Told you so!!

I said I would get in trouble for that last entry, and I was right! I did also get some positive feedback reminding me that I'm normal. Fears during pregnancy are completely normal - most people just don't put it all out there for the world to see.

I went back and re-read what I wrote again, and I think I focused too much on the fear and I didn't really talk much about the positives so I will dedicate this post to those. I had just found out that one of the girls in my April IVF online buddy group had lost her identical twins at 10+ weeks :( so it really brought those fears to the surface.

I don't want anyone to misunderstand me - I am absolutely, completely, 100%, unbelievably grateful to FINALLY be pregnant!! There are so, so many women out there who haven't been as fortunate as me. I love the little pooch that is beginning to develop on my not so flat stomach. If I let it all hang out, I actually kind of look pregnant! I love to do it in front of the mirror, and even sneak a peek at work in the bathroom if nobody is around because they don't know yet :). I've even started to collect a few materity clothes which is exciting for me and a big step, but a necessary one because I can't fit in to several things anymore, woohoo! I LOVE the idea of this tiny little person swimming and kicking around inside me - it's an absolutely incredible feeling and an absolute miracle - I'm in total awe and in complete love!

I don't want people to think that I am completely stressed out either. Yes, I said that I am scared but those are really two different things. What I felt while waiting to take my pregnancy test after IVF, now THAT was some serious stress, but what I feel now is MUCH less severe. I'm a worrier by nature, and I realize that the risk of losing the baby at this stage is extremely minimal, I want to say around 3% after seeing a healthy munchkin at 9 weeks (that is the root of my fears by the way), and I find lots of comfort in that (when I'm thinking rationally which is difficult for the pregnant woman sometimes!), but it still doesn't completely eliminate that worry. I know too much and I've seen it happen far too many times, see above. Now, once we see a HEALTHY Stretch at 12 weeks, that risk will be even less, and that's when I think I'll finally be able to breath a sigh of relief.

What I said about being afraid to think that far ahead is true. I do have a very hard time thinking in trms of WHEN we have the baby. It feels so foreign to me! I do talk about it more lately, but it still kind of freaks me out. I think that the miscarriage has a lot to do with that. When I was pregnant before, even though we didn't tell many people, I was in full blown thinking ahead mode, but we got burned - big time. I think I'm just feeling extra cautious about making those plans yet. It's really hard to explain. I know I'll eventually get past that weirdness, I just need time! I think safely getting out of the first trimester will be a great milestone for me.

I keep feeling that having taken the "long" road, that I'm under more pressure than most to "act" ecsatic all the time about this pregnancy and have that constant pregnancy glow when in reality, I'm so darned tired all the time, and just feel like a giant bump on a log! Hopefully I'll develop that glow in the second trimester because, trust me, I want to be "that girl"!

Trying to relax and enjoy...

But it is so hard!! I'm probably going to get in trouble for this post, but this is basically my journal, so I promised myself that I would be as honest as possible! I'm still just in a constant state of fear - waiting for the other shoe to drop, as they say. I know that this is completely due to my experiences - I think that 3 years of nothing but disappointment and a devastating miscarriage have really damaged me! I think I must have post traumatic stress disorder or something! I just find it so hard to believe that this pregnancy will actually really result in our dream of a real live baby! Most of the time, I just don't allow myself to think that far ahead which is frustrating I know for Brad and probably my family also. I know that everyone expects me to be in a constant state of euphoria and just bouncing on the clouds, but I just don't feel that way, because like I said before, I'm scared of it all crashing down. Now, I have my moments, like during and just after my ultrasounds, when I do allow my mind to go there or when it's just me and Brad and he kisses or rubs my tummy and we talk about Stretch, I know I get a goofy smile on my face and that dreamy look in my eyes and it's those moments that I'm truly ecstatic, I just haven't figured out how to sustain that! I have another u/s coming up on July 5, when I'll be 12weeks2days and I think (I hope!) that once we see a healthy baby bouncing around in there, I'll be able to finally relax and enjoy because we'll be out of that dreaded first trimester. Of course I have additional fears about this u/s, because this is a scan (NT Screening) to see if Stretch is at higher risk of having Down Syndrome or another chromosomal disorder. I'm just hoping and praying that we pass with flying colors!!

Introducing Stretch!

Isn't he/she just precious??!! Brad has named the baby Stretch because of the stretches that he/she was doing today. The head is on the left and the rump is on the right. You can kind of sort of make out some limbs, especially the legs that are kind of curled up towards the belly, but it's hard to tell right now. The sac and fluid are really much larger than they appear, but Stretch is kind of hiding in the corner so at this angle, it looks like he takes up the whole thing! We are over the moon excited!!

Ultrasound results!!

Everything looks just perfect! The baby is measuring 9weeks2days which is right on with a heart rate of 159 which she said is perfectly normal! It's amazing how much bigger the munchkin has gotten - he or she is a whole inch long now :)! It was so cool, we were sitting there watching and all of a sudden the baby started stretching and just moving and grooving in there - I can't wait to feel those movements! We got a great picture that I will post tonight when I get home. Our next ultrasound will be at 12 weeks so right around July 4 for the NT test, which is a special ultrasound to look for markers of chromosomal abnormalities like Down's by measuring the fluid on the back of the neck. I guess there's always something to worry about! We can't wait to see our little baby again!

Nothing to report

Well, I had my first OB appointment today and unfortunately, I did not get an u/s today even though I was totally prepared for one! Oh well. Today, we just met with Dr. K and she went over all the do's and don'ts and took a ton of blood. I go back Friday at 11:30 for the sono so I'm looking forward to that - I hope time passes quickly!!

I'm back!!

It's been a while!! So, we had a wonderful vacation and 7th anniversary celebration (holy cow!) and now we're trying to get back into the swing of things which is tough for the pregnant girl :)! We loved Puerto Rico and St. Thomas, but our absolute favorite was St. John, and now we are anxious to go back there to spend our entire vacation (we were only there for the day). The pic is of us overlooking Trunk Bay in St. John, one of the most beautiful beaches (well probably THE most beautiful beach) we've ever seen.

As far as the pregnancy goes, I'm feeling ok, still really tired and I'm having some episodes of queasiness, normally at night (I'm feeling yucky as we speak), and lots of food aversions which is very unusual for me, ha ha! It's so strange having foods that I normally love sounding horrible to me right now. My main aversions, at least today, are meat and vegetables, blech! I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner tonight - I guess Brad may be out of luck in the cooking department for a little while! I also have my first OB appt tomorrow afternoon! I'm excited but still feeling nervous, which I guess will never completely go away. We're very much looking forward to seeing the bambino again and hope and pray that he/she looks perfect :)!! Oh, by the way, I'm 9 weeks today! Time is already passing so quickly. Of course, the week vacation really helped in that department. It was really nice having a break from Dr. Google and all the message boards - I'm a bit obsessed!

I'm still trying to adjust to life without my sweet Dexter. It is going to take some getting used to. You don't realize how much you will miss the little things, like greeting him as soon as I walk in the door with a hi sweetpea! or leaving the shower door open in the morning so he can lick the water up, or seeing him laying in the bathroom doorway every morning while I get ready for work. I think we will eventually get another pet, probably another kitty. I'm not quite ready just yet, but I can't imagine being petless for too much of an extended time.

Dusting off those old pregnancy books...

In my previous pregnancy, I read them all - I inhaled them practically the second I found out, I was so excited to be pregnant and I wanted to learn as much as possible! This time around, it hasn't been quite like that. First, I know a heck of a lot more about pregnancy after reading them once, but second, I was afraid to get them out. They've been collecting dust in a cabinet now for 2 years and I didn't want to start reading again for nothing. Now that I've seen that beautiful heartbeat though, I'm comfortable enough to make the move, so I've slowly started re-reading them. It was especially strange getting my day by day journal out and taking out the sticky notes from last time (because I was too afraid to actually write in the book). I didn't read them, just pulled them out and threw them away. Like I said, I'm feeling much more comfortable, though I'm not going to be completely confident until that second ultrasound, which is scheduled by the way for June 13 with my OB! I can't wait to see the little munchkin again! Hopefully we'll be able to hear the heartbeat too!

I'll be away for a week because we are leaving for our vacation today at 3:30. I can't wait!! We will be spending 3 nights in Puerto Rico and 5 nights in St. Thomas. This is a very much needed vacation for both of us after a very stressful IVF cycle, wild emotional rollercoaster of a week, and Brad's working his butt off for the past 5 months. I feel so fortunate that we are able to travel like we do. The main reason is because Brad travels so much for work, so he earns plenty of points and airline miles - in fact, this trip is 100% on miles and points! We certainly take advantage of it!

Have a fantastic week!