Told you so!!

I said I would get in trouble for that last entry, and I was right! I did also get some positive feedback reminding me that I'm normal. Fears during pregnancy are completely normal - most people just don't put it all out there for the world to see.

I went back and re-read what I wrote again, and I think I focused too much on the fear and I didn't really talk much about the positives so I will dedicate this post to those. I had just found out that one of the girls in my April IVF online buddy group had lost her identical twins at 10+ weeks :( so it really brought those fears to the surface.

I don't want anyone to misunderstand me - I am absolutely, completely, 100%, unbelievably grateful to FINALLY be pregnant!! There are so, so many women out there who haven't been as fortunate as me. I love the little pooch that is beginning to develop on my not so flat stomach. If I let it all hang out, I actually kind of look pregnant! I love to do it in front of the mirror, and even sneak a peek at work in the bathroom if nobody is around because they don't know yet :). I've even started to collect a few materity clothes which is exciting for me and a big step, but a necessary one because I can't fit in to several things anymore, woohoo! I LOVE the idea of this tiny little person swimming and kicking around inside me - it's an absolutely incredible feeling and an absolute miracle - I'm in total awe and in complete love!

I don't want people to think that I am completely stressed out either. Yes, I said that I am scared but those are really two different things. What I felt while waiting to take my pregnancy test after IVF, now THAT was some serious stress, but what I feel now is MUCH less severe. I'm a worrier by nature, and I realize that the risk of losing the baby at this stage is extremely minimal, I want to say around 3% after seeing a healthy munchkin at 9 weeks (that is the root of my fears by the way), and I find lots of comfort in that (when I'm thinking rationally which is difficult for the pregnant woman sometimes!), but it still doesn't completely eliminate that worry. I know too much and I've seen it happen far too many times, see above. Now, once we see a HEALTHY Stretch at 12 weeks, that risk will be even less, and that's when I think I'll finally be able to breath a sigh of relief.

What I said about being afraid to think that far ahead is true. I do have a very hard time thinking in trms of WHEN we have the baby. It feels so foreign to me! I do talk about it more lately, but it still kind of freaks me out. I think that the miscarriage has a lot to do with that. When I was pregnant before, even though we didn't tell many people, I was in full blown thinking ahead mode, but we got burned - big time. I think I'm just feeling extra cautious about making those plans yet. It's really hard to explain. I know I'll eventually get past that weirdness, I just need time! I think safely getting out of the first trimester will be a great milestone for me.

I keep feeling that having taken the "long" road, that I'm under more pressure than most to "act" ecsatic all the time about this pregnancy and have that constant pregnancy glow when in reality, I'm so darned tired all the time, and just feel like a giant bump on a log! Hopefully I'll develop that glow in the second trimester because, trust me, I want to be "that girl"!