Nauseous

That is the best way to describe how I feel at this moment. By tomorrow, I may be full fledged throwing up! Oh and before you start getting excited, I can assure you that this is 100% nerves and panic and not pregnancy related. So, my beta (blood pregnancy test) is scheduled for tomorrow morning at Dr. D's office. I will get the results sometime tomorrow afternoon/evening and I have no idea how I am going to survive that wait. I may or may not take a home test before the beta, but I won't update here until I get the "official" blood test result.

So, how am I feeling? I was feeling pretty positive, but suddenly, I'm not. This really began Fri/Sat when it seemed that I lost some symptoms, namely my boobs aren't nearly as sore as they were. I'm sure I look like a freak, constantly feeling myself up. Sometimes I forget that I'm in public, oops! Psycho IVF woman alert!! For what it's worth, in my previous pregnancy, they hurt so badly at the beginning that just hitting tiny potholes in the road while driving was painful, now that did eventually lessen up, probably at about 5-6 weeks which I've "heard" is caused by our bodies getting used the progesterone (this is what causes the pain). I did have some cramping yesterday which may or may not be a good sign. I've been obsessing over message board posts listing people's so called pregnancy symptoms and one thing I have learned is that everyone and every pregnancy is completely different.

I have already started thinking about the next cycle which is terrible I know. Brad refuses to talk about it. I've tried to bring it up several times and he immediately cuts me off. He has the luxury of being able to forget about it. I'm the one enduring the daily injections, analyzing every little twinge, cramp, or whatever in my body, so I number one, simply cannot keep my mind off it and number two, because I'm a planner type, I am always looking ahead to the next step, which would obviously be another round of IVF, though that would likely not take place until late July or August. You typically can't do back to back IVF cycles. Ok, I'm depressing myself, so I'll stop babbling about what's next.

I do know one thing. I am so ready to move on with my life. Trying to conceive has consumed my life for the past nearly 3 years and I feel as if we're "stuck", just running on a wheel like hamsters. Nothing ever changes except that the treatments and stress become more intense. When I say that it has consumed me, that is not a exhaggeration. I think about it constantly and if it's not at the front of my mind, it is in the back, and with triggers EVERYWHERE it's quickly brought back to the front. It's almost impossible to imagine that someday, maybe it won't be that way anymore. What a relief that would be.