Feeling incredibly lucky with a healthy dose of guilt

As I enter the second trimester (YAY!) of this relatively uneventful pregnancy which appears that it very likely will result in a healthy baby, I am feeling so incredibly lucky and grateful to be here. The road to get here was long, painful and hellish at times, but looking back, I wouldn't change it. I'm not going to say that these things happen for a reason because I don't really believe that, but I am grateful for the experiences that I have had. I have met some of the most incredible women through the world wide web who have also dealt with infertility who have been a lifeline of support for me when I had no one in my real life who could relate. I have grown as a person and have realized that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I have learned an ENORMOUS amount about my body and the miracle of conception - I should have an honorary MD in infertility! Brad and I became closer as a couple and we realized that we can endure through the hardest of times. We were able to have so many wonderful experiences that we would never have had if I had gotten pregnant immediately, like travel to Italy, Mexico a few times, the Virgin Islands, the list goes on. We are more prepared financially and mentally than ever for a child. We KNOW how much we want this - how ready we are for this life change of starting a family.

So, why the guilt? Well, I have what you would call survivor's guilt. I feel guilty that I was the "lucky" one who managed to get pregnant on my first IVF try but have left so many behind. My heart breaks for my fellow "soldiers" still fighting the war - especially those who went through their IVF cycles at the same time as us, whose cycles failed or worse yet, ended in miscarriage :(. It is just not fair and it completely sucks!!! I pray for those women in the trenches constantly and I will never forget my pain - their pain.

I recently found this blog written by a woman in South Africa who has been through far more infertility wise than I went through, including the loss of twins at 21+ weeks, multiple miscarriages, and 6 IVFs, but she is now the mother of boy/girl twins! She is also a published author of a book on infertility and has become somewhat of a spokesperson for the "industry". Anyway, she has had this blog for years and reading her entries regarding infertility are like reading my own thoughts, if I was as eloquent as her! I know that most people don't have the time or patience to sit and read all this stuff, but I thought I'd post the link anyway because it really has touched me - I found myself laughing one minute and crying the next.

http://www.tertia.org/so_close/infertility_reflections/index.html

Enjoy!!