RIP

It's over. My precious kitty has gone to a better place. It's been a rough couple days, but I'm also relieved that it is over. I ended up leaving work early because I was such a wreck and I wanted to spend as much time as possible with him before the appointment at 6:30. When I got home, he was even worse than he had been that morning. I believe that his kidneys were probably completely shutting down. He could hardly stand yesterday, it was just horrible. I am so glad that we decided to do it yesterday because he was suffering so badly. I cuddled with him and gave him plenty of hugs and kisses and said my goodbyes. I called my wonderful pet sitter who had been with him this weekend and she started crying but reassured me that we were doing the right thing based on her seeing how bad he had gotten. The vet told Brad that he was definitely doing the right thing too. Brad stayed the whole time and said that he just fell asleep instantly. I know that he's better off now, but it sure was hard to say goodbye.

Here is our baby!

Wow, my third post of the day!! Here is the pic!! The baby is that blobby looking spot up at the top of the sac, between the two plus signs. Isn't he/she beautiful :)?!

We have...

One healthy baby with a strong heartbeat!!! We are absolutely thrilled!!! The baby is measuring 6weeks6days and I'm 7 weeks today so that is perfect and the heartrate is 126 which is also great! It was the most amazing sight seeing that little heart beating away. I have a picture of our baby and I'll post it when I get home tonight - it's the most beautiful little baby I've ever seen :)! Now we have to wonder which one took, A or B? We have also officially been released from Dr. Douglas, so I have to become a normal pregnant woman which feels very strange - I'm not normal!! Not to the mention the fact that I've become very attached to that office over the last year and a half. Unfortunately, they aren't in the business of taking care of pregnant women. I will call my OB this afternoon to set up my first prenatal appt with them, which seems so crazy! Is this really happening to us?

It's a bittersweet moment considering what is happening with Dexter. There is a chance that we may have to do it today. Brad is going to call them today and see when he can bring him in and it may need to be today because he may have to travel a couple days this week - I just can't handle it myself. I also wanted to thank everyone for sending me such sweet messages about him.

We aren't quite ready to start spreading the news, but I'll let you know in a few weeks. I think I want to have one more sonogram under our belts. Thanks everyone for all the prayers and well wishes that you have sent our way!! We can't tell you enough how much we appreciate them!!

Today is the day

Today is the big ultrasound day and I'll be quite honest with you - I'm freaking out. I need this to go perfectly! I had a dream last night that we saw 2 beautiful heartbeats, and it was just amazing and wonderful - I hope that dream was a premonition of what's to come! Of course, I really believe that there is just one baby in there based on my lower than average betas, not that I am disappointed at all with one baby! Multiples almost always have sky high numbers. Anyway, back to the dream, I never had those kind of dreams in my previous pregnancy so hopefully it is a good sign :). I still feel fine - no nauseau or anything, just really tired and hungry all the time. I'll update as soon as I can!

In other news, I'm incredibly sad to say that we think it is time to put my sweet Dexter to sleep. He was diagnosed with chronic renal (kidney) failure about 3 years ago and at that time, we were told that he would probably only live 6 months to a year, but he definitely beat the odds, until recently. He has gone downhill very rapidly and even with the treatments that we are giving him, he has become almost skin and bones and is so weak that he can no longer jump - even a foot or so jump is difficult for him and he has fallen many times trying to jump on things and I think he's hurt himself because he is limping now. He is in very bad shape and I know he is suffering and it would be selfish to keep him like this. We were out of town this weekend, and even after a couple days away, I could see that he had gotten even worse. We are leaving for a vacation to Puerto Rico and St. Thomas for a week on Friday and I was planning to board him, but I don't think I can bear to force him to spend what could be his last days in a cage at the vet. This morning, Brad and I talked about it and I just burst into tears because I haven't wanted to face it, but I know that I have to. This is my sweet baby who I've had for 11 years and I will miss him desperately, though I already miss him - he's just not the same Dexter anymore. I'm not sure when I will do this, but it would be too much today - it will have to be this week though.

What a depressing post! I hope and pray that I have good news to share this afternoon!

6 weeks down...

Only 34 more to go! This is positive thinking, see??!! I'm officially 6 weeks pregnant today and here is what is to come as I enter the 7th week of pregnancy...

Your baby is 0.16 to 0.2 inches long (4-5mm) when measured from crown to rump. It is now identifiable as a human baby.

The limb buds are growing rapidly, developing into little fins with nodules at the ends which will eventually become fingers and toes. The arms have already differentiated into hand and shoulder segments.

The cerebral hemispheres of the brain are growing, and the eyes and nostrils are appearing. Your baby's heart bulges from its body and the heart chambers are divided and formed. Blood vessels now circulate blood throughout the whole body. The head looks large and is bent on the chest.

Your baby's face is forming, but its eyes are on the sides of its head and are still sealed. The discs that will become your baby's eyes will move over to the front of the face over the course of the next few months.

Bone cells are beginning to develop and the outline of the baby's nervous system is complete. The pigment in your baby's eyes can be seen under the skin overlaying them. By this point there is also a pancreas and an appendix. The tail is still visible, but it will soon fade. The umbilical cord is growing and the placenta is maturing as well.

So amazing!!

So, I officially decided to delay my u/s to Tuesday the 29th. It's just better that way, and even though I'm somewhere between being super excited and dreading that day, I feel a sense of relief. I think part of me would want to put this off forever if I could! It's that self protection thing. Wish us luck!! Only one week to go - ahhh!!!

The agonizing wait...

Ok, this wait (the wait for the first sonogram) is just as bad, probably worse actually than the wait to find out if I was pregnant! I'm going nuts! I'm also scared out of my mind. I wish that I could just be innocent and Pollyanna about it and just assume that everything is going to be just perfect, but sadly, that innocence has been stolen from me :(. The floodgates are officially open and the memories of what happened to me last time are rushing back - ack!! I'm trying so hard to only have positive thoughts but man that is hard!! It would help if I actually felt pregnant. Really the only symptoms that I have are extreme exhaustion (I remember that from last time), and peeing every 5 seconds (I normally pee every 10 seconds).

So, after complaining about the long wait, I'll say that I'm actually seriously considering extending it - Ironic, huh? Here's the deal. My sono is currently scheduled for this coming Friday, the 25th, when I'll be 6weeks3days. I realize that most people do see the fetal heartbeat by that day, but I also know that there are several out there who don't. I'm pretty sure that even though everyone has warned me that it may be too early, and not to worry if we don't see the HB, that I would completely freak out and be outrageously stressed out about it waiting for another sono. So, which is worse, running the risk of a total freak out or just trying to grow some patience and wait it out for 3-4 extra days, when I'll be 7 weeks and the chance of seeing a HB is practically a given? I just wish I had a crystal ball!! Oh well, I have all weekend to stew in it.

3rd beta is in!

It was 404 today. It still isn't doubling every 48 hours which is the ideal scenario, but it is increasing at the same steady rate of every 59 hours or 75% increase every 48 hours. My RE says that it is fine. I'm not jumping for joy because it wasn't quite the spectacular rise that I was hoping for to make me feel completely relaxed and comfortable, but I'm not completely stressed out either. When I talked to the nurse, I didn't have access to a calculator to calculate my doubling time, so I was quizzing her about how good it REALLY was. Anyway, she assured me that it was a nice steady rate and that it looks good, so no more bloodwork is needed and she scheduled my first sonogram for Tues, May 29. About 2 minutes after hanging up, she called me back and said that she could sense that I was feeling pretty nervous so they moved my sono up to Fri the 25th! Yay! This is my favorite nurse by the way :). I'll be 6weeks3days on the 25th and she warned me that it may be too early to see the heartbeat but I know from years of message board experience that most women are able to see the heartbeat by then. So, now we have a long wait ahead of us! This one will be the longest of all, I'm sure! Wish us luck!

It's like deja vu all over again...

Yes, I realize that it a redundant statement. I'm sorry for not updating earlier. I got my beta result late today, at 2:30 and then I had to obsessively surf the internet to research. So, my beta from this morning was 131. In an absolutely ideal scenario, the number would have doubled exactly, but alas, I'm not ideal in this area, never have been! This works out to a doubling rate of 61 hours. An acceptable doubling rate is 48-72 hours so I'm well in the range, but it just didn't knock anyone's socks off. Because it wasn't a spectacular increase, I have to go back Monday morning for another test. I hope and pray that it takes off! The nurse assured me that this wasn't bad, but they're just not ready to stop testing me yet. She did say that Dr. D is taking me off the shots (yay!) and putting me on vaginal progesterone suppositories (boo!) and she assured me that he would not have done that if he was concerned so that makes me feel better.

The reason that I made the deja vu comment is that in my previous pregnancy, my numbers were slow to rise so the beta limbo is very familiar to me. Last time, it was 35 and then only rose to 56 which was a much worse doubling rate of 75 hours. I have no idea why my OB didn't test me again that time, but I do know that my beta levels eventually reached at least 84,000 (the day of the first ultrasound) so obviously they took off at some point. Maybe I'm just a slow starter. I just hope this pregnancy has a much more positive result!! We're already off to a much better start, so I'm feeling good and not freaking out. We're cautiously ecstatic!

Beta is in!

Well, my beta was 76. I'm a little worried that it is low, but the nurse said that it was good number. For my previous pregnancy, it was only 35 on this day (14 days past ovulation/4 weeks), so this is a huge improvement! I think I'm just a late implanter/slow riser. There is a website called betabase, where women can post their beta levels at various days past ovulation that resulted in successful pregnancies and the median for this day for a singleton pregnancy is about 110, so someone has to be below the median, I guess. I'm praying for a nice and high doubling number on Thursday!

Somebody pinch me!!!

I can't believe that I'm typing these words, but I am pregnant!!! Here's one of the three tests that I took last night :). I was so sad yesterday, absolutely convinced that it had not worked and today, you can't wipe the smile off my face!!! I had decided to go ahead and test before my beta, but I decided to do it at night because I just knew that it would be bad news and I could get all the crying out then rather than in the morning before work. So, Brad wanted me to wait until he got home to do it and he got home around 6:30 and as soon as he walked in, I burst into tears. I was shaking like a leaf. So, I peed in my trusty cup, and Brad did the dipping duties with the first one (the one in the pic), and then he covered up the results window with his thumb and we went to sit on the couch to wait. At this point, I started crying again - the stress was about to kill me! After a couple minutes, he moved his thumb and there was the most beautiful sight in the world - 2 pink lines!!! So, because we can't trust just one test, we had to do the EPT and then we did a digital test and all were beautiful dark positives!!! Then came the water works again! We called our families last night and everyone was so excited.

I went in for my beta this morning and the nurse asked if I'd cheated and tested earlier and I said yes, and that it was positive, woohoo! She congratulated me, then stuck me, ha ha. They already have my results and I'm so bummed because I missed her call. She called earlier than she told me she would and I was at lunch and didn't hear my phone ring. She said in the voicemail that it was of course positive and that everything looked great but I didn't get my number which is a must for me so that I can start obsessing! Now they're closed for lunch so I have to wait until after 1:30. I'll update with the number as soon as I get it. I have to go back on Thurs morning for a repeat beta to make sure that the numbers are rising appropriately - they should double about every 48-72 hours. If that looks good then we'll probably stop bloodwork and I'll be scheduled for our first ultrasound at about 6 1/2 weeks. By the way, I'm exactly 4 weeks today!

I feel incredibly blessed that this worked for us on the first try. Thank you again for your support and prayers!! I hope and pray that this is our sticky baby (or babies)!! I have a really good feeling about it. I just feel that this is our time :).

Oh and I have one request. We are not ready to share this news with the world yet and ask that you not spread it around. I've sent this out to very specific people who we would probably tell early anyway. As much as I'd love to shout it from the rooftops, I'm not comfortable with that, especially at this super early date. Thanks!

Nauseous

That is the best way to describe how I feel at this moment. By tomorrow, I may be full fledged throwing up! Oh and before you start getting excited, I can assure you that this is 100% nerves and panic and not pregnancy related. So, my beta (blood pregnancy test) is scheduled for tomorrow morning at Dr. D's office. I will get the results sometime tomorrow afternoon/evening and I have no idea how I am going to survive that wait. I may or may not take a home test before the beta, but I won't update here until I get the "official" blood test result.

So, how am I feeling? I was feeling pretty positive, but suddenly, I'm not. This really began Fri/Sat when it seemed that I lost some symptoms, namely my boobs aren't nearly as sore as they were. I'm sure I look like a freak, constantly feeling myself up. Sometimes I forget that I'm in public, oops! Psycho IVF woman alert!! For what it's worth, in my previous pregnancy, they hurt so badly at the beginning that just hitting tiny potholes in the road while driving was painful, now that did eventually lessen up, probably at about 5-6 weeks which I've "heard" is caused by our bodies getting used the progesterone (this is what causes the pain). I did have some cramping yesterday which may or may not be a good sign. I've been obsessing over message board posts listing people's so called pregnancy symptoms and one thing I have learned is that everyone and every pregnancy is completely different.

I have already started thinking about the next cycle which is terrible I know. Brad refuses to talk about it. I've tried to bring it up several times and he immediately cuts me off. He has the luxury of being able to forget about it. I'm the one enduring the daily injections, analyzing every little twinge, cramp, or whatever in my body, so I number one, simply cannot keep my mind off it and number two, because I'm a planner type, I am always looking ahead to the next step, which would obviously be another round of IVF, though that would likely not take place until late July or August. You typically can't do back to back IVF cycles. Ok, I'm depressing myself, so I'll stop babbling about what's next.

I do know one thing. I am so ready to move on with my life. Trying to conceive has consumed my life for the past nearly 3 years and I feel as if we're "stuck", just running on a wheel like hamsters. Nothing ever changes except that the treatments and stress become more intense. When I say that it has consumed me, that is not a exhaggeration. I think about it constantly and if it's not at the front of my mind, it is in the back, and with triggers EVERYWHERE it's quickly brought back to the front. It's almost impossible to imagine that someday, maybe it won't be that way anymore. What a relief that would be.

Seriously??

You seriously expect me to survive the next week of waiting??? How is that even possible??!!! I was feeling so calm and collected until yesterday and all of a sudden I feel like I'm losing my mind. I knew this would be stressful, but I didn't really know until now. I'm hovering in the delicate state of somewhere between bursting into tears, ripping someone's head off (i.e. the cable company for being such a pain in the a$$ to deal with), or ramming my car into the guy who cut me off this morning. Thank goodness for acu tomorrow. I hope it helps me because I desperately need it!

Oh, and we got the news that we had no embryos to freeze. I was expecting to hear that. I just hope and pray that A&B are thriving in there!

Introducing A&B!

Yes, it's not the most creative name we could have come up with, but it's what we've started calling them. I guess we could start calling them Lucy and Ethel, or Laverne and Shirley or Bert and Ernie or something, but A&B just sounds right. Aren't they beautiful? I just love them! I have the picture hung on the refrigerator so I can look at them everytime I walk by. The one on the right is our "perfect" one - you can see how clean it is. The one on the left is our "good" one and this one has a small amount of fragmentation which is that debris looking stuff that you can sort of see. Fragmentation is not necessarily a bad thing but it just makes this one less than perfect. They are each perfectly 8 cells which is exactly where they should be on day 3 after fertilization.

I am anxiously waiting on a status update on the fate of our remaining embies. We had a couple that were actually still growing as of yesterday, though slowly. They are supposed to call me this morning to let me know if we can freeze any. I'm not really holding my breath, but it sure would be nice!

So far the progesterone shots are going very well and are MUCH easier than I expected them to be! My mom gave me the shots the whole time that she was here, but she's heading home this morning so we're on our own now! Brad is out of town on Wed and Thurs night so I'm going to be doing it to myself the. I'm not nearly as intimidated about jabbing myself with a 3 inch needle as I was before because I've found that when I ice the area really well, I seriously feel nothing - pretty exciting! I haven't really been sore at all either which is a plus. I just wish the waiting part was as easy as these shots!!