Our Journey through the Madness of Infertility

Our Journey is Over

2008-04-02T21:21:00.006-06:00

I'm happy to say that our infertility journey is over but a new one has just begun! It only took me over 4 months to finally update this blog and this will probably be my last post. After two weeks of strict bedrest in the hospital, our precious baby girl, Lauren Michele, was born on December 1 at 11:26 AM at 33 weeks and 4 days gestation. She weighed 4 pounds 8 ounces, and was 17 1/2 inches long. She was in the NICU for 16 days with some minor help breathing, but mainly was a "feeder and a grower". She has grown and changed so much in these 4 months and is the absolute light of our lives! She is our precious miracle baby!

Here are some progress photos

I thoroughly enjoyed keeping this blog during our IVF cycle. It served as a very therapeutic outlet during such a stressful time in our lives. Thanks for reading!!

And I thought that was an eventful weekend?

2007-11-23T11:32:00.000-06:00

This has been one interesting week. On Sunday afternoon, I had spent the entire day laying in bed, reading a book, just like I was supposed to do, and got up to go to the bathroom as I had been doing about every 30 minutes, and I wiped and the toilet paper was full of blood. Then, it started coming more heavily. I ran out to the living room where Brad was sound asleep taking a nap and woke him up to tell him I was bleeding. We both ran back to the bathroom where I sat down on the toilet again and it was literally gushing into the toilet so bad that it sounded like I was peeing. I put on 2 pads just in case and we just ran out the door to rush to the hospital which is fortunately only 2 miles from our house. I could tell that the bleeding had already slowed down dramatically and was no longer gushing. We knew that this could happen so we were as prepared for as it as you can be and knew what to do. It definitely helped us both keep a calm/cool head about the blood.

We checked in at the emergency room and finally someone came down with a wheelchair to take me up to L&D. I had called my Dr on the way and she called me while we were still in emergency to find out exactly what was going on and she literally got here 10 minutes after we did. I got into a gown and in bed and when Dr. M got here, she did a speculum exam to take a look inside and cleaned out a lot of of the blood. She said that I'm a good clotter because I was full of clots. I guess that's a good thing if you're going to bleed heavily like that. They then hooked me up to an IV and everyone was preparing us to deliver that night. They even had a NICU nurse come to talk to us about what to expect with an almost 32 weeker. They told us that we had two huge things in our favor - that Lauren is a girl and that we've had the steroid shots. Apparently as a general rule, girls do better than boys do. So, we were very freaked out and I was a basket case, sobbing like crazy. We called our families and told them that we were probably having the baby that night and tried to prepare ourselves mentally which is pretty impossible to do let me tell you. Dr. M came in to do another speculum exam about an hour or so after the first one, and we got the best news we could have ever gotten - the bleeding had completely stopped! So, I was considered stable and we were taking the night to see what happened.

I wasn't allowed to eat anything just in case over night, but because I went the entire night with nothing but some very light spotting so they let me start eating the next morning. I was officially sentenced to STRICT bedrest which means that I'm not allowed out of bed PERIOD. I was given a cathedar which is really not as bad as it sounds because it is very convenient not having to us the bedpan constantly, but I do have the use the dreaded bedpan for you know what - NOT FUN at all and it is really quite humiliating. I also have to have sponge baths in beds and luckily the nurses have figured out a way to wash my hair while laying in bed. I can't tell you how nice it feels to feel clean - I just had a "bed shower" this morning and I feel like a new person. I just have to keep reminding myself that it is all worth it.

So, I've officially been here at the hospital for 5 nights and things have gone relatively well. I did have a second minor bleeding episode on Monday afternoon that was bit scary, but again it stopped very quickly, though it scared both us and Dr. M. Since then, I've had nothing but some brown spotting which is just old blood and nothing to be concerned about.

At this stage of pregnancy, every day is an accomplishment and every week is HUGE. We're praying to make it to at least 34 weeks which is really good. Those babies have a fairly good chance of being able to bottle or breast feed exclusively and she has a really good chance of being able to breath just room air on her own though she may a little bit of oxygen through a canula in her nose. She would likely only need to spend a week or two in the NICU and would hopefully be home in time for Christmas! Babies born earlier say at 32-33 weeks have a hard time "nippling" all their feeds (that's the term that the NICU nurse used) because they either haven't developed a strong enough suckling reflex or just get too tired, so they are typically fed with a feeding tube in their mouth or nose (some 34 weekers have this too). They can receive pumped breast milk this way which is great. The nurse said that their NICU is very pro breast feeding which makes me happy. She said that no matter how little breast milk that I can pump, especially at the beginning, will be given to her. She said that they have a very small unit which is also great because the babies get lots of individual attention and it's a much quieter/calmer environment than other large units where she's worked. She said that parents are allowed to go up there 22 hours a day (they only close for one hour in the morning and one hour in the evening. She said that parents can be as involved as they want in caring for their babies, like feeding, bathing, etc. when they get strong and healthy enough. Some very common problems for preemies are apnea and bradys or a's and b's. Apnea is where the baby "forgets" to breath and they are on monitors that will go off if this happens. She said that they just pat the baby when this happens and then they're fine. Bradys (I know that's not the complete word for it) are heart decels. Babies have to go 5 consecutive days without any episodes before they are allowed to go home, along with gaining wait and nippling all their feeds. I've learned so much about preemies!! I just hope that Lauren never has to see the inside of the NICU though if she comes before 35 weeks, she'll automatically go there. At 35 weeks, the NICU staff will be in the OR but they may or may not need to take her.

So, how am I doing? I'm hanging in there. I have good days and bad days. I was extremely emotional on day 3, Wednesday for some reason. I just couldn't stop crying at everything. I still feel pretty emotional and cry easily, but it's getting better. I'm allowed to be emotional though, this is a really hard thing to deal with. My body aches from laying here 24 hours a day, but turning from my side to my back periodically helps. That's my excitement for the day! I've been watching a lot of TV of course and I've hijacked Brad's work laptop and have been spending a lot of time on-line. Brad has been spending a lot of time up here and his parents are in town for Thanksgiving so they've all come to hang out with me. I had a to go plate for my Thanksgiving dinner and it was very yummy! Brad and his dad are working on finishing the nursery up, painting and putting up chair rail. I can't wait to see the pictures! My mom is coming on Wednesday and my Dad will be coming on Friday. It will be nice to see them, especially since Brad is heading back to work part-time next week. I had to cancel my baby shower since it was supposed to be next weekend. I was sad about that, but it's fine - things just didn't work out. Maybe we'll do something in January or something after Lauren arrives. I feel a bit like a ticking time bomb laying here because I know that the bleeding can start for no reason whatsoever which is pretty scary. I just keep waiting for it to happen. We were told that with the next big bleed, they're cutting. I'm also terrified because they have had to remind me (even though I knew this already) that there is a risk of an emergency hysterectomy with a previa if they can't get the bleeding to stop in the OR. What happens after the baby is born is that the uterus immediately clamps down like a fist and detaches the placenta. This normally happens very easily and the placenta just comes out and the contractions help to stop the bleeding. Unfortunately with a previa, the bottom of the uterus is not as efficient at contracting and it makes it more difficult to stop that bleeding. One good thing in our favor is that even though my previa is complete, the majority of my placenta is posterior which means it is growing up the back of my uterus, which is a much better scenario then when the placenta is literally sitting on the bottom of the uterus, or centered over the cervix. It still has a chance to move up while I'm laying here too so again something to hope for. I believe that I'll have another sono on Monday to check things out, though it was still there last Monday and I don't think that it typically moves that quickly but you never know. As Lauren continues to gain weight, my uterus continues to stretch and grow which is a good thing. It's just a waiting game at this point. We could definitely use some extra prayers for a safe and relatively uneventful delivery.

So, that's the update for now. I'll try to keep this updated though there isn't much to talk about when all you do is lay in bed all day!

What an exciting weekend!

2007-11-12T15:29:00.000-06:00

We had a very eventful few days, but not in a good way. On Thursday afternoon right after getting out of a meeting, I made one of my many daily visits to the restroom and was dismayed to find that I was spotting. I knew that this was a big deal and not something to take lightly with the previa, so I immediately called my OB and of course had to leave a message for the nurse because my OB had just been called in for a delivery. So, I stewed for a couple minutes, and went back to the bathroom to see how things looked and I was having more spotting, so I called the office again and they told me to go straight to labor & delivery.

I drove myself and Brad met me there about 15 minutes later. In that short 15 minutes, they already me in a gown in bed and hooked up to the monitors. Baby Lauren (yes, we finally officially decided on a name!) sounded fantastic and she definitely is not a big fan of the heartbeat monitor because she was kicking the heck out of it the whole time :)! The contraction monitor unfortunately, showed quite a bit of regular activity which they deemed to be uterine irritability and minor contractions that I couldn't feel coming about every 3-5 minutes. The nurse asked how much I'd drank that day and I realized that I might not have drank as much as I normally do, so they started pushing fluids because dehydration can definitely bring this stuff on. I chugged a couple big jugs of water and it still hadn't worked, so they hooked me up to an IV and gave me half a bag in about 10 minutes and that eventually stopped all activity. They take any contractions very seriously with a previa because that is what causes the significant bleeding. So, they kept me on the IV all night and the OB on call talked to me about the likelihood of bedrest but everyone was comforted that the contractions were stopped with fluid alone.

On Friday morning, the Peri showed up but not my normal one and that is a whole other dramatic story that I'll share later. Anyway, this Peri, Dr. K did my sonogram and Baby looked great and is weighing in at 3 pounds 4 ounces, and my cervix was still long and closed which is a very good sign that my body isn't preparing for labor in the next 2-3 weeks. My previa is still complete though. She did tell me that she would recommend a course of steroid shots to help give Lauren's lungs a boost in case she is born too early, and my OB agreed, so I had my first shot at 12:15 on Friday. Because I needed my second shot 12 hours later, and they wanted to continue to monitor me, I spent a second night in the hospital. Let me tell you, those beds are NOT comfortable! I was sleeping in a labor bed which means that it comes apart for delivery so it has all kinds of crazy parts and lumps. The nurse had told me that if I had to stay longer they would get me a more comfy bed. The first night they gave me an Ambien and that really helped but the second night, no such luck. So, on Saturday morning, I woke up at about 5:30 AM and noticed that my contraction monitor was showing regular minor activity again and the nurse came in soon and we started pushing fluids again but without the IV which again got everything under control.

Fortunately, Dr. P, my OB, decided that it would be ok for me to head home on bedrest which I was so grateful for, so we were released around noon on Friday. It was great to get home and take a shower and just be on our own couch and sleep in our own bed! I was told to be a couch potato for the next 6 weeks and stay off my feet as much as possible but I can of course make my MANY trips to the bathroom, take a shower and fix myself something to eat. I'm not allowed to leave the house except for Dr appts so those will be my "big outings". I also have to continue to really push those fluids. I think this will be a long 6 weeks but I just pray that I make it that long! We're still sticking with the plan to have the amnio on Dec 20 and c-section Dec 21. I'm so glad that this happened after Brad got home because I was so scared that it would happen while he was gone! Poor Brad is going to be one busy bee over these next weeks! He is now in charge of laundry, running errands, cooking, everything! He was working non-stop this weekend, while I just pointed and supervised. He's being great though and of course just wants me and Lauren to be ok!

So, that's the exciting update! I have a sono with my regular Peri tomorrow, and I'm sure we'll get some new pics, so I'll post those later.

My hubby is coming home today!!!

2007-11-02T07:53:00.000-06:00

I'm so excited because Brad is FINALLY getting home tonight after a 2 week business trip around the world - literally. I'm so excited to see him!! I didn't post about him being gone before because I'm a paranoid pregnant girl who didn't want to let people know that I was home by myself for that long since this blog can be read by anyone out there on the world wide web.

Anyway, here was his itinerary - he left on Sunday, Oct 21 to fly to Copenhagen with a connection in Zurich, and had to travel by train to Sweden to work for about a day and a half. Then he took the train back to Copenhagan and flew to Duseldorf, Germany on Wednesday morning and worked there for about another day and a half. Then he took the train to Luxembourg and spent Friday and Saturday morning with our friends Geoff and Alison who just moved there for a 2 year rotation for work. On Saturday morning, he took the train to Paris and walked around for about an hour before hopping on a plane to Tokyo. He spent about 2 1/2 days in Japan which he loved by the way, and then flew to Shanghai, China on Wed morning. He worked for a couple days there and then hopped on a plane to Chicago at 4 AM our time, 5 PM their time and will arrive in Chicago at 5 PM the same day! This happens to be Brad's birthday and it will officially be the longest one of his life - 35 hours!! It will also be long because he is spending a large portion of the day on a plane but fortunately, it is his company's policy that for overseas flights he gets to fly business or first class. He will of course fly home from Chicago tonight. Does that itinerary sound exhausting or what?!

I've missed him so much and I was sad that he missed 2 weeks of our pregnancy, but he had a great experience so that's ok. I'm sure he'll be able to see a difference in my girth when he sees me! I also finally get to show him all the great gifts and things we've received as well as our stroller and carseat that arrived the other day! I managed to keep myself pretty busy though Christmas shopping and shopping for baby of course :)!

Last week's update

2007-10-30T18:36:00.001-06:00

My office shower was wonderful! The ladies in my department hosted it and they did such a beautiful job! I was so overwhelmed with everyone's generosity. Here is a pic of the "sea of pink loot" and the beautiful cake.

I had my gestational diabetes test Friday morning and I received the news this morning that I passed! Yippee! I did unfortunately find out that I'm anemic which really isn't a big deal - I just have to take iron supplements. I don't really have any obvious symptoms which I guess is good. I also talked to the OB about scheduling my c-section and it is now officially on the calendar for December 21!! Holy cow!! My amnio will be performed by my Peri on Dec 20. That is less than 2 months away!! It's crazy how real it feels now. Fortunately, I got a pretty good start on Christmas shopping over the weekend. I definitely need to get that done sooner rather than later! If my placenta happens to move out of way in time, we'll just cancel the c-section.

So, that's the update that I promised on the exciting events of last week!

Some promising news

2007-10-21T13:34:00.000-06:00

Here's the newest photo of Stretch! She's getting so big! Anyway, we had our second Peri appt on Friday afternoon and our little girl still looks perfect and now weighs in at a whopping 2 pounds 4 ounces! As far as the status of my placenta, it looks like it is on the move! It is still a complete previa; however, Dr. A couldn't see that it was obviously complete with the abdominal ultrasound so he had to go in and take a look with the probe. He said that it might move still, but because it's still complete at this stage, it's pretty unlikely that it will move far enough away to allow a vaginal delivery which is fine with me. I just want it to move far enough away that it won't be such a risk to me or the baby. We could maybe also postpone delivery some in that scenario, but we'll just have to see. Our next appointment is Nov 13.

In other exciting news, I'm officially in the third trimester! I can't believe it!! We have also reached the point of viability which is such a relief. I know it's been a while since I posted a belly shot so here's my 27 week one which also happens to be one of my bare belly!

I have my next OB appointment on Thursday morning along with my gestational diabetes test (yuck) and my office baby shower that afternoon (yay)! I'm very excited! I'll be sure and update after the big events of the week!

One of those blue days

2007-10-16T09:50:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling really down today after getting the terrible news last night that one of my dear friends is miscarrying. This particular friend has been through far more infertility hell than ANYONE deserves, way more than me, and it just truly breaks my heart. I was so over the moon excited about her BFP that I was practically jumping out of my skin and now this - not that my excitement or subsequent sadness is anything compared to her's or her husband's. I just keep asking myself - why? Why her? Why anyone? This just sucks :(.

Good news and bad news

2007-10-01T08:12:00.000-06:00

I'll start with the good news first...

We had our Peri appt with Dr. A on Friday and little Stretch looks absolutely perfect! We also confirmed that she is all girl which we are very excited about! She's getting so big! In just 4 weeks, she went from 10 ounces to 1 pound 6 ounces. She's really packing on the pounds :)! We could see her profile this time and she had both hands in front of her face and she was sticking her tongue out, sort of licking her hands - it was very cool! My parents also came into town this weekend and we had planned to register which we did and that was a lot of fun, until Brad got tired and rushed us out of there - men! We also bought our furniture which we though we would have to order and wait for 10 weeks but we were pleasantly surprised to find out that they had it all in stock so we got to take it home and Brad and my Dad got it all set up. We of course then had to go out and buy the mattress and bedding to see what the finished crib will look like and it's adorable! Our bedding is pastel greens and pinks and whites with little lady bugs, dragonflies and flowers on it. Now we have to get the room painted, pick out a chair and get some more accessories. Oh, and we haven't tackled the closet yet - not looking forward to that job. It's so exciting to have it coming together!

So, onto the bad news...my placenta really hasn't moved at all. Dr. A told me that based on the way it looks now, he really doesn't expect it to resolve, so we talked about the plan. I go back on Oct 19 for another follow-up and will continue to have regular follow ups to monitor any changes. Assuming it doesn't resolve and I've been major complication free, at 36 1/2 weeks he will do an amnio to check for lung maturity and if she's ready to come out, my c-section will be right away because it's pretty imperative that they deliver before I go into labor or start having any real contractions. He also told me that though some women never bleed that most do at some point, and the first bleed is usually not life threatening - uh great. I'm thinking that it is a positive thing that I haven't had any bleeding or even spotting yet. We're just continuing to pray that I don't have any major bleeding episodes that would require a very early delivery or would be very dangerous to me or the baby. He did point out to me that he has to give really bad news to women everyday about the health of their babies, so I'm pretty lucky to have a perfect little munchkin in there! I'm incredibly grateful for that!

I'm OB-less!

2007-09-26T13:38:00.000-06:00

I had my regular OB appointment yesterday and my regular doc, Dr. K, is still on maternity leave so I continued my floating and instead saw the brand new doc to the practice, Dr. M. Anyway, they informed me that Dr. K has decided to become a stay at home mom to her three boys! I can't say I blame her at all since I'm doing it too, but I'm a little sad to be losing her. I also couldn't imagine going through all that education - 9 years of medical school and residency! - and then retiring, but I also couldn't imagine having her schedule with three little ones. Her husband is also a Dr so they both have a lot on their plates career-wise. Good for her! I get to see her one more time because she is coming back just for the month of October. So, I now have to choose another of the three docs for my regular one. The one that I really want, Dr. B, is actually pregnant (with her second IVF baby!) and is due right before me so I guess it wouldn't make much sense to pick her, hmmm.

So, the rest of the appointment was fairly uneventful, with a perfectly sized uterus, very strong heartbeat in the 150's and slightly more weight gain that I expected, until Dr. M asked me about my Peri appt. I told her I have it scheduled for Friday and she then asked me if I understood why I needed to see him. I said yes, because of the previa and she said yes, and because we couldn't see the arteries exiting the heart - uh WHAT??? That was the first that I had heard this! She told me that it was nothing to freak out about (easy for her to say), but that it was simply that the sonographers try to see where the two major arteries (pulmonary and aorta) exit the heart because they should exit from the correct chambers and apparently she couldn't get a good enough picture to see. Apparently my Peri has much better equipment for that sort of thing so he can check it for us. I have to believe that this is not a big deal or a sign that something could be wrong or the other two doctors who I've talked to since the ultrasound would have said something. She assured me that everything about the heart that they could see looked perfect. I'm a little worried, but not terribly.

So, in other baby news, we saw my belly jumping for the first time last night! I'm sure that I could have seen it before if I'd stared at my bare belly for long enough, but last night she was really doing karate chops so we could see it through my shirt! Then I lifted it up and we could see it even better. It was so cool! I just love it!

Still can't believe this is really happening

2007-09-20T09:13:00.000-06:00

I am still in shock that I have an actual baby growing and kicking :) inside of me! It seems so surreal at times, but I am LOVING every moment! I have been making more frequent trips to Babies R Us and other baby stores lately, trying to make some final decisions on registry, bedding, furniture, etc., and I still hear that nagging little voice in the back of my head asking if I really belong here. Yes, as a matter of fact, I do and it's becoming quite obvious now! For so many years, I avoided those places like the plague and if I was forced to go in, it was in and out as fast as I could possibly move. What a difference a few months can make!

Ever since we found out that Stretch is a girl, we've received so many gifts and adorable baby girl clothes! I've also become quite the shopaholic myself. This little girl is going to be quite the fashionista! I'm secretly nervous that they got it wrong and she is really a he and we're going to have all this pink stuff, but I know that the chances of that are pretty slim. I'm going to have Dr. A double check for me next week to make me feel more confident that we can proceed with the buying of pink.

Last week I finally broke the news to my boss that I am not coming back. I was so nervous about it and had worked myself into quite a tizzy over it, but it actually went very smoothly. He was very understanding and I really don't think he was all that surprised. He told me that he just wants me to be happy which was nice. I was afraid that things would be awkward between us, but things are pretty much business as usual. We are going to start looking for a replacement soon and I'll hopefully be able to train that person before I leave. I plan to work right up to before Christmas by the way (if I can). I figure I can't travel anyway so I might as well earn as much cash as possible.

I'm very anxiously awaiting our appointment with Dr. A next Friday only a week to go! I'll keep you posted on the status of my placenta. I keep talking to it, encouraging it to move, so we'll see if it has listened to me.

More placenta previa talk

2007-09-04T14:29:00.000-06:00

I've been a researching fool ever since I got the diagnosis, and just wanted to share a little bit of that with you. I have been told so many differing statistics about the resolution of these things that I was going crazy! I heard from one OB that 95% resolve, then another said 85% resolve, then I read articles online that 90% resolve. Anyway, I was interested in finding information that was specific to complete previas (what I have) and finally found an article that had statistics for each. Here's the link http://www.aafp.org/afp/20070415/1199.html. Anyway, it says that previas are less likely to move in women who have had a previous C-section (one point in my favor!), because it seems that placentas like to adhere to scar tissue. Of course I worry about having scar tissue from my D&C but I know that would definitely not be as significant as C-section scarring.

So, this article says that for complete previas with no previous c/s that are diagnosed at 15-19 weeks (mine was diagnosed at 20), that 20% will persist to delivery and if it's still there at 24-27 weeks 56% will persist. It all depends on the position of the placenta though, i.e., how far the overlap is, and I don't have that information yet. I know my Peri will look at it in greater detail and take measurements and all that good stuff. I've also found a message board on Babycenter (they have message boards for everything!) for placental problems and have found many stories of women whose placentas eventually moved and also of women who had no bleeding at all though it seems that majority whose persisted did have at least one bleeding episode.

One of my online friends had a complete previa that persisted to delivery and she had a bleeding episode at 33 weeks and spent 3 days in the hospital and then went home on bedrest for the rest of her pregnancy until they delivered her baby girl by uneventful c/s at 36 weeks. I think that her experience is pretty typical. I also find it pretty crazy that we would both have this happen because it's relatively uncommon! I must say that at the time that she was going through it, I really didn't understand just how serious it can be but I have definitely been educated! They say that you are the highest risk for bleeding at 28 weeks and beyond due to cervical changes, dilation and contractions. The goal is to schedule your c/s before labor begins, so it's almost always going to be scheduled before 40 weeks, most often around 37 weeks.

There are lots of other crazy complications that could happen with previas that I won't go into here, but here's a good general article about it - http://www.babycenter.com/0_placenta-previa_830.bc?Ad=com.bc.common.AdInfo%4053b252a

On a much lighter note, we went to Vegas for Labor Day weekend and had a GREAT time! We spent a lot of time relaxing out by the pool, saw a show, ate some great meals and Brad did some gambling and ended up coming out WAY ahead which is very exciting! More money to cover some of those big baby gear expenses, woohoo!

Here is our daughter!

2007-08-28T20:10:00.000-06:00

It's so surreal to use that word! I love it!

Here is the "money shot" that left no doubt that yes, she is a girl!
Here is her face! We couldn't get a profile shot because she was facing forward, folded in half with her feet up by her face - she's quite the contortionist! You can even see the heart in this pic. It's the dark spot on her chest.

Results of the BIG U/S!!

2007-08-28T10:14:00.000-06:00

It's a GIRL!! We are so excited! She showed us the "goods" immediately and was not shy at all! She was wiggling around like crazy and looks absolutely perfect! Now for the fun to begin! Brad took the pics to work with him so I'll post some tonight. She's so beautiful!

Unfortunately, this pregnancy was not destined to be complication free. I have a complete placenta previa. That means that the placenta is completely covering my cervix which automatically makes this a high risk pregnancy, so I'm being sent off the Perinatal specialist for sonograms every 4 weeks to see what the placenta's position is. I go for my first one on Sept 28. They can sometimes move up and away from the cervix as the uterus grows, and I was told that the majority do move, so we're praying that happens. If not, it will mean an automatic C-section, possible early delivery and bedrest. It looked like the placenta is posterior which means that it is growing up the back of the uterus with the bottom covering the cervix so in that position, we have a greater chance of it moving up the back of my uterus. So far I haven't had any bleeding or spotting or anything, but it is apparently very common with previas, especially in the third trimester so I have to be very careful and watch out for that and may wind up in the hospital for my bedrest. I've been put on pelvic rest and I'm going to be taking it easy from now on. I've read a few articles and have seen some scary stuff in there (worst case scenario stuff) and I'll admit, I'm pretty freaked out about it. I would appreciate any prayers!

Oh how times have changed

2007-08-24T13:38:00.000-06:00

First, I'll apologize for my rant in my last post. That stuff does bother me, don't get me wrong, but I was having one of those days when EVERYTHING got on my nerves. Just an example of how bad it was, I was riding the elevator down that afternoon and had of course pushed 1 for the bottom floor, and this girl gets on at the floor below me and for some reason felt the need to push 1 again even though it was lit, and yes, that annoyed me! Ah, pregnancy hormones :)!

So, on to the reason for this entry. I was just reflecting on what a drastic turn my outlook has taken. For example, I've started recording A Baby Story everyday and get so excited to watch it! This is a show that you couldn't have paid me enough to watch just a few short months ago - way too painful. I went to a baby shower a few weeks ago and it was the first time that I didn't cry on my way home in oh about 3 years and it felt great! I see pregnant women out in public and instead of feeling sad and looking away, I find myself smiling at them. Of course, I do secretly wonder if they had it easy or not, and I do get jealous of the "had it easy" crowd, but trust me this is a huge improvement. When I see a hugely pregnant woman that looks visibly uncomfortable out in this Texas August heat, I actually feel real sympathy for her and believe me when I say that this is a new one! When I see new mothers or couples with tiny babies, I think with great joy about how that will be us soon, not, I wonder if that will ever be us which is a terribly depressing thought for someone who wants nothing more than to be a mother. I think that I will always hold some bitterness and residual pain from our struggle deep inside, but it feels incredible to have such an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders!

Only 3 more days until the BIG U/S!!!!

Irritating news story

2007-08-22T14:19:00.000-06:00

This morning as we were getting ready for work, I heard Matt Lauer giving the introduction on the Today Show (my favorite morning show by the way!), and one of the top stories was, "A woman has given birth to identical quadruplets without the use of fertility drugs!" What? Gasp! No fertility drugs for indentical quadruplets which means that a single egg and sperm spontaneously split into 4 babies! Yes folks, it could happen to anyone. If they had been fraternal quads, yes, they likely were conceived with the help of fertility drugs. I get so annoyed with the misinformed media and public for that matter (probably as a result of stories like these) on matters related to reproduction and conception. I didn't see the story, but I highly doubt that they addressed the difference between identicals and fraternals, i.e. single versus multiple eggs, and explained that identicals are completely spontaneous and random occurances. Of course Brad reminded me that if we hadn't gone through this, we would assume that they were a result of fertility treatments and he's maybe, probably right. I also know that there are many people who read this blog who are "fertile" who don't know all the ins and outs of conception and the infertility world (and they're certainly not going to learn it from the media), but that is one of my goals here - to try to educate. Another one that gets me are the people who say that because their husbands have twins in their families so they have a higher chance of having twins too. Uh, sorry to say but the husbands have nothing to do with it. They always have millions of sperm while it's up to the woman to release the multiple eggs or for the embryo to spontaneously split which again has nothing to do with genetics.

So, that's my little fertility lesson of the day. Stepping off my soapbox now...

18 Weeks!!

2007-08-15T07:55:00.000-06:00

Here's my 18 week belly shot!
My very talented photographer seems to have cut off the top of my head! The most important thing is the belly, right? I'll start posting them about every two weeks or so.

I get weekly e-mails from Babycenter that tell me about what is going on with the baby that week and they usually have a food reference for the size of the baby, like one week it was a jumbo shrimp, another week an avocado, etc. Anyway, I always forward them on to Brad and he likes to read them out to his staff (he's so cute and excited :)!). So, last week, it said that the baby was the size of a large onion so one of the girls decided to print out a picture of an onion and wrote Stretch on it and hung it on his whiteboard - this morning, there was a picture of a sweet potato :).

I think I forgot to mention that at my Dr appointment on Monday, they drew blood for the AFP test which is the one that tests for the risk of spina bifida and other neural tube defects. Anyway, I got the results and everything was good! I really wasn't worried about it, but it's always a relief to hear that the results were just fine.

Look what I found!

2007-08-13T12:13:00.000-06:00

Someone posted a link to this cool website that has all kinds of nifty things that you can order related to infertility, like T-Shirts, baby bibs or onesies. Anyway, I picked out one that I really like that I'm definitely going to order for Stretch -

I know most people don't know what that means, but ART stands for Advanced Reproductive Technologies, basically IVF. I thought it was so cute and clever!

Brad wants this one -

Pretty funny, huh?

Our appointment went well today. I've only gained about 5 pounds total which is just crazy because I've been eating like a pig lately! I guess this means that my metabolism is just cranking away! We got to hear the heartbeat again and her doppler measures the rate and it's a strong 154! She pointed out that if you believe the old wives tale, it's a girl...hmm. The most exciting part about today's appointment was that we scheduled our BIG U/S for August 28!! I cannot wait!! Dr. K is about to pop! She's huge! She is a tiny little person to begin with so there's nowhere for that baby to go except for out in front. This was the last time we'll see her for a couple months, but I'm looking forward to meeting the other two docs.

Speaking of eating like a pig, I think that Stretch must have liked the two chocolate chip cookies I ate at lunch today, because I think I'm really feeling some flutters right now! It's still not consistent because I'll think I feel something and then go several days with nothing, but I'm really thinking that these are kicks!

A Woman with an Obsession

2007-08-12T08:51:00.000-06:00

I am completely obsessed with finding just the "right" stroller and car seat. I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent researching reviews, message boards, etc. - it's crazy! It all started with our first trip to Babies R Us two weeks ago, and hasn't stopped since. I want to make sure that we make the right decision and I'm trying my best to pick out a stroller that we will be happy with using for years down the road, so I'm trying to find one that is good quality, lightweight and preferably folds like an umbrella stroller to take up as little room as possible in my trunk. It also needs a basket that is large enough. Then, Brad has to test them all and if he kicks the wheels then it's out. Who knew this would be such an agonizing decision!

My doctor's appointment is finally tomorrow! Thank goodness I have my doppler because it made this long wait tolerable. Speaking of dopplers, we listened yesterday morning and had such a strong reading that we could actually hear Stretch's heart valves closing shut! So cool! The CD that came with our doppler had an example of this so we recognized it as soon as we heard it. I think the most exciting thing about tomorrow's appointment for me will be scheduling our BIG u/s!! I can't wait!!

Just an update

2007-08-05T15:57:00.000-06:00

I've been neglecting my blog lately, so this will just be a miscellaneous update. Here is my 16 week belly shot! I look like I'm carrying this baby really high, but I'm pretty sure that it's just my "guts" being pushed up and out now that my uterus has moved and is now standing up straight. Strangers are starting to notice my belly now, well they've just started making comments to me anyway. Last week in the elevator, the guy who was in there with me just said congratulations. At first, I couldn't figure out what he was talking about! Then a lady at work who is apparently out of the gossip loop was in the bathroom with me and she just flat out asked me if I was pregnant. She said she figured it was either that or I'd suddently gained a lot of weight! I'm loving looking pregnant!

I'm finally starting to feel better about food which is very nice! I even cooked dinner a few times last week! I know Brad is happy about that. I still can't stand the thought of eating a big hunk of meat like a steak, but I at least can stomach a peice of chicken. I still have my queasy moments, but those are becoming few and far between. I haven't really had too many crazy cravings, mainly just chocolate but that is nothing new for me - now I just succumb to those cravings! I'm also in a constant state of hunger and pretty much have to eat every 2 hours or I'm one unhappy girl. I went from having to force myself to eat to wanting to eat 24/! I still have pretty bad heartburn, but am trying to put off switching to Zantac as long as I can - Tums do the job so far.

I also finally decided to rent a doppler so that we can listen to Stretch any time we want to. I tried to put it off for as long as I could, but I was going crazy waiting for out next appt! Anyway, we've had it about a week and have heard the heartbeat 3 times and we're going to use it tonight - I can't wait! I'm now only going to use it once a week (I was a little obsessed at first). It is really nice having that little reassurance that everything is A-OK in there.

I am not positive, but I might have felt some movement over the last week. It's so hard to tell though. They say that for most first pregnancies, movement isn't felt until 18-20 weeks, so who knows. I can't wait to feel some real kicks so I will know for sure!

So, that's my update - all crammed into one random entry!

Happy (Early) Birthday to Me!

2007-07-19T08:54:00.000-06:00

My birthday is actually tomorrow but I won't be able to post then, so I'm doing it a day early. I'm turning 31 - gasp! I'm officially an old hag and I can prove it with a head full of gray hair which I am incidentally having covered today with a strong dose of dye. I remember back in my innocent days, thinking that 31 was so old to be having your first baby - hah! I was going to be one of the first of my friends to have a baby - hah! Well, that really came back to bite me in the butt! Oh well, one big lesson I've learned through out this is life doesn't always turn out the way you plan, no matter how hard you try. I must say, this birthday is MUCH more pleasant than my last one, considering that I'm pregnant and all :).

In other news, I'm now an aunt of three! My sister gave birth to a little girl, her second child, over the weekend. Everyone is happy and healthy which is a very good thing. We will be making the trip down to meet her in the next couple of weeks!

Feeling incredibly lucky with a healthy dose of guilt

2007-07-18T16:47:00.000-06:00

As I enter the second trimester (YAY!) of this relatively uneventful pregnancy which appears that it very likely will result in a healthy baby, I am feeling so incredibly lucky and grateful to be here. The road to get here was long, painful and hellish at times, but looking back, I wouldn't change it. I'm not going to say that these things happen for a reason because I don't really believe that, but I am grateful for the experiences that I have had. I have met some of the most incredible women through the world wide web who have also dealt with infertility who have been a lifeline of support for me when I had no one in my real life who could relate. I have grown as a person and have realized that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I have learned an ENORMOUS amount about my body and the miracle of conception - I should have an honorary MD in infertility! Brad and I became closer as a couple and we realized that we can endure through the hardest of times. We were able to have so many wonderful experiences that we would never have had if I had gotten pregnant immediately, like travel to Italy, Mexico a few times, the Virgin Islands, the list goes on. We are more prepared financially and mentally than ever for a child. We KNOW how much we want this - how ready we are for this life change of starting a family.

So, why the guilt? Well, I have what you would call survivor's guilt. I feel guilty that I was the "lucky" one who managed to get pregnant on my first IVF try but have left so many behind. My heart breaks for my fellow "soldiers" still fighting the war - especially those who went through their IVF cycles at the same time as us, whose cycles failed or worse yet, ended in miscarriage :(. It is just not fair and it completely sucks!!! I pray for those women in the trenches constantly and I will never forget my pain - their pain.

I recently found this blog written by a woman in South Africa who has been through far more infertility wise than I went through, including the loss of twins at 21+ weeks, multiple miscarriages, and 6 IVFs, but she is now the mother of boy/girl twins! She is also a published author of a book on infertility and has become somewhat of a spokesperson for the "industry". Anyway, she has had this blog for years and reading her entries regarding infertility are like reading my own thoughts, if I was as eloquent as her! I know that most people don't have the time or patience to sit and read all this stuff, but I thought I'd post the link anyway because it really has touched me - I found myself laughing one minute and crying the next.

http://www.tertia.org/so_close/infertility_reflections/index.html

Enjoy!!

More good news...

2007-07-12T07:09:00.000-06:00

I got the blood test results from my NT scan and it was normal - yay!! One less thing to worry about now! My OB appt went very well yesterday too. I have only gained about 2-2.5 pounds which I'm very happy with - yay me! This is right on track with the recommended 3 pounds in the first trimester. I just hope that I can hold it to no more than 30 pounds total because I really don't want to have to lose a ton of baby weight plus the weight that I needed to lose before I got pregnant. We got to hear the heartbeat and she found it fairly quickly which was exciting! Still holding strong at 161 beats per minute! Oh, and Dr. K asked me if the peri made a guess at the gender at my NT and we told her that he guessed girl. So, I asked Dr. K how often he is right and she said that he is almost always right, like 95% of the time - hmmm...I'm still not calling this baby a she!

I think that I'm going to have to break down and start stocking up on maternity clothes now. I'll probably go on a shopping spree this weekend. I have bought a few things, but it's definitely not enough. I'm going to have to buy like three seasons worth of stuff - it's going to start adding up, yikes!

Finally spilling all the beans...

2007-07-10T15:01:00.000-06:00

Well, I think we have officially told everyone our news! I finally broke down and told work yesterday and I'm still enjoying the trickle down effect of the news spreading to the other departments. It's been really fun actually with all the congratulations and hugs that I've been receiving! One of the ladies who I work with who is so sweet and a grandmother herself even started crying and that of course made me cry! Brad has kind of been in charge of telling the world because I've been a big chicken about it, so this was my first time really telling people in person that I'm pregnant, if you can believe that. It's really fun to say by the way! Of course, I'm the 4th girl here at work who has announced their pregnancy in the last year or so, so I'm getting lots of there must be something in the water or it must be contagious comments - I want to say, oh well if that's all it takes, maybe I should ask for a refund for the thousands of dollars that I gave my Dr! I don't say that of course, I just keep my mouth shut and say something like this baby was a long time coming or years in the making. I'm not shy about it. My entire department knew about my miscarriage so they know how long we've been trying, at least since then. I was really nervous about telling my boss because I know how much he relies on me and how afraid he is of losing me. I haven't told him yet that I don't plan to come back, but of course I feel so bad because it's obvious that he already stressed out about me being out for just a few months based on some of the comments that he's made - ack! I haven't figured out when to break that news, but it will definitely be at least a couple months in advance to give them an opportunity to try to find a replacement.

So, I'm officially 13 weeks today!! Yippee!! I'm still feeling about the same and haven't yet experienced the so-called second trimester rejuvenation, but I'm waiting patiently! I don't really think I'm in the second trimester yet, even though some books and websites say that I am. I believe that it begins at 14 weeks because of course 40 divided by 3 is about 13 weeks, not 12. I'm pretty exhausted all the time still and still pretty queasy at night, but it really isn't too bad - it just makes it tough to find things that I like to eat that are also good for me. A new thing for me is that I woke up at 3 AM literally starving to death. My stomach was growling loudly and full force, so I had to get out of bed and eat something. Hmm, I wonder if this will be a recurring thing. Maybe I should start keeping food by the bed!

In other news - I have my first just regular OB appointment tomorrow afternoon and I am guessing that we'll get to listen to the heartbeat and who knows what else. I'm also still waiting on the bloodwork results from our NT scan. I'm not stressed about it, but I would like to just get the results and be done with it. I'll keep y'all posted!

Here are the new pics!

2007-07-05T18:13:00.001-06:00

Here is the profile shot!

This one is the face shot. You can see the skull and facial bones and a big round belly :)!

Breathing a huge sigh of relief!!

2007-07-05T09:36:00.000-06:00

We're back from our NT scan ultrasound and everything looked just great!! The baby is measuring just fine with a good strong heartbeat (160 bpm) and we got to hear it today for the first time! We also saw Stretch's arm waving around in there but otherwise, she/he was just chilling in there (must have been napping like mommy wanted to be!), so the Dr was able to see all kinds of stuff. The NT measurement was 1.1 and we wanted it between 1-3 so you can't get much better than that, and now we wait for blood results to come back to complete to test and that should be in about a week or less. The Dr. actually got a great between the legs shot and took a guess at the gender though he stressed that it's way too early to know for sure but he guessed........Girl!! I'm certainly not going to get my heart set on a girl just yet - we'll have to wait for the big u/s to know for sure and I haven't made that appt yet. I can't wait!! I'll post the u/s pics tonight when we get home.

I'm so excited and feel like I can finally start breathing easier and truly enjoy this time in our lives - woohoo!!!