Trying to relax and enjoy...

But it is so hard!! I'm probably going to get in trouble for this post, but this is basically my journal, so I promised myself that I would be as honest as possible! I'm still just in a constant state of fear - waiting for the other shoe to drop, as they say. I know that this is completely due to my experiences - I think that 3 years of nothing but disappointment and a devastating miscarriage have really damaged me! I think I must have post traumatic stress disorder or something! I just find it so hard to believe that this pregnancy will actually really result in our dream of a real live baby! Most of the time, I just don't allow myself to think that far ahead which is frustrating I know for Brad and probably my family also. I know that everyone expects me to be in a constant state of euphoria and just bouncing on the clouds, but I just don't feel that way, because like I said before, I'm scared of it all crashing down. Now, I have my moments, like during and just after my ultrasounds, when I do allow my mind to go there or when it's just me and Brad and he kisses or rubs my tummy and we talk about Stretch, I know I get a goofy smile on my face and that dreamy look in my eyes and it's those moments that I'm truly ecstatic, I just haven't figured out how to sustain that! I have another u/s coming up on July 5, when I'll be 12weeks2days and I think (I hope!) that once we see a healthy baby bouncing around in there, I'll be able to finally relax and enjoy because we'll be out of that dreaded first trimester. Of course I have additional fears about this u/s, because this is a scan (NT Screening) to see if Stretch is at higher risk of having Down Syndrome or another chromosomal disorder. I'm just hoping and praying that we pass with flying colors!!