was sleeping in a labor bed which means that it comes apart for delivery so it has all kinds of crazy parts and lumps. The nurse had told me that if I had to stay longer they would get me a more comfy bed. The first night they gave me an Ambien and that really helped but the second night, no such luck. So, on Saturday morning, I woke up at about 5:30 AM and noticed that my contraction monitor was showing regular minor activity again and the nurse came in soon and we started pushing fluids again but without the IV which again got everything under control.

Fortunately, Dr. P, my OB, decided that it would be ok for me to head home on bedrest which I was so grateful for, so we were released around noon on Friday. It was great to get home and take a shower and just be on our own couch and sleep in our own bed! I was told to be a couch potato for the next 6 weeks and stay off my feet as much as possible but I can of course make my MANY trips to the bathroom, take a shower and fix myself something to eat. I'm not allowed to leave the house except for Dr appts so those will be my "big outings". I also have to continue to really push those fluids. I think this will be a long 6 weeks but I just pray that I make it that long! We're still sticking with the plan to have the amnio on Dec 20 and c-section Dec 21. I'm so glad that this happened after Brad got home because I was so scared that it would happen while he was gone! Poor Brad is going to be one busy bee over these next weeks! He is now in charge of laundry, running errands, cooking, everything! He was working non-stop this weekend, while I just pointed and supervised. He's being great though and of course just wants me and Lauren to be ok!

So, that's the exciting update! I have a sono with my regular Peri tomorrow, and I'm sure we'll get some new pics, so I'll post those later.

My hubby is coming home today!!!

2007-11-02T07:53:00.000-06:00

I'm so excited because Brad is FINALLY getting home tonight after a 2 week business trip around the world - literally. I'm so excited to see him!! I didn't post about him being gone before because I'm a paranoid pregnant girl who didn't want to let people know that I was home by myself for that long since this blog can be read by anyone out there on the world wide web.

Anyway, here was his itinerary - he left on Sunday, Oct 21 to fly to Copenhagen with a connection in Zurich, and had to travel by train to Sweden to work for about a day and a half. Then he took the train back to Copenhagan and flew to Duseldorf, Germany on Wednesday morning and worked there for about another day and a half. Then he took the train to Luxembourg and spent Friday and Saturday morning with our friends Geoff and Alison who just moved there for a 2 year rotation for work. On Saturday morning, he took the train to Paris and walked around for about an hour before hopping on a plane to Tokyo. He spent about 2 1/2 days in Japan which he loved by the way, and then flew to Shanghai, China on Wed morning. He worked for a couple days there and then hopped on a plane to Chicago at 4 AM our time, 5 PM their time and will arrive in Chicago at 5 PM the same day! This happens to be Brad's birthday and it will officially be the longest one of his life - 35 hours!! It will also be long because he is spending a large portion of the day on a plane but fortunately, it is his company's policy that for overseas flights he gets to fly business or first class. He will of course fly home from Chicago tonight. Does that itinerary sound exhausting or what?!

I've missed him so much and I was sad that he missed 2 weeks of our pregnancy, but he had a great experience so that's ok. I'm sure he'll be able to see a difference in my girth when he sees me! I also finally get to show him all the great gifts and things we've received as well as our stroller and carseat that arrived the other day! I managed to keep myself pretty busy though Christmas shopping and shopping for baby of course :)!

Last week's update

2007-10-30T18:36:00.001-06:00

My office shower was wonderful! The ladies in my department hosted it and they did such a beautiful job! I was so overwhelmed with everyone's generosity. Here is a pic of the "sea of pink loot" and the beautiful cake.

I had my gestational diabetes test Friday morning and I received the news this morning that I passed! Yippee! I did unfortunately find out that I'm anemic which really isn't a big deal - I just have to take iron supplements. I don't really have any obvious symptoms which I guess is good. I also talked to the OB about scheduling my c-section and it is now officially on the calendar for December 21!! Holy cow!! My amnio will be performed by my Peri on Dec 20. That is less than 2 months away!! It's crazy how real it feels now. Fortunately, I got a pretty good start on Christmas shopping over the weekend. I definitely need to get that done sooner rather than later! If my placenta happens to move out of way in time, we'll just cancel the c-section.

So, that's the update that I promised on the exciting events of last week!

Some promising news

2007-10-21T13:34:00.000-06:00

Here's the newest photo of Stretch! She's getting so big! Anyway, we had our second Peri appt on Friday afternoon and our little girl still looks perfect and now weighs in at a whopping 2 pounds 4 ounces! As far as the status of my placenta, it looks like it is on the move! It is still a complete previa; however, Dr. A couldn't see that it was obviously complete with the abdominal ultrasound so he had to go in and take a look with the probe. He said that it might move still, but because it's still complete at this stage, it's pretty unlikely that it will move far enough away to allow a vaginal delivery which is fine with me. I just want it to move far enough away that it won't be such a risk to me or the baby. We could maybe also postpone delivery some in that scenario, but we'll just have to see. Our next appointment is Nov 13.

In other exciting news, I'm officially in the third trimester! I can't believe it!! We have also reached the point of viability which is such a relief. I know it's been a while since I posted a belly shot so here's my 27 week one which also happens to be one of my bare belly!

I have my next OB appointment on Thursday morning along with my gestational diabetes test (yuck) and my office baby shower that afternoon (yay)! I'm very excited! I'll be sure and update after the big events of the week!

One of those blue days

2007-10-16T09:50:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling really down today after getting the terrible news last night that one of my dear friends is miscarrying. This particular friend has been through far more infertility hell than ANYONE deserves, way more than me, and it just truly breaks my heart. I was so over the moon excited about her BFP that I was practically jumping out of my skin and now this - not that my excitement or subsequent sadness is anything compared to her's or her husband's. I just keep asking myself - why? Why her? Why anyone? This just sucks :(.

Good news and bad news

2007-10-01T08:12:00.000-06:00

I'll start with the good news first...

We had our Peri appt with Dr. A on Friday and little Stretch looks absolutely perfect! We also confirmed that she is all girl which we are very excited about! She's getting so big! In just 4 weeks, she went from 10 ounces to 1 pound 6 ounces. She's really packing on the pounds :)! We could see her profile this time and she had both hands in front of her face and she was sticking her tongue out, sort of licking her hands - it was very cool! My parents also came into town this weekend and we had planned to register which we did and that was a lot of fun, until Brad got tired and rushed us out of there - men! We also bought our furniture which we though we would have to order and wait for 10 weeks but we were pleasantly surprised to find out that they had it all in stock so we got to take it home and Brad and my Dad got it all set up. We of course then had to go out and buy the mattress and bedding to see what the finished crib will look like and it's adorable! Our bedding is pastel greens and pinks and whites with little lady bugs, dragonflies and flowers on it. Now we have to get the room painted, pick out a chair and get some more accessories. Oh, and we haven't tackled the closet yet - not looking forward to that job. It's so exciting to have it coming together!

So, onto the bad news...my placenta really hasn't moved at all. Dr. A told me that based on the way it looks now, he really doesn't expect it to resolve, so we talked about the plan. I go back on Oct 19 for another follow-up and will continue to have regular follow ups to monitor any changes. Assuming it doesn't resolve and I've been major complication free, at 36 1/2 weeks he will do an amnio to check for lung maturity and if she's ready to come out, my c-section will be right away because it's pretty imperative that they deliver before I go into labor or start having any real contractions. He also told me that though some women never bleed that most do at some point, and the first bleed is usually not life threatening - uh great. I'm thinking that it is a positive thing that I haven't had any bleeding or even spotting yet. We're just continuing to pray that I don't have any major bleeding episodes that would require a very early delivery or would be very dangerous to me or the baby. He did point out to me that he has to give really bad news to women everyday about the health of their babies, so I'm pretty lucky to have a perfect little munchkin in there! I'm incredibly grateful for that!

I'm OB-less!

2007-09-26T13:38:00.000-06:00

I had my regular OB appointment yesterday and my regular doc, Dr. K, is still on maternity leave so I continued my floating and instead saw the brand new doc to the practice, Dr. M. Anyway, they informed me that Dr. K has decided to become a stay at home mom to her three boys! I can't say I blame her at all since I'm doing it too, but I'm a little sad to be losing her. I also couldn't imagine going through all that education - 9 years of medical school and residency! - and then retiring, but I also couldn't imagine having her schedule with three little ones. Her husband is also a Dr so they both have a lot on their plates career-wise. Good for her! I get to see her one more time because she is coming back just for the month of October. So, I now have to choose another of the three docs for my regular one. The one that I really want, Dr. B, is actually pregnant (with her second IVF baby!) and is due right before me so I guess it wouldn't make much sense to pick her, hmmm.

So, the rest of the appointment was fairly uneventful, with a perfectly sized uterus, very strong heartbeat in the 150's and slightly more weight gain that I expected, until Dr. M asked me about my Peri appt. I told her I have it scheduled for Friday and she then asked me if I understood why I needed to see him. I said yes, because of the previa and she said yes, and because we couldn't see the arteries exiting the heart - uh WHAT??? That was the first that I had heard this! She told me that it was nothing to freak out about (easy for her to say), but that it was simply that the sonographers try to see where the two major arteries (pulmonary and aorta) exit the heart because they should exit from the correct chambers and apparently she couldn't get a good enough picture to see. Apparently my Peri has much better equipment for that sort of thing so he can check it for us. I have to believe that this is not a big deal or a sign that something could be wrong or the other two doctors who I've talked to since the ultrasound would have said something. She assured me that everything about the heart that they could see looked perfect. I'm a little worried, but not terribly.

So, in other baby news, we saw my belly jumping for the first time last night! I'm sure that I could have seen it before if I'd stared at my bare belly for long enough, but last night she was really doing karate chops so we could see it through my shirt! Then I lifted it up and we could see it even better. It was so cool! I just love it!

Still can't believe this is really happening

2007-09-20T09:13:00.000-06:00

I am still in shock that I have an actual baby growing and kicking :) inside of me! It seems so surreal at times, but I am LOVING every moment! I have been making more frequent trips to Babies R Us and other baby stores lately, trying to make some final decisions on registry, bedding, furniture, etc., and I still hear that nagging little voice in the back of my head asking if I really belong here. Yes, as a matter of fact, I do and it's becoming quite obvious now! For so many years, I avoided those places like the plague and if I was forced to go in, it was in and out as fast as I could possibly move. What a difference a few months can make!

Ever since we found out that Stretch is a girl, we've received so many gifts and adorable baby girl clothes! I've also become quite the shopaholic myself. This little girl is going to be quite the fashionista! I'm secretly nervous that they got it wrong and she is really a he and we're going to have all this pink stuff, but I know that the chances of that are pretty slim. I'm going to have Dr. A double check for me next week to make me feel more confident that we can proceed with the buying of pink.

Last week I finally broke the news to my boss that I am not coming back. I was so nervous about it and had worked myself into quite a tizzy over it, but it actually went very smoothly. He was very understanding and I really don't think he was all that surprised. He told me that he just wants me to be happy which was nice. I was afraid that things would be awkward between us, but things are pretty much business as usual. We are going to start looking for a replacement soon and I'll hopefully be able to train that person before I leave. I plan to work right up to before Christmas by the way (if I can). I figure I can't travel anyway so I might as well earn as much cash as possible.

I'm very anxiously awaiting our appointment with Dr. A next Friday only a week to go! I'll keep you posted on the status of my placenta. I keep talking to it, encouraging it to move, so we'll see if it has listened to me.

More placenta previa talk

2007-09-04T14:29:00.000-06:00

I've been a researching fool ever since I got the diagnosis, and just wanted to share a little bit of that with you. I have been told so many differing statistics about the resolution of these things that I was going crazy! I heard from one OB that 95% resolve, then another said 85% resolve, then I read articles online that 90% resolve. Anyway, I was interested in finding information that was specific to complete previas (what I have) and finally found an article that had statistics for each. Here's the link http://www.aafp.org/afp/20070415/1199.html. Anyway, it says that previas are less likely to move in women who have had a previous C-section (one point in my favor!), because it seems that placentas like to adhere to scar tissue. Of course I worry about having scar tissue from my D&C but I know that would definitely not be as significant as C-section scarring.

So, this article says that for complete previas with no previous c/s that are diagnosed at 15-19 weeks (mine was diagnosed at 20), that 20% will persist to delivery and if it's still there at 24-27 weeks 56% will persist. It all depends on the position of the placenta though, i.e., how far the overlap is, and I don't have that information yet. I know my Peri will look at it in greater detail and take measurements and all that good stuff. I've also found a message board on Babycenter (they have message boards for everything!) for placental problems and have found many stories of women whose placentas eventually moved and also of women who had no bleeding at all though it seems that majority whose persisted did have at least one bleeding episode.

One of my online friends had a complete previa that persisted to delivery and she had a bleeding episode at 33 weeks and spent 3 days in the hospital and then went home on bedrest for the rest of her pregnancy until they delivered her baby girl by uneventful c/s at 36 weeks. I think that her experience is pretty typical. I also find it pretty crazy that we would both have this happen because it's relatively uncommon! I must say that at the time that she was going through it, I really didn't understand just how serious it can be but I have definitely been educated! They say that you are the highest risk for bleeding at 28 weeks and beyond due to cervical changes, dilation and contractions. The goal is to schedule your c/s before labor begins, so it's almost always going to be scheduled before 40 weeks, most often around 37 weeks.

There are lots of other crazy complications that could happen with previas that I won't go into here, but here's a good general article about it - http://www.babycenter.com/0_placenta-previa_830.bc?Ad=com.bc.common.AdInfo%4053b252a

On a much lighter note, we went to Vegas for Labor Day weekend and had a GREAT time! We spent a lot of time relaxing out by the pool, saw a show, ate some great meals and Brad did some gambling and ended up coming out WAY ahead which is very exciting! More money to cover some of those big baby gear expenses, woohoo!

Here is our daughter!

2007-08-28T20:10:00.000-06:00

It's so surreal to use that word! I love it!

Here is the "money shot" that left no doubt that yes, she is a girl!
Here is her face! We couldn't get a profile shot because she was facing forward, folded in half with her feet up by her face - she's quite the contortionist! You can even see the heart in this pic. It's the dark spot on her chest.

Results of the BIG U/S!!

2007-08-28T10:14:00.000-06:00

It's a GIRL!! We are so excited! She showed us the "goods" immediately and was not shy at all! She was wiggling around like crazy and looks absolutely perfect! Now for the fun to begin! Brad took the pics to work with him so I'll post some tonight. She's so beautiful!

Unfortunately, this pregnancy was not destined to be complication free. I have a complete placenta previa. That means that the placenta is completely covering my cervix which automatically makes this a high risk pregnancy, so I'm being sent off the Perinatal specialist for sonograms every 4 weeks to see what the placenta's position is. I go for my first one on Sept 28. They can sometimes move up and away from the cervix as the uterus grows, and I was told that the majority do move, so we're praying that happens. If not, it will mean an automatic C-section, possible early delivery and bedrest. It looked like the placenta is posterior which means that it is growing up the back of the uterus with the bottom covering the cervix so in that position, we have a greater chance of it moving up the back of my uterus. So far I haven't had any bleeding or spotting or anything, but it is apparently very common with previas, especially in the third trimester so I have to be very careful and watch out for that and may wind up in the hospital for my bedrest. I've been put on pelvic rest and I'm going to be taking it easy from now on. I've read a few articles and have seen some scary stuff in there (worst case scenario stuff) and I'll admit, I'm pretty freaked out about it. I would appreciate any prayers!

Oh how times have changed

2007-08-24T13:38:00.000-06:00

First, I'll apologize for my rant in my last post. That stuff does bother me, don't get me wrong, but I was having one of those days when EVERYTHING got on my nerves. Just an example of how bad it was, I was riding the elevator down that afternoon and had of course pushed 1 for the bottom floor, and this girl gets on at the floor below me and for some reason felt the need to push 1 again even though it was lit, and yes, that annoyed me! Ah, pregnancy hormones :)!

So, on to the reason for this entry. I was just reflecting on what a drastic turn my outlook has taken. For example, I've started recording A Baby Story everyday and get so excited to watch it! This is a show that you couldn't have paid me enough to watch just a few short months ago - way too painful. I went to a baby shower a few weeks ago and it was the first time that I didn't cry on my way home in oh about 3 years and it felt great! I see pregnant women out in public and instead of feeling sad and looking away, I find myself smiling at them. Of course, I do secretly wonder if they had it easy or not, and I do get jealous of the "had it easy" crowd, but trust me this is a huge improvement. When I see a hugely pregnant woman that looks visibly uncomfortable out in this Texas August heat, I actually feel real sympathy for her and believe me when I say that this is a new one! When I see new mothers or couples with tiny babies, I think with great joy about how that will be us soon, not, I wonder if that will ever be us which is a terribly depressing thought for someone who wants nothing more than to be a mother. I think that I will always hold some bitterness and residual pain from our struggle deep inside, but it feels incredible to have such an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders!

Only 3 more days until the BIG U/S!!!!

Irritating news story

2007-08-22T14:19:00.000-06:00

This morning as we were getting ready for work, I heard Matt Lauer giving the introduction on the Today Show (my favorite morning show by the way!), and one of the top stories was, "A woman has given birth to identical quadruplets without the use of fertility drugs!" What? Gasp! No fertility drugs for indentical quadruplets which means that a single egg and sperm spontaneously split into 4 babies! Yes folks, it could happen to anyone. If they had been fraternal quads, yes, they likely were conceived with the help of fertility drugs. I get so annoyed with the misinformed media and public for that matter (probably as a result of stories like these) on matters related to reproduction and conception. I didn't see the story, but I highly doubt that they addressed the difference between identicals and fraternals, i.e. single versus multiple eggs, and explained that identicals are completely spontaneous and random occurances. Of course Brad reminded me that if we hadn't gone through this, we would assume that they were a result of fertility treatments and he's maybe, probably right. I also know that there are many people who read this blog who are "fertile" who don't know all the ins and outs of conception and the infertility world (and they're certainly not going to learn it from the media), but that is one of my goals here - to try to educate. Another one that gets me are the people who say that because their husbands have twins in their families so they have a higher chance of having twins too. Uh, sorry to say but the husbands have nothing to do with it. They always have millions of sperm while it's up to the woman to release the multiple eggs or for the embryo to spontaneously split which again has nothing to do with genetics.

So, that's my little fertility lesson of the day. Stepping off my soapbox now...

18 Weeks!!

2007-08-15T07:55:00.000-06:00

Here's my 18 week belly shot!
My very talented photographer seems to have cut off the top of my head! The most important thing is the belly, right? I'll start posting them about every two weeks or so.

I get weekly e-mails from Babycenter that tell me about what is going on with the baby that week and they usually have a food reference for the size of the baby, like one week it was a jumbo shrimp, another week an avocado, etc. Anyway, I always forward them on to Brad and he likes to read them out to his staff (he's so cute and excited :)!). So, last week, it said that the baby was the size of a large onion so one of the girls decided to print out a picture of an onion and wrote Stretch on it and hung it on his whiteboard - this morning, there was a picture of a sweet potato :).

I think I forgot to mention that at my Dr appointment on Monday, they drew blood for the AFP test which is the one that tests for the risk of spina bifida and other neural tube defects. Anyway, I got the results and everything was good! I really wasn't worried about it, but it's always a relief to hear that the results were just fine.

Look what I found!

2007-08-13T12:13:00.000-06:00

Someone posted a link to this cool website that has all kinds of nifty things that you can order related to infertility, like T-Shirts, baby bibs or onesies. Anyway, I picked out one that I really like that I'm definitely going to order for Stretch -

I know most people don't know what that means, but ART stands for Advanced Reproductive Technologies, basically IVF. I thought it was so cute and clever!

Brad wants this one -

Pretty funny, huh?

Our appointment went well today. I've only gained about 5 pounds total which is just crazy because I've been eating like a pig lately! I guess this means that my metabolism is just cranking away! We got to hear the heartbeat again and her doppler measures the rate and it's a strong 154! She pointed out that if you believe the old wives tale, it's a girl...hmm. The most exciting part about today's appointment was that we scheduled our BIG U/S for August 28!! I cannot wait!! Dr. K is about to pop! She's huge! She is a tiny little person to begin with so there's nowhere for that baby to go except for out in front. This was the last time we'll see her for a couple months, but I'm looking forward to meeting the other two docs.

Speaking of eating like a pig, I think that Stretch must have liked the two chocolate chip cookies I ate at lunch today, because I think I'm really feeling some flutters right now! It's still not consistent because I'll think I feel something and then go several days with nothing, but I'm really thinking that these are kicks!

A Woman with an Obsession

2007-08-12T08:51:00.000-06:00

I am completely obsessed with finding just the "right" stroller and car seat. I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent researching reviews, message boards, etc. - it's crazy! It all started with our first trip to Babies R Us two weeks ago, and hasn't stopped since. I want to make sure that we make the right decision and I'm trying my best to pick out a stroller that we will be happy with using for years down the road, so I'm trying to find one that is good quality, lightweight and preferably folds like an umbrella stroller to take up as little room as possible in my trunk. It also needs a basket that is large enough. Then, Brad has to test them all and if he kicks the wheels then it's out. Who knew this would be such an agonizing decision!

My doctor's appointment is finally tomorrow! Thank goodness I have my doppler because it made this long wait tolerable. Speaking of dopplers, we listened yesterday morning and had such a strong reading that we could actually hear Stretch's heart valves closing shut! So cool! The CD that came with our doppler had an example of this so we recognized it as soon as we heard it. I think the most exciting thing about tomorrow's appointment for me will be scheduling our BIG u/s!! I can't wait!!

Just an update

2007-08-05T15:57:00.000-06:00

I've been neglecting my blog lately, so this will just be a miscellaneous update. Here is my 16 week belly shot! I look like I'm carrying this baby really high, but I'm pretty sure that it's just my "guts" being pushed up and out now that my uterus has moved and is now standing up straight. Strangers are starting to notice my belly now, well they've just started making comments to me anyway. Last week in the elevator, the guy who was in there with me just said congratulations. At first, I couldn't figure out what he was talking about! Then a lady at work who is apparently out of the gossip loop was in the bathroom with me and she just flat out asked me if I was pregnant. She said she figured it was either that or I'd suddently gained a lot of weight! I'm loving looking pregnant!

I'm finally starting to feel better about food which is very nice! I even cooked dinner a few times last week! I know Brad is happy about that. I still can't stand the thought of eating a big hunk of meat like a steak, but I at least can stomach a peice of chicken. I still have my queasy moments, but those are becoming few and far between. I haven't really had too many crazy cravings, mainly just chocolate but that is nothing new for me - now I just succumb to those cravings! I'm also in a constant state of hunger and pretty much have to eat every 2 hours or I'm one unhappy girl. I went from having to force myself to eat to wanting to eat 24/! I still have pretty bad heartburn, but am trying to put off switching to Zantac as long as I can - Tums do the job so far.

I also finally decided to rent a doppler so that we can listen to Stretch any time we want to. I tried to put it off for as long as I could, but I was going crazy waiting for out next appt! Anyway, we've had it about a week and have heard the heartbeat 3 times and we're going to use it tonight - I can't wait! I'm now only going to use it once a week (I was a little obsessed at first). It is really nice having that little reassurance that everything is A-OK in there.

I am not positive, but I might have felt some movement over the last week. It's so hard to tell though. They say that for most first pregnancies, movement isn't felt until 18-20 weeks, so who knows. I can't wait to feel some real kicks so I will know for sure!

So, that's my update - all crammed into one random entry!

Happy (Early) Birthday to Me!

2007-07-19T08:54:00.000-06:00

My birthday is actually tomorrow but I won't be able to post then, so I'm doing it a day early. I'm turning 31 - gasp! I'm officially an old hag and I can prove it with a head full of gray hair which I am incidentally having covered today with a strong dose of dye. I remember back in my innocent days, thinking that 31 was so old to be having your first baby - hah! I was going to be one of the first of my friends to have a baby - hah! Well, that really came back to bite me in the butt! Oh well, one big lesson I've learned through out this is life doesn't always turn out the way you plan, no matter how hard you try. I must say, this birthday is MUCH more pleasant than my last one, considering that I'm pregnant and all :).

In other news, I'm now an aunt of three! My sister gave birth to a little girl, her second child, over the weekend. Everyone is happy and healthy which is a very good thing. We will be making the trip down to meet her in the next couple of weeks!

Feeling incredibly lucky with a healthy dose of guilt

2007-07-18T16:47:00.000-06:00

As I enter the second trimester (YAY!) of this relatively uneventful pregnancy which appears that it very likely will result in a healthy baby, I am feeling so incredibly lucky and grateful to be here. The road to get here was long, painful and hellish at times, but looking back, I wouldn't change it. I'm not going to say that these things happen for a reason because I don't really believe that, but I am grateful for the experiences that I have had. I have met some of the most incredible women through the world wide web who have also dealt with infertility who have been a lifeline of support for me when I had no one in my real life who could relate. I have grown as a person and have realized that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I have learned an ENORMOUS amount about my body and the miracle of conception - I should have an honorary MD in infertility! Brad and I became closer as a couple and we realized that we can endure through the hardest of times. We were able to have so many wonderful experiences that we would never have had if I had gotten pregnant immediately, like travel to Italy, Mexico a few times, the Virgin Islands, the list goes on. We are more prepared financially and mentally than ever for a child. We KNOW how much we want this - how ready we are for this life change of starting a family.

So, why the guilt? Well, I have what you would call survivor's guilt. I feel guilty that I was the "lucky" one who managed to get pregnant on my first IVF try but have left so many behind. My heart breaks for my fellow "soldiers" still fighting the war - especially those who went through their IVF cycles at the same time as us, whose cycles failed or worse yet, ended in miscarriage :(. It is just not fair and it completely sucks!!! I pray for those women in the trenches constantly and I will never forget my pain - their pain.

I recently found this blog written by a woman in South Africa who has been through far more infertility wise than I went through, including the loss of twins at 21+ weeks, multiple miscarriages, and 6 IVFs, but she is now the mother of boy/girl twins! She is also a published author of a book on infertility and has become somewhat of a spokesperson for the "industry". Anyway, she has had this blog for years and reading her entries regarding infertility are like reading my own thoughts, if I was as eloquent as her! I know that most people don't have the time or patience to sit and read all this stuff, but I thought I'd post the link anyway because it really has touched me - I found myself laughing one minute and crying the next.

http://www.tertia.org/so_close/infertility_reflections/index.html

Enjoy!!

More good news...

2007-07-12T07:09:00.000-06:00

I got the blood test results from my NT scan and it was normal - yay!! One less thing to worry about now! My OB appt went very well yesterday too. I have only gained about 2-2.5 pounds which I'm very happy with - yay me! This is right on track with the recommended 3 pounds in the first trimester. I just hope that I can hold it to no more than 30 pounds total because I really don't want to have to lose a ton of baby weight plus the weight that I needed to lose before I got pregnant. We got to hear the heartbeat and she found it fairly quickly which was exciting! Still holding strong at 161 beats per minute! Oh, and Dr. K asked me if the peri made a guess at the gender at my NT and we told her that he guessed girl. So, I asked Dr. K how often he is right and she said that he is almost always right, like 95% of the time - hmmm...I'm still not calling this baby a she!

I think that I'm going to have to break down and start stocking up on maternity clothes now. I'll probably go on a shopping spree this weekend. I have bought a few things, but it's definitely not enough. I'm going to have to buy like three seasons worth of stuff - it's going to start adding up, yikes!

Finally spilling all the beans...

2007-07-10T15:01:00.000-06:00

Well, I think we have officially told everyone our news! I finally broke down and told work yesterday and I'm still enjoying the trickle down effect of the news spreading to the other departments. It's been really fun actually with all the congratulations and hugs that I've been receiving! One of the ladies who I work with who is so sweet and a grandmother herself even started crying and that of course made me cry! Brad has kind of been in charge of telling the world because I've been a big chicken about it, so this was my first time really telling people in person that I'm pregnant, if you can believe that. It's really fun to say by the way! Of course, I'm the 4th girl here at work who has announced their pregnancy in the last year or so, so I'm getting lots of there must be something in the water or it must be contagious comments - I want to say, oh well if that's all it takes, maybe I should ask for a refund for the thousands of dollars that I gave my Dr! I don't say that of course, I just keep my mouth shut and say something like this baby was a long time coming or years in the making. I'm not shy about it. My entire department knew about my miscarriage so they know how long we've been trying, at least since then. I was really nervous about telling my boss because I know how much he relies on me and how afraid he is of losing me. I haven't told him yet that I don't plan to come back, but of course I feel so bad because it's obvious that he already stressed out about me being out for just a few months based on some of the comments that he's made - ack! I haven't figured out when to break that news, but it will definitely be at least a couple months in advance to give them an opportunity to try to find a replacement.

So, I'm officially 13 weeks today!! Yippee!! I'm still feeling about the same and haven't yet experienced the so-called second trimester rejuvenation, but I'm waiting patiently! I don't really think I'm in the second trimester yet, even though some books and websites say that I am. I believe that it begins at 14 weeks because of course 40 divided by 3 is about 13 weeks, not 12. I'm pretty exhausted all the time still and still pretty queasy at night, but it really isn't too bad - it just makes it tough to find things that I like to eat that are also good for me. A new thing for me is that I woke up at 3 AM literally starving to death. My stomach was growling loudly and full force, so I had to get out of bed and eat something. Hmm, I wonder if this will be a recurring thing. Maybe I should start keeping food by the bed!

In other news - I have my first just regular OB appointment tomorrow afternoon and I am guessing that we'll get to listen to the heartbeat and who knows what else. I'm also still waiting on the bloodwork results from our NT scan. I'm not stressed about it, but I would like to just get the results and be done with it. I'll keep y'all posted!

Here are the new pics!

2007-07-05T18:13:00.001-06:00

Here is the profile shot!

This one is the face shot. You can see the skull and facial bones and a big round belly :)!

Breathing a huge sigh of relief!!

2007-07-05T09:36:00.000-06:00

We're back from our NT scan ultrasound and everything looked just great!! The baby is measuring just fine with a good strong heartbeat (160 bpm) and we got to hear it today for the first time! We also saw Stretch's arm waving around in there but otherwise, she/he was just chilling in there (must have been napping like mommy wanted to be!), so the Dr was able to see all kinds of stuff. The NT measurement was 1.1 and we wanted it between 1-3 so you can't get much better than that, and now we wait for blood results to come back to complete to test and that should be in about a week or less. The Dr. actually got a great between the legs shot and took a guess at the gender though he stressed that it's way too early to know for sure but he guessed........Girl!! I'm certainly not going to get my heart set on a girl just yet - we'll have to wait for the big u/s to know for sure and I haven't made that appt yet. I can't wait!! I'll post the u/s pics tonight when we get home.

I'm so excited and feel like I can finally start breathing easier and truly enjoy this time in our lives - woohoo!!!

Told you so!!

2007-06-29T07:41:00.000-06:00

I said I would get in trouble for that last entry, and I was right! I did also get some positive feedback reminding me that I'm normal. Fears during pregnancy are completely normal - most people just don't put it all out there for the world to see.

I went back and re-read what I wrote again, and I think I focused too much on the fear and I didn't really talk much about the positives so I will dedicate this post to those. I had just found out that one of the girls in my April IVF online buddy group had lost her identical twins at 10+ weeks :( so it really brought those fears to the surface.

I don't want anyone to misunderstand me - I am absolutely, completely, 100%, unbelievably grateful to FINALLY be pregnant!! There are so, so many women out there who haven't been as fortunate as me. I love the little pooch that is beginning to develop on my not so flat stomach. If I let it all hang out, I actually kind of look pregnant! I love to do it in front of the mirror, and even sneak a peek at work in the bathroom if nobody is around because they don't know yet :). I've even started to collect a few materity clothes which is exciting for me and a big step, but a necessary one because I can't fit in to several things anymore, woohoo! I LOVE the idea of this tiny little person swimming and kicking around inside me - it's an absolutely incredible feeling and an absolute miracle - I'm in total awe and in complete love!

I don't want people to think that I am completely stressed out either. Yes, I said that I am scared but those are really two different things. What I felt while waiting to take my pregnancy test after IVF, now THAT was some serious stress, but what I feel now is MUCH less severe. I'm a worrier by nature, and I realize that the risk of losing the baby at this stage is extremely minimal, I want to say around 3% after seeing a healthy munchkin at 9 weeks (that is the root of my fears by the way), and I find lots of comfort in that (when I'm thinking rationally which is difficult for the pregnant woman sometimes!), but it still doesn't completely eliminate that worry. I know too much and I've seen it happen far too many times, see above. Now, once we see a HEALTHY Stretch at 12 weeks, that risk will be even less, and that's when I think I'll finally be able to breath a sigh of relief.

What I said about being afraid to think that far ahead is true. I do have a very hard time thinking in trms of WHEN we have the baby. It feels so foreign to me! I do talk about it more lately, but it still kind of freaks me out. I think that the miscarriage has a lot to do with that. When I was pregnant before, even though we didn't tell many people, I was in full blown thinking ahead mode, but we got burned - big time. I think I'm just feeling extra cautious about making those plans yet. It's really hard to explain. I know I'll eventually get past that weirdness, I just need time! I think safely getting out of the first trimester will be a great milestone for me.

I keep feeling that having taken the "long" road, that I'm under more pressure than most to "act" ecsatic all the time about this pregnancy and have that constant pregnancy glow when in reality, I'm so darned tired all the time, and just feel like a giant bump on a log! Hopefully I'll develop that glow in the second trimester because, trust me, I want to be "that girl"!

Trying to relax and enjoy...

2007-06-28T07:49:00.000-06:00

But it is so hard!! I'm probably going to get in trouble for this post, but this is basically my journal, so I promised myself that I would be as honest as possible! I'm still just in a constant state of fear - waiting for the other shoe to drop, as they say. I know that this is completely due to my experiences - I think that 3 years of nothing but disappointment and a devastating miscarriage have really damaged me! I think I must have post traumatic stress disorder or something! I just find it so hard to believe that this pregnancy will actually really result in our dream of a real live baby! Most of the time, I just don't allow myself to think that far ahead which is frustrating I know for Brad and probably my family also. I know that everyone expects me to be in a constant state of euphoria and just bouncing on the clouds, but I just don't feel that way, because like I said before, I'm scared of it all crashing down. Now, I have my moments, like during and just after my ultrasounds, when I do allow my mind to go there or when it's just me and Brad and he kisses or rubs my tummy and we talk about Stretch, I know I get a goofy smile on my face and that dreamy look in my eyes and it's those moments that I'm truly ecstatic, I just haven't figured out how to sustain that! I have another u/s coming up on July 5, when I'll be 12weeks2days and I think (I hope!) that once we see a healthy baby bouncing around in there, I'll be able to finally relax and enjoy because we'll be out of that dreaded first trimester. Of course I have additional fears about this u/s, because this is a scan (NT Screening) to see if Stretch is at higher risk of having Down Syndrome or another chromosomal disorder. I'm just hoping and praying that we pass with flying colors!!

Introducing Stretch!

2007-06-15T16:28:00.001-06:00

Isn't he/she just precious??!! Brad has named the baby Stretch because of the stretches that he/she was doing today. The head is on the left and the rump is on the right. You can kind of sort of make out some limbs, especially the legs that are kind of curled up towards the belly, but it's hard to tell right now. The sac and fluid are really much larger than they appear, but Stretch is kind of hiding in the corner so at this angle, it looks like he takes up the whole thing! We are over the moon excited!!

Ultrasound results!!

2007-06-15T12:35:00.000-06:00

Everything looks just perfect! The baby is measuring 9weeks2days which is right on with a heart rate of 159 which she said is perfectly normal! It's amazing how much bigger the munchkin has gotten - he or she is a whole inch long now :)! It was so cool, we were sitting there watching and all of a sudden the baby started stretching and just moving and grooving in there - I can't wait to feel those movements! We got a great picture that I will post tonight when I get home. Our next ultrasound will be at 12 weeks so right around July 4 for the NT test, which is a special ultrasound to look for markers of chromosomal abnormalities like Down's by measuring the fluid on the back of the neck. I guess there's always something to worry about! We can't wait to see our little baby again!

Nothing to report

2007-06-13T17:01:00.000-06:00

Well, I had my first OB appointment today and unfortunately, I did not get an u/s today even though I was totally prepared for one! Oh well. Today, we just met with Dr. K and she went over all the do's and don'ts and took a ton of blood. I go back Friday at 11:30 for the sono so I'm looking forward to that - I hope time passes quickly!!

I'm back!!

2007-06-12T18:48:00.000-06:00

It's been a while!! So, we had a wonderful vacation and 7th anniversary celebration (holy cow!) and now we're trying to get back into the swing of things which is tough for the pregnant girl :)! We loved Puerto Rico and St. Thomas, but our absolute favorite was St. John, and now we are anxious to go back there to spend our entire vacation (we were only there for the day). The pic is of us overlooking Trunk Bay in St. John, one of the most beautiful beaches (well probably THE most beautiful beach) we've ever seen.

As far as the pregnancy goes, I'm feeling ok, still really tired and I'm having some episodes of queasiness, normally at night (I'm feeling yucky as we speak), and lots of food aversions which is very unusual for me, ha ha! It's so strange having foods that I normally love sounding horrible to me right now. My main aversions, at least today, are meat and vegetables, blech! I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner tonight - I guess Brad may be out of luck in the cooking department for a little while! I also have my first OB appt tomorrow afternoon! I'm excited but still feeling nervous, which I guess will never completely go away. We're very much looking forward to seeing the bambino again and hope and pray that he/she looks perfect :)!! Oh, by the way, I'm 9 weeks today! Time is already passing so quickly. Of course, the week vacation really helped in that department. It was really nice having a break from Dr. Google and all the message boards - I'm a bit obsessed!

I'm still trying to adjust to life without my sweet Dexter. It is going to take some getting used to. You don't realize how much you will miss the little things, like greeting him as soon as I walk in the door with a hi sweetpea! or leaving the shower door open in the morning so he can lick the water up, or seeing him laying in the bathroom doorway every morning while I get ready for work. I think we will eventually get another pet, probably another kitty. I'm not quite ready just yet, but I can't imagine being petless for too much of an extended time.

Dusting off those old pregnancy books...

2007-06-01T06:37:00.000-06:00

In my previous pregnancy, I read them all - I inhaled them practically the second I found out, I was so excited to be pregnant and I wanted to learn as much as possible! This time around, it hasn't been quite like that. First, I know a heck of a lot more about pregnancy after reading them once, but second, I was afraid to get them out. They've been collecting dust in a cabinet now for 2 years and I didn't want to start reading again for nothing. Now that I've seen that beautiful heartbeat though, I'm comfortable enough to make the move, so I've slowly started re-reading them. It was especially strange getting my day by day journal out and taking out the sticky notes from last time (because I was too afraid to actually write in the book). I didn't read them, just pulled them out and threw them away. Like I said, I'm feeling much more comfortable, though I'm not going to be completely confident until that second ultrasound, which is scheduled by the way for June 13 with my OB! I can't wait to see the little munchkin again! Hopefully we'll be able to hear the heartbeat too!

I'll be away for a week because we are leaving for our vacation today at 3:30. I can't wait!! We will be spending 3 nights in Puerto Rico and 5 nights in St. Thomas. This is a very much needed vacation for both of us after a very stressful IVF cycle, wild emotional rollercoaster of a week, and Brad's working his butt off for the past 5 months. I feel so fortunate that we are able to travel like we do. The main reason is because Brad travels so much for work, so he earns plenty of points and airline miles - in fact, this trip is 100% on miles and points! We certainly take advantage of it!

Have a fantastic week!

RIP

2007-05-30T07:31:00.000-06:00

It's over. My precious kitty has gone to a better place. It's been a rough couple days, but I'm also relieved that it is over. I ended up leaving work early because I was such a wreck and I wanted to spend as much time as possible with him before the appointment at 6:30. When I got home, he was even worse than he had been that morning. I believe that his kidneys were probably completely shutting down. He could hardly stand yesterday, it was just horrible. I am so glad that we decided to do it yesterday because he was suffering so badly. I cuddled with him and gave him plenty of hugs and kisses and said my goodbyes. I called my wonderful pet sitter who had been with him this weekend and she started crying but reassured me that we were doing the right thing based on her seeing how bad he had gotten. The vet told Brad that he was definitely doing the right thing too. Brad stayed the whole time and said that he just fell asleep instantly. I know that he's better off now, but it sure was hard to say goodbye.

Here is our baby!

2007-05-29T15:13:00.001-06:00

Wow, my third post of the day!! Here is the pic!! The baby is that blobby looking spot up at the top of the sac, between the two plus signs. Isn't he/she beautiful :)?!

We have...

2007-05-29T11:50:00.001-06:00

One healthy baby with a strong heartbeat!!! We are absolutely thrilled!!! The baby is measuring 6weeks6days and I'm 7 weeks today so that is perfect and the heartrate is 126 which is also great! It was the most amazing sight seeing that little heart beating away. I have a picture of our baby and I'll post it when I get home tonight - it's the most beautiful little baby I've ever seen :)! Now we have to wonder which one took, A or B? We have also officially been released from Dr. Douglas, so I have to become a normal pregnant woman which feels very strange - I'm not normal!! Not to the mention the fact that I've become very attached to that office over the last year and a half. Unfortunately, they aren't in the business of taking care of pregnant women. I will call my OB this afternoon to set up my first prenatal appt with them, which seems so crazy! Is this really happening to us?

It's a bittersweet moment considering what is happening with Dexter. There is a chance that we may have to do it today. Brad is going to call them today and see when he can bring him in and it may need to be today because he may have to travel a couple days this week - I just can't handle it myself. I also wanted to thank everyone for sending me such sweet messages about him.

We aren't quite ready to start spreading the news, but I'll let you know in a few weeks. I think I want to have one more sonogram under our belts. Thanks everyone for all the prayers and well wishes that you have sent our way!! We can't tell you enough how much we appreciate them!!

Today is the day

2007-05-29T07:53:00.000-06:00

Today is the big ultrasound day and I'll be quite honest with you - I'm freaking out. I need this to go perfectly! I had a dream last night that we saw 2 beautiful heartbeats, and it was just amazing and wonderful - I hope that dream was a premonition of what's to come! Of course, I really believe that there is just one baby in there based on my lower than average betas, not that I am disappointed at all with one baby! Multiples almost always have sky high numbers. Anyway, back to the dream, I never had those kind of dreams in my previous pregnancy so hopefully it is a good sign :). I still feel fine - no nauseau or anything, just really tired and hungry all the time. I'll update as soon as I can!

In other news, I'm incredibly sad to say that we think it is time to put my sweet Dexter to sleep. He was diagnosed with chronic renal (kidney) failure about 3 years ago and at that time, we were told that he would probably only live 6 months to a year, but he definitely beat the odds, until recently. He has gone downhill very rapidly and even with the treatments that we are giving him, he has become almost skin and bones and is so weak that he can no longer jump - even a foot or so jump is difficult for him and he has fallen many times trying to jump on things and I think he's hurt himself because he is limping now. He is in very bad shape and I know he is suffering and it would be selfish to keep him like this. We were out of town this weekend, and even after a couple days away, I could see that he had gotten even worse. We are leaving for a vacation to Puerto Rico and St. Thomas for a week on Friday and I was planning to board him, but I don't think I can bear to force him to spend what could be his last days in a cage at the vet. This morning, Brad and I talked about it and I just burst into tears because I haven't wanted to face it, but I know that I have to. This is my sweet baby who I've had for 11 years and I will miss him desperately, though I already miss him - he's just not the same Dexter anymore. I'm not sure when I will do this, but it would be too much today - it will have to be this week though.

What a depressing post! I hope and pray that I have good news to share this afternoon!

6 weeks down...

2007-05-22T09:39:00.000-06:00

Only 34 more to go! This is positive thinking, see??!! I'm officially 6 weeks pregnant today and here is what is to come as I enter the 7th week of pregnancy...

Your baby is 0.16 to 0.2 inches long (4-5mm) when measured from crown to rump. It is now identifiable as a human baby.

The limb buds are growing rapidly, developing into little fins with nodules at the ends which will eventually become fingers and toes. The arms have already differentiated into hand and shoulder segments.

The cerebral hemispheres of the brain are growing, and the eyes and nostrils are appearing. Your baby's heart bulges from its body and the heart chambers are divided and formed. Blood vessels now circulate blood throughout the whole body. The head looks large and is bent on the chest.

Your baby's face is forming, but its eyes are on the sides of its head and are still sealed. The discs that will become your baby's eyes will move over to the front of the face over the course of the next few months.

Bone cells are beginning to develop and the outline of the baby's nervous system is complete. The pigment in your baby's eyes can be seen under the skin overlaying them. By this point there is also a pancreas and an appendix. The tail is still visible, but it will soon fade. The umbilical cord is growing and the placenta is maturing as well.

So amazing!!

So, I officially decided to delay my u/s to Tuesday the 29th. It's just better that way, and even though I'm somewhere between being super excited and dreading that day, I feel a sense of relief. I think part of me would want to put this off forever if I could! It's that self protection thing. Wish us luck!! Only one week to go - ahhh!!!

The agonizing wait...

2007-05-19T08:34:00.000-06:00

Ok, this wait (the wait for the first sonogram) is just as bad, probably worse actually than the wait to find out if I was pregnant! I'm going nuts! I'm also scared out of my mind. I wish that I could just be innocent and Pollyanna about it and just assume that everything is going to be just perfect, but sadly, that innocence has been stolen from me :(. The floodgates are officially open and the memories of what happened to me last time are rushing back - ack!! I'm trying so hard to only have positive thoughts but man that is hard!! It would help if I actually felt pregnant. Really the only symptoms that I have are extreme exhaustion (I remember that from last time), and peeing every 5 seconds (I normally pee every 10 seconds).

So, after complaining about the long wait, I'll say that I'm actually seriously considering extending it - Ironic, huh? Here's the deal. My sono is currently scheduled for this coming Friday, the 25th, when I'll be 6weeks3days. I realize that most people do see the fetal heartbeat by that day, but I also know that there are several out there who don't. I'm pretty sure that even though everyone has warned me that it may be too early, and not to worry if we don't see the HB, that I would completely freak out and be outrageously stressed out about it waiting for another sono. So, which is worse, running the risk of a total freak out or just trying to grow some patience and wait it out for 3-4 extra days, when I'll be 7 weeks and the chance of seeing a HB is practically a given? I just wish I had a crystal ball!! Oh well, I have all weekend to stew in it.

3rd beta is in!

2007-05-14T17:11:00.000-06:00

It was 404 today. It still isn't doubling every 48 hours which is the ideal scenario, but it is increasing at the same steady rate of every 59 hours or 75% increase every 48 hours. My RE says that it is fine. I'm not jumping for joy because it wasn't quite the spectacular rise that I was hoping for to make me feel completely relaxed and comfortable, but I'm not completely stressed out either. When I talked to the nurse, I didn't have access to a calculator to calculate my doubling time, so I was quizzing her about how good it REALLY was. Anyway, she assured me that it was a nice steady rate and that it looks good, so no more bloodwork is needed and she scheduled my first sonogram for Tues, May 29. About 2 minutes after hanging up, she called me back and said that she could sense that I was feeling pretty nervous so they moved my sono up to Fri the 25th! Yay! This is my favorite nurse by the way :). I'll be 6weeks3days on the 25th and she warned me that it may be too early to see the heartbeat but I know from years of message board experience that most women are able to see the heartbeat by then. So, now we have a long wait ahead of us! This one will be the longest of all, I'm sure! Wish us luck!

It's like deja vu all over again...

2007-05-10T17:14:00.000-06:00

Yes, I realize that it a redundant statement. I'm sorry for not updating earlier. I got my beta result late today, at 2:30 and then I had to obsessively surf the internet to research. So, my beta from this morning was 131. In an absolutely ideal scenario, the number would have doubled exactly, but alas, I'm not ideal in this area, never have been! This works out to a doubling rate of 61 hours. An acceptable doubling rate is 48-72 hours so I'm well in the range, but it just didn't knock anyone's socks off. Because it wasn't a spectacular increase, I have to go back Monday morning for another test. I hope and pray that it takes off! The nurse assured me that this wasn't bad, but they're just not ready to stop testing me yet. She did say that Dr. D is taking me off the shots (yay!) and putting me on vaginal progesterone suppositories (boo!) and she assured me that he would not have done that if he was concerned so that makes me feel better.

The reason that I made the deja vu comment is that in my previous pregnancy, my numbers were slow to rise so the beta limbo is very familiar to me. Last time, it was 35 and then only rose to 56 which was a much worse doubling rate of 75 hours. I have no idea why my OB didn't test me again that time, but I do know that my beta levels eventually reached at least 84,000 (the day of the first ultrasound) so obviously they took off at some point. Maybe I'm just a slow starter. I just hope this pregnancy has a much more positive result!! We're already off to a much better start, so I'm feeling good and not freaking out. We're cautiously ecstatic!

Beta is in!

2007-05-08T14:08:00.000-06:00

Well, my beta was 76. I'm a little worried that it is low, but the nurse said that it was good number. For my previous pregnancy, it was only 35 on this day (14 days past ovulation/4 weeks), so this is a huge improvement! I think I'm just a late implanter/slow riser. There is a website called betabase, where women can post their beta levels at various days past ovulation that resulted in successful pregnancies and the median for this day for a singleton pregnancy is about 110, so someone has to be below the median, I guess. I'm praying for a nice and high doubling number on Thursday!

Somebody pinch me!!!

2007-05-08T11:33:00.000-06:00

I can't believe that I'm typing these words, but I am pregnant!!! Here's one of the three tests that I took last night :). I was so sad yesterday, absolutely convinced that it had not worked and today, you can't wipe the smile off my face!!! I had decided to go ahead and test before my beta, but I decided to do it at night because I just knew that it would be bad news and I could get all the crying out then rather than in the morning before work. So, Brad wanted me to wait until he got home to do it and he got home around 6:30 and as soon as he walked in, I burst into tears. I was shaking like a leaf. So, I peed in my trusty cup, and Brad did the dipping duties with the first one (the one in the pic), and then he covered up the results window with his thumb and we went to sit on the couch to wait. At this point, I started crying again - the stress was about to kill me! After a couple minutes, he moved his thumb and there was the most beautiful sight in the world - 2 pink lines!!! So, because we can't trust just one test, we had to do the EPT and then we did a digital test and all were beautiful dark positives!!! Then came the water works again! We called our families last night and everyone was so excited.

I went in for my beta this morning and the nurse asked if I'd cheated and tested earlier and I said yes, and that it was positive, woohoo! She congratulated me, then stuck me, ha ha. They already have my results and I'm so bummed because I missed her call. She called earlier than she told me she would and I was at lunch and didn't hear my phone ring. She said in the voicemail that it was of course positive and that everything looked great but I didn't get my number which is a must for me so that I can start obsessing! Now they're closed for lunch so I have to wait until after 1:30. I'll update with the number as soon as I get it. I have to go back on Thurs morning for a repeat beta to make sure that the numbers are rising appropriately - they should double about every 48-72 hours. If that looks good then we'll probably stop bloodwork and I'll be scheduled for our first ultrasound at about 6 1/2 weeks. By the way, I'm exactly 4 weeks today!

I feel incredibly blessed that this worked for us on the first try. Thank you again for your support and prayers!! I hope and pray that this is our sticky baby (or babies)!! I have a really good feeling about it. I just feel that this is our time :).

Oh and I have one request. We are not ready to share this news with the world yet and ask that you not spread it around. I've sent this out to very specific people who we would probably tell early anyway. As much as I'd love to shout it from the rooftops, I'm not comfortable with that, especially at this super early date. Thanks!

Nauseous

2007-05-07T12:06:00.000-06:00

That is the best way to describe how I feel at this moment. By tomorrow, I may be full fledged throwing up! Oh and before you start getting excited, I can assure you that this is 100% nerves and panic and not pregnancy related. So, my beta (blood pregnancy test) is scheduled for tomorrow morning at Dr. D's office. I will get the results sometime tomorrow afternoon/evening and I have no idea how I am going to survive that wait. I may or may not take a home test before the beta, but I won't update here until I get the "official" blood test result.

So, how am I feeling? I was feeling pretty positive, but suddenly, I'm not. This really began Fri/Sat when it seemed that I lost some symptoms, namely my boobs aren't nearly as sore as they were. I'm sure I look like a freak, constantly feeling myself up. Sometimes I forget that I'm in public, oops! Psycho IVF woman alert!! For what it's worth, in my previous pregnancy, they hurt so badly at the beginning that just hitting tiny potholes in the road while driving was painful, now that did eventually lessen up, probably at about 5-6 weeks which I've "heard" is caused by our bodies getting used the progesterone (this is what causes the pain). I did have some cramping yesterday which may or may not be a good sign. I've been obsessing over message board posts listing people's so called pregnancy symptoms and one thing I have learned is that everyone and every pregnancy is completely different.

I have already started thinking about the next cycle which is terrible I know. Brad refuses to talk about it. I've tried to bring it up several times and he immediately cuts me off. He has the luxury of being able to forget about it. I'm the one enduring the daily injections, analyzing every little twinge, cramp, or whatever in my body, so I number one, simply cannot keep my mind off it and number two, because I'm a planner type, I am always looking ahead to the next step, which would obviously be another round of IVF, though that would likely not take place until late July or August. You typically can't do back to back IVF cycles. Ok, I'm depressing myself, so I'll stop babbling about what's next.

I do know one thing. I am so ready to move on with my life. Trying to conceive has consumed my life for the past nearly 3 years and I feel as if we're "stuck", just running on a wheel like hamsters. Nothing ever changes except that the treatments and stress become more intense. When I say that it has consumed me, that is not a exhaggeration. I think about it constantly and if it's not at the front of my mind, it is in the back, and with triggers EVERYWHERE it's quickly brought back to the front. It's almost impossible to imagine that someday, maybe it won't be that way anymore. What a relief that would be.

Seriously??

2007-05-03T07:51:00.000-06:00

You seriously expect me to survive the next week of waiting??? How is that even possible??!!! I was feeling so calm and collected until yesterday and all of a sudden I feel like I'm losing my mind. I knew this would be stressful, but I didn't really know until now. I'm hovering in the delicate state of somewhere between bursting into tears, ripping someone's head off (i.e. the cable company for being such a pain in the a$$ to deal with), or ramming my car into the guy who cut me off this morning. Thank goodness for acu tomorrow. I hope it helps me because I desperately need it!

Oh, and we got the news that we had no embryos to freeze. I was expecting to hear that. I just hope and pray that A&B are thriving in there!

Introducing A&B!

2007-05-01T08:27:00.000-06:00

Yes, it's not the most creative name we could have come up with, but it's what we've started calling them. I guess we could start calling them Lucy and Ethel, or Laverne and Shirley or Bert and Ernie or something, but A&B just sounds right. Aren't they beautiful? I just love them! I have the picture hung on the refrigerator so I can look at them everytime I walk by. The one on the right is our "perfect" one - you can see how clean it is. The one on the left is our "good" one and this one has a small amount of fragmentation which is that debris looking stuff that you can sort of see. Fragmentation is not necessarily a bad thing but it just makes this one less than perfect. They are each perfectly 8 cells which is exactly where they should be on day 3 after fertilization.

I am anxiously waiting on a status update on the fate of our remaining embies. We had a couple that were actually still growing as of yesterday, though slowly. They are supposed to call me this morning to let me know if we can freeze any. I'm not really holding my breath, but it sure would be nice!

So far the progesterone shots are going very well and are MUCH easier than I expected them to be! My mom gave me the shots the whole time that she was here, but she's heading home this morning so we're on our own now! Brad is out of town on Wed and Thurs night so I'm going to be doing it to myself the. I'm not nearly as intimidated about jabbing myself with a 3 inch needle as I was before because I've found that when I ice the area really well, I seriously feel nothing - pretty exciting! I haven't really been sore at all either which is a plus. I just wish the waiting part was as easy as these shots!!

Pregnant until proven otherwise!

2007-04-28T07:46:00.000-06:00

I am pleased to announce that I now have 2 beautiful embryos cooking away in my uterus! We sadly did not make it to a 5 day transfer. I received the call yesterday morning that 6 of our 8 embies were considered poor quality for various reasons, but I did have one absolutely perfect 8 celled embryo that was considered excellent quality and one 8 celled good quality embie to transfer. Basically what this all means is that I have an egg quality problem which wouldn't have been discovered if we hadn't done IVF. I'm just hoping and praying that I have some good eggs and these two are great ones! They gave us pictures of our little embies and it was so cool! I hope that I'll be able to show our future children their very first portraits! I'll scan them in and post them as soon as we get our scanner hooked back up. The staff at the clinic yesterday all were very optimistic and said that pregnancies happen all the time in these situations, so we're very hopeful. The embryologist explained that because we already knew which ones were the best, there was no reason to wait until day 5 to narrow it down and that I'm a much better incubator than the lab.

As soon as I got the call yesterday morning at 8:30, I raced off to acupuncture and she gave me an extra long treatment which really helped to relax me for the transfer. Even the nurse commented that my blood pressure was low so I must not be too nervous! Oh, the nurse was pregnant, and I of course was thinking oh great, I get stuck with the pregnant nurse at a fertility clinic, but it turns out that she had to do IVF and is now expecting twin boys! That made it me feel much better. When she was telling me about what will happen with the progesterone shots and stuff, I knew that she really knew what she was talking about. The transfer itself was a peice of cake. I had to get in the surgical gown again and had to wear my hair net, and Brad had to put on a bunny suit thing that the Dr wore with the hair net and shoe covers and they wheeled me in to the procedure room. The room is attached to the lab, so my Dr inserted the catheder first and then when it was in and ready, he called out the embryologist that he was ready so they rushed the embryos that were in a little syringe in to the room and Dr. D inserted them into my uterus. The embryologist then had to the take the syringe to the microscope to make sure that both embies came out. The whole thing took about 5-10 min! My mom who was waiting in our room couldn't believe that we were already back! I then had to lay flat with my feet elevated for an hour to allow the liquid medium that the embies were in to absorb into my body so they could stick to my lining. Apparently my lining is very sticky and they will hopefully stay just where Dr. D put them. They will not begin to actually implant for at least 3 more days. Now I'm on bed rest for 24 hours - I'm almost done, thank goodness!

Thank you to everyone who reads this blog and for all the thoughts and prayers that you have sent our way! We appreciate it more than you know!

Lightning, gas and other stuff

2007-04-26T08:24:00.000-06:00

We had some really bad storms here on Tuesday night and guess what? Our house was struck by lightning! It was about 10 PM and we were getting ready to go to bed when we heard this LOUD boom and suddenly all our stuff started going crazy, our alarm started going off, our stereo receiver died (fortunately the TV did not) and our phones died. We're pretty sure that the speakers in our ceiling are dead too. That's bad enough, right? Well, yesterday I get home from work and walk in and smelled overwhelming gas fumes. I of course freaked out and opened all the windows and figured out that it was coming from our attic. So, we called the gas company and the guy confirmed that we had a major leak in our attic so he turned off the gas and said, call a plumber. He said that it's fairly common for lightning strikes to blow holes in gas pipes if you have a certain type of pipe which we apparently have. We were so lucky that nothing happened and that Dexter was OK, how scary! So, now we have no hot water until this gets fixed. Brad is trying to get a plumber to come out today and hopefully it will be a one day job. If not, we'll be staying at a hotel tonight! This is the last thing I want to deal with right now. Oh well. Fortunately, our home owners will cover it, but our deductible is high enough. Blah.

In IVF news, as I mentioned yesterday, we will not receive an update on our little embies today :(. They're all by their lonesome in their little petri dish in the lab. Soon they'll have a nice comfy home for the next 9 months in their mama! I "get to" start my PIO (progesterone in oil) shots tonight! I will actually be shooting sesame oil into me (with progesterone of course), wierd, huh? These are nightly shots in the butt with a gigantic 3 inch needle because it has to reach the muscle. I have two circles drawn in permanent marker on my butt for targets - it's very attractive! Brad was refreshing my circles last night because they had started to fade from when the nurse drew them on this weekend and he drew a smiley face on my hiney - silly boy! The circles are so we get it in the right place because if you don't get it in the right spot, you may hit the sciatic nerve or hit a big vessel, which wouldn't be cool. I'm skeered!! My mom is coming into town tonight for the big transfer so she can give me my first shot. She doesn't mind doing that stuff at all, and I know Brad doesn't particularly enjoy giving me shots. I'm going to try to learn to do it myself by twisting my body around. Lots of women manage just fine on their own, so after a few practice runs this week, hopefully I'll work up the courage to do it myself!

It's Octuplets!

2007-04-25T09:45:00.000-06:00

We have successfully conceived octuplets! 8 of our eggs fertilized normally and the other 4 all either fertilized abnormally or were empty cells. I'm pretty happy with the report and I hope we have 2 good ones left to transfer! I don't know yet if we will have a 3 or 5 day transfer. Apparently the lab has a policy that says if you have less than 10 normally fertilized eggs they will tentatively schedule a 3 day transfer, but I didn't understand that this was a tentative thing when the embryologist told me that we had a time for the transfer on Friday at noon. I had a minor freak out wondering if this meant that there was something wrong with our embryos and she has such a thick accent that there was a slight communication problem there. So, I called Dr. D's office and they called the embryologist and confirmed that it was just tentative so I wouldn't be caught off guard if it is a last minute decision on Friday to proceed with the transfer. Whew! There is still a pretty decent chance that the transfer will be Sunday. The decision will be made on Friday morning and will be based on how many embies look good at that point. If we have only 2-3, then they will go ahead and do the transfer because I'm a better incubater than the petri dish, but if we have more, then we will probably go out to a 5 day to help ensure that we put the best quality embies back as possible.

I'm sending tons of prayers and positive vibes to our little embies cooking in the lab!

Just an update - I just spoke with another embryologist who apologized for the confusion earlier. I guess the girl that called me this morning is still training which explains a whole lot! I had the feeling that she was as confused as I was. Now, I have a much better understanding of what is going to happen. They will not check the embies tomorrow because they feel that the less they have to take them out of the incubators, the better, so I will not receive a call tomorrow - ACK!! We'll just keep sending those positive vibes their way! They will check them relatively early Friday morning and I'll get a call before 9 AM with the news on transfer day. How am I going to make it through these next couple days?!

A Dozen Eggs!

2007-04-24T13:29:00.000-06:00

We had a dozen eggs retrieved this morning! We're very happy and so were the Dr's and nurses. I got home and crashed and just woke up. I'm feeling ok except for feeling really bloated and pretty crampy. I'm trying to drink plenty of fluids! I'm a little groggy still so I'll cut it short for now and update tomorrow when we find out how many fertilized!!

Trigger shot? Check!!

2007-04-23T07:36:00.000-06:00

I triggered last night! Woohoo!! That means that my egg retrieval is 36 hours later, and that translates to 8 AM tomorrow (Tues) morning!! My appointment went well yesterday morning and now I have 10 definitely mature follicles with maybe a couple more borderline ones. I'm so excited!! I hope my little eggies are good quality ones!

Sorry, I didn't update sooner, but we decided to put in laminate wood floors in our office/Dexter's (the kitty) room this weekend so we had the computer unhooked most of the weekend. What a job! I wasn't expecting it to be quite this difficult but we had a good time anyway. It's been a while since we've done a big home improvement project like this. My whole body hurts but it was perfect for keeping my mind on things other than IVF and I slept better last night than I've slept in a long time! The floors look great by the way!

Follie Check #3

2007-04-21T08:41:00.000-06:00

Steve (the sonographer), the probe and I are becoming very close! Well as of this morning, I had 9 follies that are definitely ready to go, but the doctor has decided that he wants to let it go one more day to see if we can get these 2 smaller guys that are hanging out at 12.5 mm to catch up. He's cut my dose in half for tonight. I hope it works! This means that I'll definately trigger tomorrow night with egg retrieval on Tuesday, which will put the embryo transfer at either Sunday or maybe Friday if we have to do a 3 day transfer for some reason - 5 day is what we're shooting for. I'm getting so excited and so nervous at the same time!!

Follie check #2

2007-04-19T08:50:00.000-06:00

Well, my check went fine, not quite what I was hoping for, but I think it was ok. I have 11 follicles ranging from 11-16 (10 of those are 11-14), so they're all growing at about the same rate which is very good. I also have a handful of follies that are at 10 and under that probably won't make it, but my doc may still retrieve them because they do typically retrieve all the eggs even if they know that they probably won't be mature. I was hoping to have 15 good eggs, but I don't want to sound greedy because I know there are plenty of women who have far less follicles than I have and go on to have successful pregnancies. Anyway, I'm trying really hard not to get stressed!! Not such an easy feat! I had bloodwork again today and I'll find out my dosage for tonight and tomorrow night this afternoon, and I go back on Saturday for another check. The nurse did think that I might be ready to trigger on Sat which would be great! We'll see!

Wednesday's update

2007-04-18T10:23:00.000-06:00

I don't have much to report today, so this will be brief. The nurse called last night and said that my E2 levels looked great and Dr. D wanted to keep me on the same dose. She had to leave a message so I didn't get to ask her the number, not that it would mean all that much to me at this stage of the game, but I'm a gather as much info as possible kinda gal. Anyway, we're set for my second follie check tomorrow morning at 8:30! I'll update again as soon as I get back.

In an effort to try to stay as relaxed as possible, I'm really pulling out all the stops. I have weekly acu treatments that I've talked about several times. I also had a massage on Saturday which was something that my sweet hubby insisted on because he's so worried about me being overly stressed out. It was wonderful by the way! I also ordered a meditation CD specifically for IVF. It has different meditations for each phase of your cycle with the first track being the stim phase. I've tried to do it for two nights now and I keep falling asleep! It is very relaxing but I can never make it past the breathing part to get to the more important visualization part. My goal is to stay awake tonight!

Stay tuned for tomorrow's update!

Ok, so I guess I don't I need to worry about hyper-stimming

2007-04-17T09:15:00.000-06:00

I had my first follie check this morning and I guess things are looking good? I don't know for sure though and I'm just a bundle of nerves about it!! I had 13 measurable follies, with 5 on the left measuring 8-11 and 8 on the right measuring 7-13. I just don't know what to think about those little ones...will they catch up? I don't know, ahhhhh!!! A mature follicle size is generally about 16mm and up, oh by the way those measurements I mentioned above are mm also, so we'll probably stim until as many of those little ones get to a mature or almost mature size, without overmaturing the bigger ones. It's a fine balance. So, they are testing my blood estradiol (E2) level as we speak and then they'll call me this afternoon to let me know if we need to adjust my dose at all. I guess that higher dose of Lupron that they kept me on is really doing it's job, perhaps too well? Anyway, as the title of this entry says, OHSS is really not a concern anymore because that usually only happens when women have like 25+ follies. I just need to keep reminding myself that it's quality over quantity...

Oh yeah, feel free to post comments directly to my blog if you want! I've gotten e-mails from people on it which is also fine. No obligation, just letting ya know it can be done :).

So far so good...

2007-04-16T08:13:00.000-06:00

Well, my stims seem to be going fine so far. Of course I have no idea how my body is reacting to them but I can feel some action down there so hopefully well! It is quite a long procedure preparing for these shots. I have to mix powders and water and have all these little vials, three different syringes, different sized needles, etc. It's like my own little lab! My belly is already looking a bit like a pincushion and I officially have my first bruise but it's a small price to pay for our own little miracle! My appointment is at 8:30 tomorrow (Tues) morning and I'll post as soon I get back!

Have I mentioned how much I love acupuncture??

2007-04-13T17:15:00.000-06:00

Yes? Well, let me mention it again! I went today at lunch and as usual feel so relaxed and zen. It's truly amazing the change that this has made to my mental state. The stability of my emotions has made a complete 180. Before I started going the first time around, I was an emotional wreck, crying all the time, and just a complete ball of stress, but eventually started feeling much better. Then, I took a break from acu for about 4-6 months and I definitely saw myself reverting back to my "old" self. I've now been back on the wagon a little over 2 months now and it takes some time to really start feeling the effects, but I can say that for the past month, I've definitely been reaping the benefits. I can't imagine how much more stressed out I would be during this IVF process than I already am without it!

The benefits of acu and the herbs; however, are not all stress related. It can help to improve egg quality, regulate hormones and can help improve circulation which is very important in pregnancy. You want to have plenty of bloodflow to the uterus. So, according to Dr. L, my wonderful acu, I have a Yin (or Yang, I can't remember!) and Qi (pronounced Chi) deficiency, which basically amounts to poor circulation. She looks at my tongue every week and apparently guages how things are working based on the color. Mine is usually too pale but always improves with a few treatments. Studies have shown that having acu right before embryo transfer can also improve your chances if a successful cycle. It can really relax the uterus and apparently make it more "receptive" to an embie. My RE isn't really a believer in it, but that's ok because I have really seen benefits in my everyday life regardless of whether it really and truly helps with fertility. I asked him what he thought about it way back when I first started with him and said that I'd heard that it was very relaxing and his comment was, well, I guess it can't hurt, but it's hard to believe that having needles stuck all over your body would be relaxing but whatever floats your boat. I'm so glad that I went with my gut!

I also love my acu doctor, Dr. L. She is an MD in China and is a women's health/fertility specialist. She knows as much about Western infertility treatments as she does Eastern, so I can always bounce things off of her, like dosages and such. Today, she confirmed for me that she thought my dosages were good, which made me feel better. We also talked about the bloat and fluid retention that comes with a lot of follicles and OHSS, and she said that her patients very rarely have trouble or discomfort from it, even when their ovaries are huge, so whatever magic she does, must work! I hope I'm one of those lucky ones!

Anyway, because I was feeling so good from my treatment today, I decided it was time to dedicate a whole entry to the greatness that is acupuncture!

We're ready to go!!

2007-04-12T17:09:00.000-06:00

I had my suppression check today and everything looks GREAT!!! That means that I get to start my stims tomorrow night!! WooHoo!! I can't even explain how exciting it is to finally be getting started!!

So, what we were looking for today were calm and quiet ovaries, a thin uterine lining and a sufficiently low estrogen blood level, and I met all those qualifications, thank goodness! When your ovaries are dormant like that, you have what are called antral follicles which are basically tiny little follicles that are all waiting to grow. In an unmedicated cycle, only one of those will actually grow large enough to ovulate but on a medicated and especially an IVF cycle, you want to try to encourage all of those antral follies to grow large enough to contain a mature egg. Well, we could see about 15 antral follies which is fantastic!! There are usually some that are hiding so I could certainly wind up with more than 15 eggs.

I also got my dosages today - I'm to continue with the same dosage of Lupron each night and take 200iu of Follistim and one vial (75iu) of Menopur, so that means 3 shots per night, awesome! It seems kind of high (for my IUI cycles I was on 100iu of Follistim) and that does make me a bit nervous but I have to remember that I'm much more suppressed than I ever was on the IUI cycles and I'm still taking a lot of Lupron which will help to keep things in check. I go for my first checkup on Tuesday morning - wish me luck!!

Still waiting...

2007-04-10T08:44:00.000-06:00

I couldn't think of a creative title for this blog entry because it's just going to be a general update on what's been going on with me which isn't a whole lot in the IVF world. I'm still shooting up with Lupron and I go for my suppression check on Thursday morning - FINALLY!! I should be really suppressed after being on Lupron for 18 days so I'm not really worried about my body doing something stupid and delaying my cycle even more. I should be finding out my dosages on Thursday too! I'm very anxious to get that info because I'm of course worried about hyper stimming based on my history with my IUI cycles. Every cycle, I heard, "Wow, you make a LOT of follicles!" - not such a great thing with IUI, but it is a good thing with IVF, you just don't want to make so many that you develop OHSS (ovarian hyper-stimulation syndrome) and wind up in the hospital having fluid drained from your abdomen. This is the stuff that keeps me awake at night! I think that this extra time on Lupron should help in that area. Anyway, at our consult which seems like a hundred years ago, Dr. D told me that I would be on a moderate to low dose, whatever that means.

Yesterday, I had an appointment for my annual exam with a new OB/Gyn. My old Dr was very nice and all, but there were quite a few cons with her practice, like she was on her own, so it would be possible that some stranger would deliver my baby, I never waited less than an hour in her waiting room for appts, the hospital where I would deliver, though a good one, is about 20 min away from our house, and I wasn't a huge fan of her nurses, so I decided to make a change. My new Dr's practice is 3 women who all graduated from med school the year after my brother in law which means that they are all only about 2 years older than me - I'm feeling so old!! My new doc, Dr. K, is super nice and friendly and she seems much more personable than Dr. S ever was. They are located in the newish hospital that is literally 2 miles from my house! Oh and they have a level III NICU which though I hope it won't, could come in handy. I think it was a good move.

I did have a rude awakening at my appt - on the scale. Ugh, not a pretty sight. I would like to blame the weight gain on my meds, which yeah, they might be partially at fault, but really I know the reason is my emotional eating. I've put on the weight gradually over these 2 1/2 years of TTC, with the bulk of the gain happening post miscarriage. I bought a few pairs of "fat pants" when I was pregnant as transition pants for that period before you need maternity clothes, and now even those pants are feeling snug. When I'm feeling sorry for myself or are just stressed out (happens quite a bit lately), I will rationalize it by saying that I deserve it. I do pretty well with my meals, but it's the snacking that is killing me - darn you deli downstairs!! I have developed a very bad habit lately of treating myself several afternoons a week with some fattening snack, like chocolate, or those frighteningly orange cracker and peanut butter sandwiches (I love those things!). Because I WILL get pregnant this cycle (how's that for positive thinking?), I guess it's too late to do anything about it now!

Since when are Dr's allowed to take time off???!!!

2007-04-02T14:07:00.000-06:00

Just kidding!! (Sort of) Anyway, I got a very distressing call from the nurse at my RE's office today. Apparently, Dr. D informed them this morning that he is going to be out of town April 17-20, which means that my cycle gets pushed back a week :(. I'm not too pleased about this development, but I'm finally starting to calm down. I was supposed to go this Thursday for my suppression check and start stims on Sunday evening, but now I don't go until next Thursday, the 12th and will hopefully start stims on the 13th - trying not to think about the fact that it will be Friday the 13th - I'm not a superstitious person, but still. I liked an Easter Sunday start much better, you know, rebirth/fresh start. We're now looking at an estimated egg retrieval somewhere around the week of April 22. This also means that I have to take my Lupron shots for an extra week which isn't terrible, but remember what I said about having no side effects? Scratch that, the night sweats started this weekend, fun fun! So, Dr D. better have a darn good reason for scheduling this time off at the last minute and that doesn't include a relaxing trip to a tropical location or Vegas or you fill in the blank ;-)! I'll be on tan patrol next time I see him. Seriously though, I'm sure that it's a scheduling nightmare because I can only imagine the number of cycles/surgeries that have been impacted by this. Thank goodness I'm having a pedicure today after work! I need it!

On a more positive note - my wonderful hubby arrived home safely on Friday afternoon! He was of course exhausted but he got back in the swing of things pretty quickly. We had a very busy weekend of hard labor in the yard and I'm paying for it today, let me tell ya! It's worth it though because everything sure looks pretty!

Chugging along on that Lupron train...

2007-03-28T12:30:00.000-06:00

It's been a while since I've posted an update! I guess I've run out of interesting things to say for the time being. Anyway, I started my Lupron injections on Monday night so I'm officially on day 3 of those and so far so good! I haven't experienced any of those nasty side effects that I've heard so much about...yet. Hmmm, must go find some wood to knock on. In other news, I only have 4 more days of BCP! Yippee! Things are finally starting to happen!

So, this has been a pretty boring week around the R household. Brad is currently on a whirlwind tour of Europe for work. When it's all said and done, he will have officially visited 4 countries in 4 days - whew! Dexter and I are very much looking foward to his return on Friday! Well, I am, not so sure about Dex, he really enjoys his mommy and me time :-).

That's about all that is new with me! Pretty boring post, huh?

Sunday's Sermon

2007-03-21T13:43:00.000-06:00

A friend of mine sent me this e-mail today and I thought it was too funny not to share - Thanks Stacy!

Sunday's sermon was, "Forgive Your Enemies"

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight." she replied.

"Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the
world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

"I outlived the bitches."

Is this a sign that I should have become a pharmacist?

2007-03-20T16:39:00.000-06:00

My meds arrived today! I had to document this because it was so impressive. You're looking at approximately $3,000 worth of medication here, but fortunately, our insurance covers fertility meds so we only had to pay $150 - woohoo! I am very grateful to have any insurance coverage at all as so many women have absolutely none which is so unfair. If I had gone on my company's insurance plan, I would have zippo coverage. Thank goodness I stayed on Brad's because at the time that I made that decision, I really had no idea what the differences were re infertility coverage. Our insurance covers the meds and will cover all the ultrasound and bloodwork monitoring but will not cover the IVF procedure itself. It's certainly better than nothing!

I had the meds delivered to my office so that someone could sign for them rather than have them sit on my front porch all day unattended. Well, in the past, my meds have come in a non-descript cardboard box, but not this time! Today, they were packaged in a huge white styrofoam cooler. Needless to say, I attracted some attention carrying that thing down the hallway and no less than 4 people stopped me to ask what was in the cooler. I guess it's not everyday that you see someone walking around an office with a cooler in their arms. The first thing that I could think of was to tell them that it was Omaha Steaks, ha ha! We've ordered those before and they do happen to come in a cooler exactly like this. I thought that was pretty funny - those must be some valuable steaks! Anyway, I think that minor little crisis has been averted and I managed to avoid being "outed" at work.

The Magnet of Discontent

2007-03-17T12:03:00.000-06:00

We have a silly little magnet on our refrigerator that looks like this one. You can move that little box that says "Today I Feel" around to the appropriate emotion, like happy, lovestruck, hysterical, etc. Well, ever since we started TTC, the magnet has reflected our emotions surrounding the journey, for example, every time AF comes to visit after a failed cycle, I move it to "sad" for a few days. If we have to sit out a cycle, it gets moved to "frustrated". Here is where the battle starts. When we get going on a new cycle, I always move it to the "hopeful" face, because no matter what I have been through, there is always hope, otherwise I wouldn't continue to try. It usually only stays here for a few days until Brad, the eternal optimist, moves it to "confident". Well, I've never been confident that a cycle will be successful, so I move it back to "hopeful" and back and forth we go all cycle. What's funny is that I don't think we've actually ever had a conversation about this so called battle. I've been thinking about this alot lately and am really going to try to maintain a positive attitude during this IVF cycle, so I ask, is "hopeful" not good enough? Maybe not. I think I'm going to go move it to "confident" right now.

Let's get this party started!

2007-03-12T17:14:00.000-06:00

So, AF decided to pay me a little visit on Saturday which means that I had to go in for my day 3 sono today to see if my cysts had gone away, and I'm very happy to report that they did!!!! I got my official IVF calendar today which is very exciting because things are finally starting to happen!

I start another pack of BCP tonight and will complete the full 21 days. I will be starting my Lupron injections on March 26, before I'm finished with the pill pack. I will go in on April 5 for a sono and bloodwork for my suppression check (basically to make sure that estrogen levels are sufficiently low and I'm still cyst free), and will start stimming (the shots to make the eggs) the evening of April 8 which happens to be Easter Sunday. My egg retrieval (ER) will be sometime during the week of April 15 and my embryo transfer (ET) will be 5 days later!!

It's so exciting and so terrifying at the same time.

The freaking flu

2007-03-09T09:25:00.000-06:00

So, I've been sick with the flu since Tues night - nice. The fever hit both Brad and I at the same time. We were quite a pathetic sight huddled under the covers Tuesday night in our sweats shivering away from the fever. Brad is totally fine now, lucky him!!

The main reason for this posting is that we had our IVF orientation class yesterday! Yippee! Yes, we went flu and all. There must have been 15 couples there. It's amazing how many people suffer from infertility. They basically explained the whole process, complete with photos of various embies, grading charts, etc. They offer an interesting program to only a select few to encourage the transfer of only one embryo at a time. Apparently, very few 5 day blasts are rated "excellent", as most are rated "good" or "average", but if we are overacheivers and lucky enough to have 2 excellent blasts, then they will encourage us to only transfer one with a chance of pregnancy of 75% and they will freeze the second one for free and if pregnancy fails with the first one, they will transfer the second one for free. Hmmm, some food for thought. For some reason, I'm starting to get excited about the idea of twins and kind of envision our future with twins. My clinic's stats are about 47% of all pregnancies are twin - that's a lot! I just don't know how I'd feel about reducing the chance of pregnancy by only putting one back (granted, it wouldn't be much of a reduction - per the embryologist 75% with one "perfect" blast vs. 80% with two "perfect" blasts and extremely high twin rate). I am certainly not intentionally trying to get pregnant with twins, just want to maximize our chances of one healthy baby, but it sure would be nice to get two for the price of one - literally!! I guess I shouldn't worry about this until I'm in that situation and I'm not going to hold my breath that we'll even be candidates.

Reliving the due date

2007-03-06T18:14:00.000-06:00

I've always associated our lost baby with a butterfly for some reason. Soon after the miscarriage I decided that I wanted a piece of jewelry in remembrance of our baby, so we went to James Avery and even though I had planned to get one of their angel pieces, I was drawn to a butterfly necklace. I never really could express why the butterfly made so much sense to me, until I came across this little poem that expresses it so beautifully -

A Butterfly Lights Beside Us

A butterfly lights beside us, like a sunbeam...
and for a brief moment it's glory
and beauty belong to our world...
but then it flies on again, and although
we wish it could have stayed,
we are so thankful to have seen it at all.

Author Unknown

We will never forget...

So, today we should be celebrating our first child's first birthday, but instead we have no baby, no pregnancy and instead are gearing up for the very stressful IVF procedure - excuse me for a minute while I go kick something...

On this day that should be a celebration of the miracle of life that we created, I am mourning our loss, still in limbo, and it sucks more than you can imagine.

Random thoughts...

2007-03-03T08:03:00.000-06:00

I just ate a fortune cookie from our dinner last night (yes, I know it's only 8 AM), and my fortune said, "You will get what your heart desires." Cool! Too bad the cookie didn't tell me when! So, how do I feel about going through IVF...well, I have so many mixed emotions...it's very complicated. Before I get into my feelings, it might be helpful to explain the entire process.

The first step in most IVF's and mine will be the suppression phase. This is done with a combination of BCP and Lupron. Lupron is an injectible med that essentially induces menopause and supposedly comes along with all those fun side effects. In preparation for IVF the dosage is very small, but it is administered daily. When these cysts that we are trying to resolve go away, I will start another round of BCP and 2 weeks into that, I will start Lupron and continue for another 2 weeks. Once AF arrives, which will happen sometime during that fourth week of suppression as a result of stopping the BCP, I will have a suppression check, which will be an u/s and probably bloodwork to make sure that my body is quiet and that my ovaries are prepared to grow a bunch of eggs at hopefully the same rate.

So, assuming that everything is cool, I will then start stimming. This again involves daily injections (these are in my belly and will probably be with the same meds that I used for my IUIs). I will start going for u/s and bloodwork probably at least every other day, and maybe everyday. I will probably also continue injecting Lupron during the stimming phase. This will prevent my body from ovulating on it's own. I'll probably stim for 7-10 days, as in my previous experience, I am a good responsder and tend to grow pretty quick. The difference this time will be that we are trying to get many follicles that are around the same size, ideally 15 or so total but not too many, whereas with IUI, we were trying to encourage only 2-4.

When enough follicles are measuring a mature size, I will trigger which is the shot that makes you ovulate within 36 hours. This will give all the follicles their final "boost" and they will be ready for retrieval in just about 36 hours! The retrieval is out-patient surgery as I will be under general anesthesia. My Dr will go in with an u/s probe and a giant needle and will basically drain each follicle and try to "catch" as many eggs as possible. When the eggs are retrieved, the lab will evaluate them and take all the mature eggs and basically combine then with Brad's sperm in a petri dish and wait. According to my Dr, about 2/3, maybe more will fertilize. When they fertilize and start dividing, they become known as embryos. The embryologists will watch the embies very carefully and will grade them based on all kinds of criteria, like number of cells, shape, etc. During this waiting stage, you begin to take more daily shots, and these are the dreaded progesterone in oil (PIO) shots. They are done in the butt and with what is apparently a pretty large, scary needle. These are often done daily until 10-12 weeks, fun fun. Back to the embies, when they are ready, they will be transfered back into the uterus. The transfer is generally done without anesthesia and is pretty similar to an IUI. I will then be on bed rest for at least 24 hours. My lab generally tries to do 5 day blast transfers which means that 5 days after the retrieval, the little babies are hundreds of cells and are known as blastocysts, but sometimes if the embies just aren't looking so good and the embryologist feels that they would do better in mom than in the petri dish, then a 3 day embryo transfer will be done. At 3 days, embryos are about 8 cells. Our goal is to transfer 2 high quality 5 day blasts because at 5 days, you have weeded out most of those that will not make it and they have the best chances. There are a lot of twin pregnancies in IVF which would be just fine with us!

If there are any blasts left after transfer, then they will be frozen for future use. We're not counting on having any frozen, as my RE said that only 1 out of 3-4 women will have any to freeze, because their philosophy is not to get as many eggs as possible, but rather to get a good number of high quality ones, ideally that magic 15 number. As I mentioned in a previous blog entry, my Dr's pregnancy success rates are 67%.

Ok, so how do I feel about going through this process...

While it feels so good to be moving on to something that has such a high success rate, and I truly believe that this will work for us, hopefully on the first try of course :), I am pretty sad that we have come to this stage. It's definitely scary that we are here staring our "last resort" in the face. When you start treatments, you always say, well there's always IVF! Of course, you never really think that you will actually need to do it. I feel broken and defective, as if my body can't do what it was made to do. I feel like an outcast among friends and family who have moved on to start their families, like I have nothing in common with them anymore, and I'm well aware that my self-imposed distance from preggos and babies is a major culprit here. I hate the bitter/jaded person that I have become and so wish that I could go back to the way I was before all this started, but I'm certain that I'll never completely be that person again - the pain of this experience will be with me always. I very rarely feel pure happiness anymore - there is a constant sadness that I carry in my heart. I am angry that we have already spent $2,000 on wasted treatments and will end up spending at least $6,500 more to get what the "rest of the world" gets for free. I'm really not looking forward to the weeks on end of daily injections of hormones and the wild mood swings that will inevitably come with them. Finally, I am sad that it will literally require a team of Dr's, nurses and scientists to get us pregnant, so much for romance - of course we gave that up a long time ago. Hopefully this will all be worth it in the end!

Empty Arms

2007-02-28T09:21:00.000-06:00

This a beautifully done video that I wanted to share. It makes me cry everytime I see it but I really love it.

http://www.vocalicious.com/empty_arms/empty_arms_mod2.html

The rest of the story

2007-02-27T19:22:00.000-06:00

That lovely instrument in the photo above is the cathedar that is used for IUI (intra-uterine insemination). I'll explain more about IUI later. I had acupuncture today so I'm feeling very zen and relaxed as I write this - of course the glass of wine that I'm sipping can't hurt either!

Ok, so here's what happened after the miscarriage. It took about 50 days for AF to show after my D&C. This takes a long time because all the HCG had to leave my system and mine was fairly high. We weren't able to "try" that cycle. I went for my annual exam at the beginning of my next cycle and my OB said that I was clear to try again. We both agreed that I should try for a couple cycles without medication because the pregnancy might have "reset" my body. Those first two cycles were both kinda long - 35 days so I asked for Clomid again. We did one round which failed and then I took a break just because. Sometime during this cycle (this is January) I realized that I was sick of messing around and wanted to move onto a RE (Reproductive Endocronologist), aka fertility specialist. I picked an RE who is supposed to be one of the best in the nation.

At our first meeting with the RE, he encouraged me to do a cycle of Clomid that would be fully monitored, to see how my follicles are growing, how thick my lining is and we would "trigger" when my follicles are measuring a mature size, which means I get a shot to make me ovulate all the mature follicles. I had several visits with Steve, the sonographer, and the "probe" that cycle (well on our way to becoming oh so close friends), and I had 3 mature follicles - how exciting! Here's a picture of what an ovary looks like with lots of follicles. This one looks like it has about 4 mature follies. We had to do a post-coital test that cycle to see if IUI is necessary, which basically is a test to see if my body and Brad's sperm are compatible or not - well they are, we passed with flying colors and I even got to look at the spermies under the microscope which was really cool! They deterimined that because our PC test was so good that we didn't need IUI. That cycle failed, of course. So, onto another round of Clomid. This time, I decided I wanted to maximize our chances and try IUI. I had 4 mature follies - woo hoo! Basically what this means is I bring the "sample" in a cup that I have to hold in my shirt on the drive there to keep it body temp and deliver it to the nurse for washing first thing in the morning. Washing basically eliminates any dud sperm and we're left with only the best. We go back a couple hours later for IUI which involves sticking that lovely cathedar pictured above through my cervix and inserting the sperm directly into my uterus - all for the bargain price of $400! The sperm sample was GREAT! The nurse was all excited and said that we would "for sure" get pregnant this time. I was a bit worried about the 4 follies thing and multiples, but all convinced me not to worry. Obviously I had nothing to be worried about. We found out that the cycle failed while on our Carribean cruise in April, sigh.

So, at my baseline ultrasound after that failed cycle, I had a cyst on my ovary - dang it!! That means that you can't start medication because the cyst would suck up all the meds and only grow larger. A cyst is normally a follicle that didn't ovulate and for some reason just continues to hang around. While waiting around, I decided to give acupuncture a try. I had read so many great things about it helping with infertility and I figured even if it doesn't make me pregnant, if it helps me relax, then I'm on board! I LOVED acupuncture from the beginning. It is so relaxing and the needles don't hurt at all. She did give me this NASTY herbal tea to drink every day which I really didn't enjoy at the beginning but now kind of enjoy. If I add a crap load of honey to it. I stuck with weekly acu appts for several months but eventually gave it up when the Dr's appts became much more numerous making it difficult to squeeze in acu as well. The next cycle, we had a trip planned to San Francisco and the wine country so we had to sit out from meds again because I couldn't have made my probe appointments. Again neither of these "natural" cycles worked. When AF arrived I decided that I was ready to move on to injectibles. This involves giving myself shots in the belly everyday, almost daily visits with the probe, trigger shot when I'm "ripe" and normally IUI. The success rate is higher than with Clomid. I went for my baseline u/s and ARGH!! I had made a freaking cyst on my own. I was tired of waiting so I asked for the BCP (the pill) to make my cycle go by quicker.

My first inject cycle started out fine. Oh yeah, I asked for another HSG because I was curious if maybe the D&C had caused scar tissue to grow and maybe block my tubes. I had that at the beginning of the cycle and it was a completely different experience than the first one. First, the radiologist couldn't get the cathedar in, and that process took about 15 min which was not very enjoyable. Then the dye hurt so excruciatingly bad that I almost passed out on the table. Everything still looked fine so I was hopeful. The shots weren't too bad at all because the needles are really tiny and I was shocked to find out that our insurance covers injectible meds!! That is huge because they are actual hormones and normally cost several hundred dollars. I went for my first u/s to check my progress and my ovaries were going crazy - I had like 8 potential mature follicles, so I freaked out and they reduced my dose. Well, apparently we reduced the dose too much because everything came to a screeching halt and I wound up with only one measley follicle. We decided that it wasn't worth spending $400 on IUI for that which turned out to be a good decision because my wonderful hubby surprised me with a huge surprise party for my 30th birthday that weekend!!! I was really down about turning 30 and not only not having my baby but also not even being pregnant, so I repeatedly told him that I did not want a big deal made about it, but I must say, I so appreciate all that he went through. Our entire family was there and about 20 of our friends!! Anyway, the IUI would have fallen on that Sunday morning (yes RE offices are open 7 days a week) which would not have been very convenient with the whole fam there. Well, we tried the "old fashioned" way and of course it didn't work.

Next cycle - no cysts so off we go with more shots. This cycle was much better, but again, we were in danger of overstimming so we triggered early so only 2 follicles would ovulate. We did IUI this time, the sample was great but nada. So, my RE recommended that we do a lap (laparascopic surgery) and hysteroscopy to take a look at my insides to see if I have endometriosis or tubal issues, and he also took a look inside my uterus to see if there was anything unusual in there. I scheduled that surgery for Friday, Sept 22, and had to go on the BCP until then. My mom came for the surgery which was very nice! It was comforting to have her here with me. Anyway, he found a tiny bit of endo which he removed, found that my tubes are coiled like a telephone cord which he said wasn't great but wasn't horrible and I had a small polyp in my uterus which he removed. Things were overall not too bad and we were given the green light to start trying again as soon as AF arrived. I did get pictures of my insides which is kinda cool! The surgery wasn't too bad at all. I have 2 tiny incisions, one in my belly button and one very low on my abdomen. It was just outpatient surgery and I didn't even tell my boss about it. I would have gone back to work on that Monday but I wound up getting sick.

AF arrived on Oct 2, and I started the injects. This time I responded too well again and had 8 potential mature follies even when backing down on the dose and so my Dr recommended that we cancel the cycle all together - don't trigger don't do anything :(. Well, I never ovulated on my own and I bled in about a week, and of course had ovaries full of cysts. It's onto yet ANOTHER round of BCP. It's so ironic to take BCP when you are desperately trying to get pregnant...

When I calculated when AF would arrive, I figured out that Thanksgiving and Christmas would interfere with any probe appts so I decided that we should just take a break over the holidays for my sanity. I did try an herbal remedy called Fertility Blend which really did help me ovulate earlier but neither cycle worked. Time to go back to the RE. We began our final inject/IUI cycle on Jan 17. I had 3 mature follicles - yay!! IUI appeared to be great and we had so much hope for the cycle!! We knew that we were going to move onto IVF if this didn't work based on the recommendation of both my Dr and his partner, so there was a lot of pressure.

Well, it didn't work :(. So, it's onto IVF. I went in for my baseline u/s and found that I had 3 huge cysts (yet again) so I am currently in the midst of a round of BCP. I also started back up with acupuncture to help with stress relief and to maximize our chances of success. When AF arrives, I will go back to see if the cysts are gone and if they are, then I start ANOTHER round of BCP for suppression of my ovaries, I will be giving myself Lupron shots for 2 weeks to further suppress my ovaries, and then I will start stimming which involves more shots. We are hoping that my egg retrieval will be mid to late April. My RE has a 67% pregancy rate per embryo transfer for women under 35. That's pretty high when compared to the national average but that is not take home baby rate as there is just as much, if not more, chance of m/c with IVF as with a "natural" pregancy. That's all for now - I will explain the actual IVF process on another day...

Being a Good Friend to Someone Struggling with Infertility

2007-02-26T08:27:00.000-06:00

I found this article on the Resolve (infertility association) website and realized that I almost could have written this myself. I'm very fortunate that most friends and family are very sensitive to my situation, but I also know that many are at a loss for what to say and how to "handle" me. Maybe this will help...

Infertility Etiquette
By Vita Alligood

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.

IVF is Expensive with Low Odds

One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.

IVF is Physically Taxing

Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.

IVF Raises Ethical Issues

If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.

Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF

On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.

A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.

Don't Play Doctor

Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:

Blocked fallopian tubes
Cysts
Endometriosis
Low hormone levels
Low "normal form" sperm count
Low progesterone level
Low sperm count
Low sperm motility
Thin uterine walls

Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

2007-02-24T09:52:00.000-06:00

You're probably asking yourself, why would she post a picture of the NBC Studios sign on the pregnancy story post? Because I was pregnant when I snapped that pic, that's why!

Ok, so the pregnancy cycle started on May 30, 2005 and we were in Colorado celebrating our 5th anniversary. Because we were on vacation, I wasn't able to start Clomid again, so we were forced to take a medication break, but when I called my Dr office from the mountains of Beaver Creek :), to let her know that AF had arrived, we decided to schedule an HSG, which stands for hystero-something or other-gram. This test is done by a radiologist, where you lie on a table underneath an X-Ray machine and they shoot dye into your uterus and watch on the screen to make sure that your uterus is shaped normally and to see if the dye flows freely through your tubes, making sure that they are clear, it's about as fun as it sounds. Everything looked fine, the procedure wasn't terrible and because the tubes are flushed fertility can sometimes be improved. This was performed on day 10 or something of my cycle. As I said in my previous post, I actually ovulated all by myself on day 15!! This was GREAT news because Brad was out of town for the entire week after that. Yet again, timing was perfect.

So, the time came to test, and we were in Corpus Christi for a friend's wedding (are you seeing the pattern yet?). Before leaving for that trip, everything had been exactly like every other cycle before and I was SURE that I was not pregnant. When Brad picked me up from the airport that afternoon, on our way out to Port A, I felt some wierd twinges in the uterus area and I even made a comment to Brad that it felt like something was going on down there, but I quickly blew it off. Saturday morning came and I woke up to bright red spotting. That is very typical for me when a cycle is over, so I of course figured, oh well, yet another failed cycle and we went to the wedding. That evening, we went to a party at a friend's house and I had several glasses of wine, because I was so sure that I was not pregnant. Sunday morning was the day that I had actually been planning to test. I woke up, and Brad was like, just take a test. Even though I didn't want to, I said, fine, here I go wasting a test. So, I peed on it and set it down and didn't pay any attention to it for a few min. I finally looked at it and thought that I saw the slightest hint of a second pink line. I called Brad over and he could see it too. It was incredibly faint. I actually took a picture of it and you could see it on the camera too. We were not getting excited yet and were not convinced yet, so even though we were staying with my in-laws, we didn't say a word. As soon as we got home to Dallas though, we stopped at Walgreens and I bought about 4 different brands of HPT! I took several that night and all had faint lines - we were starting to believe!! The next morning, I took a digital test and immediately the most beautiful word in the world appeared - "Pregnant"!!! We finally truly celebrated that morning, we were absolutely ecstatic!!! So, that morning, I called my Dr office and they asked me to come in for a beta which is a blood test to measure the level of HCG (pregnancy hormone) in your system. The next day, the nurse called with the result and asked, so when did you ovulate? I told her and she said, hmmm, it's kind of low for where you are. I asked what was it, and she said 35. I of course was freaking out completely. She said to come in the next to day to see if my numbers were doubling appropriately (they should double about every 48-72 hours). So, my next test came back at 56. Not really doubling but my Dr said that it's fine. I felt a little better about it, but I was still pretty scared.

My in-laws were visiting Brad's sister so we were able to announce it to everyone at once. They were so excited for us and it made us feel even more excited. We had already planned a trip to NYC with my parents for the long July 4 weekend, so we decided to wait and announce it to them in person. We were giving my dad a belated Father's Day present so I went out a bought a bib that said, I love my Grandpa and gave it to him. He didn't get it at all at first, so we had to explain, ha ha. My family was so thrilled for us too! We warned everyone that my numbers were kind of low and I wasn't sure if everything was going to work out well. Anyway, our trip was fantastic, so much fun, and we all decided that I was going to have a girl since my sister was pregnant with a boy. I had already picked out my girl name, Rebecca Michele, so we immediately began referring to the baby as Becca. My parents bought Becca a little onesie that said I heart NY and a teddy bear from FAO Schwartz. I had calculated the due date and it was March 6, a great time to have a baby! It was feeling real!!

We got home and everything seemed to be going great with the pregnancy! I felt fine, other than being really tired in the evenings. I still had this nagging feeling that I attributed to nervousness because my sister-in-law had just recently suffered a miscarriage, so I kept worrying that it would happen to me too, but we talked and using very flawed logic decided that the chances would be pretty slim that we would both have miscarriage so close to each other. So, I was in this wierd limbo place, where I started going to baby stores looking at baby furniture and bedding, I would stand in the room that was to be the nursery and imagine where were would put everything, I signed up for weekly baby e-mails, but yet, I refused to actually write anything inside my pregnancy journal - I just used sticky notes. I came to regret signing up for those e-mails because around the due date, I started getting all kinds of reminders in the mail, like diaper and formula samples, congratulations gift cards, etc. It really sucked and it all went straight in the trash.

So, my first OB appt was not scheduled until I was 9 weeks and 3 days, Thursday August 4 because my Dr decided to take a 2 week vacation. This day just happens to be my grandmother's birthday and my sister and her husband's anniversary, so good things happen on that day! My birthday came and went before the appt, I received gift cards for maternity clothes and to Pottery Barn so that I could buy baby stuff at PBK. Those cards are still sitting in the cabinet where I hid them a year and a half ago. We had only told our immediate family and planned to announce our news to everyone else after my first u/s.

August 4 FINALLY arrived. I was a ball of stress that day. I was told to come to the appt with a full bladder and we of course had to wait a freaking hour to get in. I was dying and could not relax. I had this feeling of doom that came over me that day. We finally got in and Dr S just talked to us for a little while about delivery, gave me a packet of info, we looked at the u/s pictures on the wall to see what our baby should look like at this point blah blah - finally it's time to do the u/s. So she first tried to do one on the belly, but couldn't see anything, so we had to do the "probe". I could see on the screen a sack with what looked like a big ball in it and nothing else. She wass frantically moving the probe around and there was nothing else. I immediately knew. Brad grabbed my hand and Dr. S said, you should be a whole lot more pregnant than this. It looked like what a 5 week pregancy would look like, before you can see the fetal pole but you can see the yolk sac (the big ball). She said to come back in a week to see if anything had changed, but warned me that I might m/c on my own. I had to get bloodwork that day too. I hadn't really cried much until we got outside and I had to call my parents. I immediately began sobbing uncontrollably, it was absolutely devastating. I was supposed to go back to work but I didn't of course. Brad and I went to lunch at Tin Star and he started crying at the restaurant - it was just horrible. I spent the next week in a fog. I cried everyday, I was so scared that I would start bleeding out of the blue and had read stories of women who end up in the ER due to excruciating pain and hemmoraging. I felt like a coffin, I was pregnant but yet I was not...

We went to the Dr the next week for our second u/s and of course nothing had changed and so she offered to perform a D&C the next day. I said absolutely yes, I needed this to be over as soon as possible. I had another blood test that day. I felt such relief that it was going to over soon. We even went out to dinner with a friend who was in town for business. I had a couple margaritas and actually felt pretty good. We go in on Friday for the D&C and she says that my HCG levels had actually dropped that week from 84,000 to 50,000, which was confirmation that the pregancy was miscarrying. The procedure wasn't bad, I woke up and felt pretty good. Dr S sent the tissues in for testing to see what the reason was for the m/c. We went to lunch at Potbelly - I was starving. The guy who worked there could tell that I had been in for something because I still had my wrist band on. I said that I had some outpatient surgery, and he then proceeds to tell me that he just recently had his vasectomy there because he needed to be sure not to have anymore kids. I had to restrain myself from informing him that I had just had my dead baby scraped out of my uterus. I talked to our parents and really felt pretty fine that day.

The weekend, was another story. I was an absolute wreck. I would have moments of crying uncontrollably and felt like I was losing my mind. We did manage to go out to dinner with some friends that Saturday night and I did fine. I struggled with depression and cried daily for weeks. Eventually, I started to feel better and everyone assured me that now we knew that I could get pregnant so it will happen again in no time. As I said before, I was sure that the blood pressure medication had been the problem so I felt pretty good about our chances. We had to wait of course until I was fully recovered to try again, but I was sure that I would be pregnant again by the due date, ha ha!

Oh yeah, the testing came back - it was a boy with tetraploidy which means that his chromosmes were XYXY, he had two complete sets. I found out that this is a somewhat rare fluke and happened with the very first cell division. These pregnancies rarely progress past 4-5 weeks but my body just didn't get the message. Obviously my body doesn't have trouble carrying a pregnancy.

Cute Video

2007-02-23T17:19:00.000-06:00

Today, I decided to post something that makes me smile. I found this video clip over the weekend and it cracked me up. Dexter loves to give me belly massages like this :). I can't figure out how to make the darn link clickable, so sorry, you'll have to copy and paste the address below.

http://media.putfile.com/Cat-massage

The first year...

2007-02-22T18:13:00.000-06:00

It didn't take long after our June 2000 wedding for people to start asking "that" question - when are you going to have kids? We would smile and say, oh not for a while, we are enjoying ourselves right now! We want to travel, go out with friends, you know how it goes. My personal goal had been to have our first child by our 5th anniversary (Ha!) but at the very latest by the time I turned 30 (Ha Ha!). So, we determined that a good time to start TTC (trying to conceive) would be around my 28th B-Day which happened to be in July 2004. Knowing that it might take a little while, I figured this will give us over a year to get pregnant and I'll still have my baby by the time my 30th rolls around, right?

So, at my annual exam in May 2004, I told my OB/Gyn that we were getting ready to start. She gave me a little bit of info on charting my temperature to determine when or if I was ovulating and wrote me a prescription for a prenantal vitamin and off I went! Being the planner that I am, I immediately went to B&N and buy a book, Taking Charge of Your Fertility, which goes into even further detail on charting your cycles, and then I discovered the website, Fertility Friend which allows you to chart your cycles on line and they have these message boards with tons of other women who are also TTC. This will be great and easy because I'm taking action, I'm doing exactly what I should be doing to conceive quickly, I am taking charge of my fertility after all!! I do remember that before I started taking the BCP that my cycles were kind of long and maybe irregular, but I really didn't pay much attention back then, but even so, I'm charting so I'll know exactly when I ovulate so no problem!

So, on August 18, 2004, AF (Aunt Flo aka my period) arrived, just a few weeks past my 28th B-Day, and we were on our way! I started taking my temperature religiously every morning. I ovulated later than "normal" on day 29, hmmm, but our timing was perfect and I had gum surgery a couple weeks before, so that probably delayed it. So, we waited with such excitement and we talked about how great it would be to conceive on the first try. The time finally came to test. My boobs were sore, I was feeling extra fatigued, these are symptoms, I must be pregnant! I would soon learn that pregnancy and PMS symptoms are exactly the same. We were at my parent's house that weekend for a friend's wedding (you will begin to see a pattern here!) when I took my very first HPT (home pregnancy test)! Brad and I huddled in the bathroom that Saturday morning to watch it develop. BFN (big fat negative) of course. We were disappointed of course, but it was just the first try! So we moved on to cycle #2 with just as much optimism and excitement.

Cycle #2 turned out to be even longer, I didn't ovulate until day 45 making it a 59 day cycle, what a beating. Hmmm...Again BFN. Cycle #3 was a little bit shorter, but it was still long and again BFN. It's time to see a Dr about these wacky cycles. So I made an appt with my OB again armed with my charts. She agreed that it was definitely not normal, and so the testing began. Brad has his testing done which was pronounced "normal", whew! Then my bloodwork was done and everything looked A-OK, we didn't really know what was wrong. Then I was introduced to the ultrasound "probe", soon to become my best friend, but more on that later. Everything looked fine. So, we decide to try Clomid which will make me ovulate sooner. Somewhere during this final unmedicated cycle, the first (of MANY) pregnancy announcements came, and yes, pretty much without exception they are hard - well pregnancies of fellow infertiles always give me hope for myself. It was my younger sister and they weren't even "trying" yet, ouch. I was insanely jealous, my stress-level suddenly went through the roof and then the guilt came, causing the stress to increase, and you see how that probably went.

We're already in Feb 2005 at this point and AF finally arrived. Clomid was fine, no real side effects other than a couple hot flashes and I was thrilled because I ovulated on day 21! Earliest ever! At some point during this cycle, I was hanging out on the message boards and come across a post that said that certain types of blood pressure meds can make men infertile, basically everything looks normal but their sperm cannot penetrate the egg. I realized, holy crap, Brad is on that type of medication! So, he asked his Dr to change his prescription and I found out that fresh sperm can be made and become mature within about 70 days. I began to think that this must be the problem. Back to the first Clomid cycle. We were in Corpus Christi for Easter, staying with the in-laws, and my family was down from Houston as well. Good Friday was "testing day". I also wanted to see if I could drink wine that night because everyone was coming over and we were having a party! That morning, I took my Answer brand HPT and immediately, a beautiful second pink line came up! Brad and I started jumping up and down, we couldn't wipe the grins off our faces! We were overjoyed! Then, after about a min, Brad looked at the test again and said, Jenn, the line is getting lighter. We watched as the line slowly disappeared. What the??? So, we snuck out of the house to buy another HPT which I took later that afternoon and it was negative of course. Needless to say, lots of wine was consumed that night. It was also the first time I'd seen my sister with her little pregnant belly in maternity clothes. It was all too much and I had an emotional breakdown - in front of the whole family - how embarrassing.

So, we keep going. We took a break, then did another round of Clomid and I counted the days until that magic 70 day window passed and Brad's sperm were "effective" again. So, on our 8th cycle, on a break from Clomid, I ovulated on day 15!! Holy cow that's the earliest ever! Our timing was perfect and it was just about 75 days since Brad had changed his meds, and guess what happened?? You got it, I was pregnant!!!

I'm going to leave the pregnancy story for another day...I apologize for the wordiness but man it feels great to get all this out!!

When will it be our turn?

2007-02-21T19:02:00.000-06:00

This is my very first blog entry! How exciting!!

As we embark on this journey to our first IVF (that's in-vitro fertilization for those of you who are new to the infertility world), I thought that this would be a great outlet for my thoughts and feelings during this highly stressful and emotional process, as well as a way to share this journey with close friends and family. Hopefully this will also give you all some further insight into our infertility journey so far, as we have been fairly private about it. Get ready for some education, folks!

As we are constantly being left behind by so many friends and family who easily become pregnant, have wonderful pregnancies and beautiful, healthy babies I ask....When will it be our turn???