Empty Arms

This a beautifully done video that I wanted to share. It makes me cry everytime I see it but I really love it.

http://www.vocalicious.com/empty_arms/empty_arms_mod2.html

The rest of the story

That lovely instrument in the photo above is the cathedar that is used for IUI (intra-uterine insemination). I'll explain more about IUI later. I had acupuncture today so I'm feeling very zen and relaxed as I write this - of course the glass of wine that I'm sipping can't hurt either!

Ok, so here's what happened after the miscarriage. It took about 50 days for AF to show after my D&C. This takes a long time because all the HCG had to leave my system and mine was fairly high. We weren't able to "try" that cycle. I went for my annual exam at the beginning of my next cycle and my OB said that I was clear to try again. We both agreed that I should try for a couple cycles without medication because the pregnancy might have "reset" my body. Those first two cycles were both kinda long - 35 days so I asked for Clomid again. We did one round which failed and then I took a break just because. Sometime during this cycle (this is January) I realized that I was sick of messing around and wanted to move onto a RE (Reproductive Endocronologist), aka fertility specialist. I picked an RE who is supposed to be one of the best in the nation.

At our first meeting with the RE, he encouraged me to do a cycle of Clomid that would be fully monitored, to see how my follicles are growing, how thick my lining is and we would "trigger" when my follicles are measuring a mature size, which means I get a shot to make me ovulate all the mature follicles. I had several visits with Steve, the sonographer, and the "probe" that cycle (well on our way to becoming oh so close friends), and I had 3 mature follicles - how exciting! Here's a picture of what an ovary looks like with lots of follicles. This one looks like it has about 4 mature follies. We had to do a post-coital test that cycle to see if IUI is necessary, which basically is a test to see if my body and Brad's sperm are compatible or not - well they are, we passed with flying colors and I even got to look at the spermies under the microscope which was really cool! They deterimined that because our PC test was so good that we didn't need IUI. That cycle failed, of course. So, onto another round of Clomid. This time, I decided I wanted to maximize our chances and try IUI. I had 4 mature follies - woo hoo! Basically what this means is I bring the "sample" in a cup that I have to hold in my shirt on the drive there to keep it body temp and deliver it to the nurse for washing first thing in the morning. Washing basically eliminates any dud sperm and we're left with only the best. We go back a couple hours later for IUI which involves sticking that lovely cathedar pictured above through my cervix and inserting the sperm directly into my uterus - all for the bargain price of $400! The sperm sample was GREAT! The nurse was all excited and said that we would "for sure" get pregnant this time. I was a bit worried about the 4 follies thing and multiples, but all convinced me not to worry. Obviously I had nothing to be worried about. We found out that the cycle failed while on our Carribean cruise in April, sigh.

So, at my baseline ultrasound after that failed cycle, I had a cyst on my ovary - dang it!! That means that you can't start medication because the cyst would suck up all the meds and only grow larger. A cyst is normally a follicle that didn't ovulate and for some reason just continues to hang around. While waiting around, I decided to give acupuncture a try. I had read so many great things about it helping with infertility and I figured even if it doesn't make me pregnant, if it helps me relax, then I'm on board! I LOVED acupuncture from the beginning. It is so relaxing and the needles don't hurt at all. She did give me this NASTY herbal tea to drink every day which I really didn't enjoy at the beginning but now kind of enjoy. If I add a crap load of honey to it. I stuck with weekly acu appts for several months but eventually gave it up when the Dr's appts became much more numerous making it difficult to squeeze in acu as well. The next cycle, we had a trip planned to San Francisco and the wine country so we had to sit out from meds again because I couldn't have made my probe appointments. Again neither of these "natural" cycles worked. When AF arrived I decided that I was ready to move on to injectibles. This involves giving myself shots in the belly everyday, almost daily visits with the probe, trigger shot when I'm "ripe" and normally IUI. The success rate is higher than with Clomid. I went for my baseline u/s and ARGH!! I had made a freaking cyst on my own. I was tired of waiting so I asked for the BCP (the pill) to make my cycle go by quicker.

My first inject cycle started out fine. Oh yeah, I asked for another HSG because I was curious if maybe the D&C had caused scar tissue to grow and maybe block my tubes. I had that at the beginning of the cycle and it was a completely different experience than the first one. First, the radiologist couldn't get the cathedar in, and that process took about 15 min which was not very enjoyable. Then the dye hurt so excruciatingly bad that I almost passed out on the table. Everything still looked fine so I was hopeful. The shots weren't too bad at all because the needles are really tiny and I was shocked to find out that our insurance covers injectible meds!! That is huge because they are actual hormones and normally cost several hundred dollars. I went for my first u/s to check my progress and my ovaries were going crazy - I had like 8 potential mature follicles, so I freaked out and they reduced my dose. Well, apparently we reduced the dose too much because everything came to a screeching halt and I wound up with only one measley follicle. We decided that it wasn't worth spending $400 on IUI for that which turned out to be a good decision because my wonderful hubby surprised me with a huge surprise party for my 30th birthday that weekend!!! I was really down about turning 30 and not only not having my baby but also not even being pregnant, so I repeatedly told him that I did not want a big deal made about it, but I must say, I so appreciate all that he went through. Our entire family was there and about 20 of our friends!! Anyway, the IUI would have fallen on that Sunday morning (yes RE offices are open 7 days a week) which would not have been very convenient with the whole fam there. Well, we tried the "old fashioned" way and of course it didn't work.

Next cycle - no cysts so off we go with more shots. This cycle was much better, but again, we were in danger of overstimming so we triggered early so only 2 follicles would ovulate. We did IUI this time, the sample was great but nada. So, my RE recommended that we do a lap (laparascopic surgery) and hysteroscopy to take a look at my insides to see if I have endometriosis or tubal issues, and he also took a look inside my uterus to see if there was anything unusual in there. I scheduled that surgery for Friday, Sept 22, and had to go on the BCP until then. My mom came for the surgery which was very nice! It was comforting to have her here with me. Anyway, he found a tiny bit of endo which he removed, found that my tubes are coiled like a telephone cord which he said wasn't great but wasn't horrible and I had a small polyp in my uterus which he removed. Things were overall not too bad and we were given the green light to start trying again as soon as AF arrived. I did get pictures of my insides which is kinda cool! The surgery wasn't too bad at all. I have 2 tiny incisions, one in my belly button and one very low on my abdomen. It was just outpatient surgery and I didn't even tell my boss about it. I would have gone back to work on that Monday but I wound up getting sick.

AF arrived on Oct 2, and I started the injects. This time I responded too well again and had 8 potential mature follies even when backing down on the dose and so my Dr recommended that we cancel the cycle all together - don't trigger don't do anything :(. Well, I never ovulated on my own and I bled in about a week, and of course had ovaries full of cysts. It's onto yet ANOTHER round of BCP. It's so ironic to take BCP when you are desperately trying to get pregnant...

When I calculated when AF would arrive, I figured out that Thanksgiving and Christmas would interfere with any probe appts so I decided that we should just take a break over the holidays for my sanity. I did try an herbal remedy called Fertility Blend which really did help me ovulate earlier but neither cycle worked. Time to go back to the RE. We began our final inject/IUI cycle on Jan 17. I had 3 mature follicles - yay!! IUI appeared to be great and we had so much hope for the cycle!! We knew that we were going to move onto IVF if this didn't work based on the recommendation of both my Dr and his partner, so there was a lot of pressure.

Well, it didn't work :(. So, it's onto IVF. I went in for my baseline u/s and found that I had 3 huge cysts (yet again) so I am currently in the midst of a round of BCP. I also started back up with acupuncture to help with stress relief and to maximize our chances of success. When AF arrives, I will go back to see if the cysts are gone and if they are, then I start ANOTHER round of BCP for suppression of my ovaries, I will be giving myself Lupron shots for 2 weeks to further suppress my ovaries, and then I will start stimming which involves more shots. We are hoping that my egg retrieval will be mid to late April. My RE has a 67% pregancy rate per embryo transfer for women under 35. That's pretty high when compared to the national average but that is not take home baby rate as there is just as much, if not more, chance of m/c with IVF as with a "natural" pregancy. That's all for now - I will explain the actual IVF process on another day...

Being a Good Friend to Someone Struggling with Infertility

I found this article on the Resolve (infertility association) website and realized that I almost could have written this myself. I'm very fortunate that most friends and family are very sensitive to my situation, but I also know that many are at a loss for what to say and how to "handle" me. Maybe this will help...

Infertility Etiquette
By Vita Alligood

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.

Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.

As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.

A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:

They will eventually conceive a baby.
They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.

Don't Tell Them to Relax

Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.

Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.

These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.

Don't Minimize the Problem

Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.

Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.

Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen

Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?

Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.

People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.

Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents

One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.

Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF

In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"

There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.

IVF is Expensive with Low Odds

One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.

IVF is Physically Taxing

Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.

IVF Raises Ethical Issues

If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.

Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF

On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.

A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.

Don't Play Doctor

Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:

Blocked fallopian tubes
Cysts
Endometriosis
Low hormone levels
Low "normal form" sperm count
Low progesterone level
Low sperm count
Low sperm motility
Thin uterine walls

Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an "expert" on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.

You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.

Don't Be Crude

It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.

Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy

This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.

The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.

Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."

I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.

Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant

For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.

Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.

Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.

Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition

Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.

Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.

Don't Push Adoption (Yet)

Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.

You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.

Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.

So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.

Let Them Know That You Care

The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.

Remember Them on Mother's Day

With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.

Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.

Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments

No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.

Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

You're probably asking yourself, why would she post a picture of the NBC Studios sign on the pregnancy story post? Because I was pregnant when I snapped that pic, that's why!

Ok, so the pregnancy cycle started on May 30, 2005 and we were in Colorado celebrating our 5th anniversary. Because we were on vacation, I wasn't able to start Clomid again, so we were forced to take a medication break, but when I called my Dr office from the mountains of Beaver Creek :), to let her know that AF had arrived, we decided to schedule an HSG, which stands for hystero-something or other-gram. This test is done by a radiologist, where you lie on a table underneath an X-Ray machine and they shoot dye into your uterus and watch on the screen to make sure that your uterus is shaped normally and to see if the dye flows freely through your tubes, making sure that they are clear, it's about as fun as it sounds. Everything looked fine, the procedure wasn't terrible and because the tubes are flushed fertility can sometimes be improved. This was performed on day 10 or something of my cycle. As I said in my previous post, I actually ovulated all by myself on day 15!! This was GREAT news because Brad was out of town for the entire week after that. Yet again, timing was perfect.

So, the time came to test, and we were in Corpus Christi for a friend's wedding (are you seeing the pattern yet?). Before leaving for that trip, everything had been exactly like every other cycle before and I was SURE that I was not pregnant. When Brad picked me up from the airport that afternoon, on our way out to Port A, I felt some wierd twinges in the uterus area and I even made a comment to Brad that it felt like something was going on down there, but I quickly blew it off. Saturday morning came and I woke up to bright red spotting. That is very typical for me when a cycle is over, so I of course figured, oh well, yet another failed cycle and we went to the wedding. That evening, we went to a party at a friend's house and I had several glasses of wine, because I was so sure that I was not pregnant. Sunday morning was the day that I had actually been planning to test. I woke up, and Brad was like, just take a test. Even though I didn't want to, I said, fine, here I go wasting a test. So, I peed on it and set it down and didn't pay any attention to it for a few min. I finally looked at it and thought that I saw the slightest hint of a second pink line. I called Brad over and he could see it too. It was incredibly faint. I actually took a picture of it and you could see it on the camera too. We were not getting excited yet and were not convinced yet, so even though we were staying with my in-laws, we didn't say a word. As soon as we got home to Dallas though, we stopped at Walgreens and I bought about 4 different brands of HPT! I took several that night and all had faint lines - we were starting to believe!! The next morning, I took a digital test and immediately the most beautiful word in the world appeared - "Pregnant"!!! We finally truly celebrated that morning, we were absolutely ecstatic!!! So, that morning, I called my Dr office and they asked me to come in for a beta which is a blood test to measure the level of HCG (pregnancy hormone) in your system. The next day, the nurse called with the result and asked, so when did you ovulate? I told her and she said, hmmm, it's kind of low for where you are. I asked what was it, and she said 35. I of course was freaking out completely. She said to come in the next to day to see if my numbers were doubling appropriately (they should double about every 48-72 hours). So, my next test came back at 56. Not really doubling but my Dr said that it's fine. I felt a little better about it, but I was still pretty scared.

My in-laws were visiting Brad's sister so we were able to announce it to everyone at once. They were so excited for us and it made us feel even more excited. We had already planned a trip to NYC with my parents for the long July 4 weekend, so we decided to wait and announce it to them in person. We were giving my dad a belated Father's Day present so I went out a bought a bib that said, I love my Grandpa and gave it to him. He didn't get it at all at first, so we had to explain, ha ha. My family was so thrilled for us too! We warned everyone that my numbers were kind of low and I wasn't sure if everything was going to work out well. Anyway, our trip was fantastic, so much fun, and we all decided that I was going to have a girl since my sister was pregnant with a boy. I had already picked out my girl name, Rebecca Michele, so we immediately began referring to the baby as Becca. My parents bought Becca a little onesie that said I heart NY and a teddy bear from FAO Schwartz. I had calculated the due date and it was March 6, a great time to have a baby! It was feeling real!!

We got home and everything seemed to be going great with the pregnancy! I felt fine, other than being really tired in the evenings. I still had this nagging feeling that I attributed to nervousness because my sister-in-law had just recently suffered a miscarriage, so I kept worrying that it would happen to me too, but we talked and using very flawed logic decided that the chances would be pretty slim that we would both have miscarriage so close to each other. So, I was in this wierd limbo place, where I started going to baby stores looking at baby furniture and bedding, I would stand in the room that was to be the nursery and imagine where were would put everything, I signed up for weekly baby e-mails, but yet, I refused to actually write anything inside my pregnancy journal - I just used sticky notes. I came to regret signing up for those e-mails because around the due date, I started getting all kinds of reminders in the mail, like diaper and formula samples, congratulations gift cards, etc. It really sucked and it all went straight in the trash.

So, my first OB appt was not scheduled until I was 9 weeks and 3 days, Thursday August 4 because my Dr decided to take a 2 week vacation. This day just happens to be my grandmother's birthday and my sister and her husband's anniversary, so good things happen on that day! My birthday came and went before the appt, I received gift cards for maternity clothes and to Pottery Barn so that I could buy baby stuff at PBK. Those cards are still sitting in the cabinet where I hid them a year and a half ago. We had only told our immediate family and planned to announce our news to everyone else after my first u/s.

August 4 FINALLY arrived. I was a ball of stress that day. I was told to come to the appt with a full bladder and we of course had to wait a freaking hour to get in. I was dying and could not relax. I had this feeling of doom that came over me that day. We finally got in and Dr S just talked to us for a little while about delivery, gave me a packet of info, we looked at the u/s pictures on the wall to see what our baby should look like at this point blah blah - finally it's time to do the u/s. So she first tried to do one on the belly, but couldn't see anything, so we had to do the "probe". I could see on the screen a sack with what looked like a big ball in it and nothing else. She wass frantically moving the probe around and there was nothing else. I immediately knew. Brad grabbed my hand and Dr. S said, you should be a whole lot more pregnant than this. It looked like what a 5 week pregancy would look like, before you can see the fetal pole but you can see the yolk sac (the big ball). She said to come back in a week to see if anything had changed, but warned me that I might m/c on my own. I had to get bloodwork that day too. I hadn't really cried much until we got outside and I had to call my parents. I immediately began sobbing uncontrollably, it was absolutely devastating. I was supposed to go back to work but I didn't of course. Brad and I went to lunch at Tin Star and he started crying at the restaurant - it was just horrible. I spent the next week in a fog. I cried everyday, I was so scared that I would start bleeding out of the blue and had read stories of women who end up in the ER due to excruciating pain and hemmoraging. I felt like a coffin, I was pregnant but yet I was not...

We went to the Dr the next week for our second u/s and of course nothing had changed and so she offered to perform a D&C the next day. I said absolutely yes, I needed this to be over as soon as possible. I had another blood test that day. I felt such relief that it was going to over soon. We even went out to dinner with a friend who was in town for business. I had a couple margaritas and actually felt pretty good. We go in on Friday for the D&C and she says that my HCG levels had actually dropped that week from 84,000 to 50,000, which was confirmation that the pregancy was miscarrying. The procedure wasn't bad, I woke up and felt pretty good. Dr S sent the tissues in for testing to see what the reason was for the m/c. We went to lunch at Potbelly - I was starving. The guy who worked there could tell that I had been in for something because I still had my wrist band on. I said that I had some outpatient surgery, and he then proceeds to tell me that he just recently had his vasectomy there because he needed to be sure not to have anymore kids. I had to restrain myself from informing him that I had just had my dead baby scraped out of my uterus. I talked to our parents and really felt pretty fine that day.

The weekend, was another story. I was an absolute wreck. I would have moments of crying uncontrollably and felt like I was losing my mind. We did manage to go out to dinner with some friends that Saturday night and I did fine. I struggled with depression and cried daily for weeks. Eventually, I started to feel better and everyone assured me that now we knew that I could get pregnant so it will happen again in no time. As I said before, I was sure that the blood pressure medication had been the problem so I felt pretty good about our chances. We had to wait of course until I was fully recovered to try again, but I was sure that I would be pregnant again by the due date, ha ha!

Oh yeah, the testing came back - it was a boy with tetraploidy which means that his chromosmes were XYXY, he had two complete sets. I found out that this is a somewhat rare fluke and happened with the very first cell division. These pregnancies rarely progress past 4-5 weeks but my body just didn't get the message. Obviously my body doesn't have trouble carrying a pregnancy.

Cute Video

Today, I decided to post something that makes me smile. I found this video clip over the weekend and it cracked me up. Dexter loves to give me belly massages like this :). I can't figure out how to make the darn link clickable, so sorry, you'll have to copy and paste the address below.

http://media.putfile.com/Cat-massage

The first year...

It didn't take long after our June 2000 wedding for people to start asking "that" question - when are you going to have kids? We would smile and say, oh not for a while, we are enjoying ourselves right now! We want to travel, go out with friends, you know how it goes. My personal goal had been to have our first child by our 5th anniversary (Ha!) but at the very latest by the time I turned 30 (Ha Ha!). So, we determined that a good time to start TTC (trying to conceive) would be around my 28th B-Day which happened to be in July 2004. Knowing that it might take a little while, I figured this will give us over a year to get pregnant and I'll still have my baby by the time my 30th rolls around, right?

So, at my annual exam in May 2004, I told my OB/Gyn that we were getting ready to start. She gave me a little bit of info on charting my temperature to determine when or if I was ovulating and wrote me a prescription for a prenantal vitamin and off I went! Being the planner that I am, I immediately went to B&N and buy a book, Taking Charge of Your Fertility, which goes into even further detail on charting your cycles, and then I discovered the website, Fertility Friend which allows you to chart your cycles on line and they have these message boards with tons of other women who are also TTC. This will be great and easy because I'm taking action, I'm doing exactly what I should be doing to conceive quickly, I am taking charge of my fertility after all!! I do remember that before I started taking the BCP that my cycles were kind of long and maybe irregular, but I really didn't pay much attention back then, but even so, I'm charting so I'll know exactly when I ovulate so no problem!

So, on August 18, 2004, AF (Aunt Flo aka my period) arrived, just a few weeks past my 28th B-Day, and we were on our way! I started taking my temperature religiously every morning. I ovulated later than "normal" on day 29, hmmm, but our timing was perfect and I had gum surgery a couple weeks before, so that probably delayed it. So, we waited with such excitement and we talked about how great it would be to conceive on the first try. The time finally came to test. My boobs were sore, I was feeling extra fatigued, these are symptoms, I must be pregnant! I would soon learn that pregnancy and PMS symptoms are exactly the same. We were at my parent's house that weekend for a friend's wedding (you will begin to see a pattern here!) when I took my very first HPT (home pregnancy test)! Brad and I huddled in the bathroom that Saturday morning to watch it develop. BFN (big fat negative) of course. We were disappointed of course, but it was just the first try! So we moved on to cycle #2 with just as much optimism and excitement.

Cycle #2 turned out to be even longer, I didn't ovulate until day 45 making it a 59 day cycle, what a beating. Hmmm...Again BFN. Cycle #3 was a little bit shorter, but it was still long and again BFN. It's time to see a Dr about these wacky cycles. So I made an appt with my OB again armed with my charts. She agreed that it was definitely not normal, and so the testing began. Brad has his testing done which was pronounced "normal", whew! Then my bloodwork was done and everything looked A-OK, we didn't really know what was wrong. Then I was introduced to the ultrasound "probe", soon to become my best friend, but more on that later. Everything looked fine. So, we decide to try Clomid which will make me ovulate sooner. Somewhere during this final unmedicated cycle, the first (of MANY) pregnancy announcements came, and yes, pretty much without exception they are hard - well pregnancies of fellow infertiles always give me hope for myself. It was my younger sister and they weren't even "trying" yet, ouch. I was insanely jealous, my stress-level suddenly went through the roof and then the guilt came, causing the stress to increase, and you see how that probably went.

We're already in Feb 2005 at this point and AF finally arrived. Clomid was fine, no real side effects other than a couple hot flashes and I was thrilled because I ovulated on day 21! Earliest ever! At some point during this cycle, I was hanging out on the message boards and come across a post that said that certain types of blood pressure meds can make men infertile, basically everything looks normal but their sperm cannot penetrate the egg. I realized, holy crap, Brad is on that type of medication! So, he asked his Dr to change his prescription and I found out that fresh sperm can be made and become mature within about 70 days. I began to think that this must be the problem. Back to the first Clomid cycle. We were in Corpus Christi for Easter, staying with the in-laws, and my family was down from Houston as well. Good Friday was "testing day". I also wanted to see if I could drink wine that night because everyone was coming over and we were having a party! That morning, I took my Answer brand HPT and immediately, a beautiful second pink line came up! Brad and I started jumping up and down, we couldn't wipe the grins off our faces! We were overjoyed! Then, after about a min, Brad looked at the test again and said, Jenn, the line is getting lighter. We watched as the line slowly disappeared. What the??? So, we snuck out of the house to buy another HPT which I took later that afternoon and it was negative of course. Needless to say, lots of wine was consumed that night. It was also the first time I'd seen my sister with her little pregnant belly in maternity clothes. It was all too much and I had an emotional breakdown - in front of the whole family - how embarrassing.

So, we keep going. We took a break, then did another round of Clomid and I counted the days until that magic 70 day window passed and Brad's sperm were "effective" again. So, on our 8th cycle, on a break from Clomid, I ovulated on day 15!! Holy cow that's the earliest ever! Our timing was perfect and it was just about 75 days since Brad had changed his meds, and guess what happened?? You got it, I was pregnant!!!

I'm going to leave the pregnancy story for another day...I apologize for the wordiness but man it feels great to get all this out!!

When will it be our turn?

This is my very first blog entry! How exciting!!

As we embark on this journey to our first IVF (that's in-vitro fertilization for those of you who are new to the infertility world), I thought that this would be a great outlet for my thoughts and feelings during this highly stressful and emotional process, as well as a way to share this journey with close friends and family. Hopefully this will also give you all some further insight into our infertility journey so far, as we have been fairly private about it. Get ready for some education, folks!

As we are constantly being left behind by so many friends and family who easily become pregnant, have wonderful pregnancies and beautiful, healthy babies I ask....When will it be our turn???