And I thought that was an eventful weekend?

This has been one interesting week. On Sunday afternoon, I had spent the entire day laying in bed, reading a book, just like I was supposed to do, and got up to go to the bathroom as I had been doing about every 30 minutes, and I wiped and the toilet paper was full of blood. Then, it started coming more heavily. I ran out to the living room where Brad was sound asleep taking a nap and woke him up to tell him I was bleeding. We both ran back to the bathroom where I sat down on the toilet again and it was literally gushing into the toilet so bad that it sounded like I was peeing. I put on 2 pads just in case and we just ran out the door to rush to the hospital which is fortunately only 2 miles from our house. I could tell that the bleeding had already slowed down dramatically and was no longer gushing. We knew that this could happen so we were as prepared for as it as you can be and knew what to do. It definitely helped us both keep a calm/cool head about the blood.

We checked in at the emergency room and finally someone came down with a wheelchair to take me up to L&D. I had called my Dr on the way and she called me while we were still in emergency to find out exactly what was going on and she literally got here 10 minutes after we did. I got into a gown and in bed and when Dr. M got here, she did a speculum exam to take a look inside and cleaned out a lot of of the blood. She said that I'm a good clotter because I was full of clots. I guess that's a good thing if you're going to bleed heavily like that. They then hooked me up to an IV and everyone was preparing us to deliver that night. They even had a NICU nurse come to talk to us about what to expect with an almost 32 weeker. They told us that we had two huge things in our favor - that Lauren is a girl and that we've had the steroid shots. Apparently as a general rule, girls do better than boys do. So, we were very freaked out and I was a basket case, sobbing like crazy. We called our families and told them that we were probably having the baby that night and tried to prepare ourselves mentally which is pretty impossible to do let me tell you. Dr. M came in to do another speculum exam about an hour or so after the first one, and we got the best news we could have ever gotten - the bleeding had completely stopped! So, I was considered stable and we were taking the night to see what happened.

I wasn't allowed to eat anything just in case over night, but because I went the entire night with nothing but some very light spotting so they let me start eating the next morning. I was officially sentenced to STRICT bedrest which means that I'm not allowed out of bed PERIOD. I was given a cathedar which is really not as bad as it sounds because it is very convenient not having to us the bedpan constantly, but I do have the use the dreaded bedpan for you know what - NOT FUN at all and it is really quite humiliating. I also have to have sponge baths in beds and luckily the nurses have figured out a way to wash my hair while laying in bed. I can't tell you how nice it feels to feel clean - I just had a "bed shower" this morning and I feel like a new person. I just have to keep reminding myself that it is all worth it.

So, I've officially been here at the hospital for 5 nights and things have gone relatively well. I did have a second minor bleeding episode on Monday afternoon that was bit scary, but again it stopped very quickly, though it scared both us and Dr. M. Since then, I've had nothing but some brown spotting which is just old blood and nothing to be concerned about.

At this stage of pregnancy, every day is an accomplishment and every week is HUGE. We're praying to make it to at least 34 weeks which is really good. Those babies have a fairly good chance of being able to bottle or breast feed exclusively and she has a really good chance of being able to breath just room air on her own though she may a little bit of oxygen through a canula in her nose. She would likely only need to spend a week or two in the NICU and would hopefully be home in time for Christmas! Babies born earlier say at 32-33 weeks have a hard time "nippling" all their feeds (that's the term that the NICU nurse used) because they either haven't developed a strong enough suckling reflex or just get too tired, so they are typically fed with a feeding tube in their mouth or nose (some 34 weekers have this too). They can receive pumped breast milk this way which is great. The nurse said that their NICU is very pro breast feeding which makes me happy. She said that no matter how little breast milk that I can pump, especially at the beginning, will be given to her. She said that they have a very small unit which is also great because the babies get lots of individual attention and it's a much quieter/calmer environment than other large units where she's worked. She said that parents are allowed to go up there 22 hours a day (they only close for one hour in the morning and one hour in the evening. She said that parents can be as involved as they want in caring for their babies, like feeding, bathing, etc. when they get strong and healthy enough. Some very common problems for preemies are apnea and bradys or a's and b's. Apnea is where the baby "forgets" to breath and they are on monitors that will go off if this happens. She said that they just pat the baby when this happens and then they're fine. Bradys (I know that's not the complete word for it) are heart decels. Babies have to go 5 consecutive days without any episodes before they are allowed to go home, along with gaining wait and nippling all their feeds. I've learned so much about preemies!! I just hope that Lauren never has to see the inside of the NICU though if she comes before 35 weeks, she'll automatically go there. At 35 weeks, the NICU staff will be in the OR but they may or may not need to take her.

So, how am I doing? I'm hanging in there. I have good days and bad days. I was extremely emotional on day 3, Wednesday for some reason. I just couldn't stop crying at everything. I still feel pretty emotional and cry easily, but it's getting better. I'm allowed to be emotional though, this is a really hard thing to deal with. My body aches from laying here 24 hours a day, but turning from my side to my back periodically helps. That's my excitement for the day! I've been watching a lot of TV of course and I've hijacked Brad's work laptop and have been spending a lot of time on-line. Brad has been spending a lot of time up here and his parents are in town for Thanksgiving so they've all come to hang out with me. I had a to go plate for my Thanksgiving dinner and it was very yummy! Brad and his dad are working on finishing the nursery up, painting and putting up chair rail. I can't wait to see the pictures! My mom is coming on Wednesday and my Dad will be coming on Friday. It will be nice to see them, especially since Brad is heading back to work part-time next week. I had to cancel my baby shower since it was supposed to be next weekend. I was sad about that, but it's fine - things just didn't work out. Maybe we'll do something in January or something after Lauren arrives. I feel a bit like a ticking time bomb laying here because I know that the bleeding can start for no reason whatsoever which is pretty scary. I just keep waiting for it to happen. We were told that with the next big bleed, they're cutting. I'm also terrified because they have had to remind me (even though I knew this already) that there is a risk of an emergency hysterectomy with a previa if they can't get the bleeding to stop in the OR. What happens after the baby is born is that the uterus immediately clamps down like a fist and detaches the placenta. This normally happens very easily and the placenta just comes out and the contractions help to stop the bleeding. Unfortunately with a previa, the bottom of the uterus is not as efficient at contracting and it makes it more difficult to stop that bleeding. One good thing in our favor is that even though my previa is complete, the majority of my placenta is posterior which means it is growing up the back of my uterus, which is a much better scenario then when the placenta is literally sitting on the bottom of the uterus, or centered over the cervix. It still has a chance to move up while I'm laying here too so again something to hope for. I believe that I'll have another sono on Monday to check things out, though it was still there last Monday and I don't think that it typically moves that quickly but you never know. As Lauren continues to gain weight, my uterus continues to stretch and grow which is a good thing. It's just a waiting game at this point. We could definitely use some extra prayers for a safe and relatively uneventful delivery.

So, that's the update for now. I'll try to keep this updated though there isn't much to talk about when all you do is lay in bed all day!

What an exciting weekend!

We had a very eventful few days, but not in a good way. On Thursday afternoon right after getting out of a meeting, I made one of my many daily visits to the restroom and was dismayed to find that I was spotting. I knew that this was a big deal and not something to take lightly with the previa, so I immediately called my OB and of course had to leave a message for the nurse because my OB had just been called in for a delivery. So, I stewed for a couple minutes, and went back to the bathroom to see how things looked and I was having more spotting, so I called the office again and they told me to go straight to labor & delivery.

I drove myself and Brad met me there about 15 minutes later. In that short 15 minutes, they already me in a gown in bed and hooked up to the monitors. Baby Lauren (yes, we finally officially decided on a name!) sounded fantastic and she definitely is not a big fan of the heartbeat monitor because she was kicking the heck out of it the whole time :)! The contraction monitor unfortunately, showed quite a bit of regular activity which they deemed to be uterine irritability and minor contractions that I couldn't feel coming about every 3-5 minutes. The nurse asked how much I'd drank that day and I realized that I might not have drank as much as I normally do, so they started pushing fluids because dehydration can definitely bring this stuff on. I chugged a couple big jugs of water and it still hadn't worked, so they hooked me up to an IV and gave me half a bag in about 10 minutes and that eventually stopped all activity. They take any contractions very seriously with a previa because that is what causes the significant bleeding. So, they kept me on the IV all night and the OB on call talked to me about the likelihood of bedrest but everyone was comforted that the contractions were stopped with fluid alone.

On Friday morning, the Peri showed up but not my normal one and that is a whole other dramatic story that I'll share later. Anyway, this Peri, Dr. K did my sonogram and Baby looked great and is weighing in at 3 pounds 4 ounces, and my cervix was still long and closed which is a very good sign that my body isn't preparing for labor in the next 2-3 weeks. My previa is still complete though. She did tell me that she would recommend a course of steroid shots to help give Lauren's lungs a boost in case she is born too early, and my OB agreed, so I had my first shot at 12:15 on Friday. Because I needed my second shot 12 hours later, and they wanted to continue to monitor me, I spent a second night in the hospital. Let me tell you, those beds are NOT comfortable! I was sleeping in a labor bed which means that it comes apart for delivery so it has all kinds of crazy parts and lumps. The nurse had told me that if I had to stay longer they would get me a more comfy bed. The first night they gave me an Ambien and that really helped but the second night, no such luck. So, on Saturday morning, I woke up at about 5:30 AM and noticed that my contraction monitor was showing regular minor activity again and the nurse came in soon and we started pushing fluids again but without the IV which again got everything under control.

Fortunately, Dr. P, my OB, decided that it would be ok for me to head home on bedrest which I was so grateful for, so we were released around noon on Friday. It was great to get home and take a shower and just be on our own couch and sleep in our own bed! I was told to be a couch potato for the next 6 weeks and stay off my feet as much as possible but I can of course make my MANY trips to the bathroom, take a shower and fix myself something to eat. I'm not allowed to leave the house except for Dr appts so those will be my "big outings". I also have to continue to really push those fluids. I think this will be a long 6 weeks but I just pray that I make it that long! We're still sticking with the plan to have the amnio on Dec 20 and c-section Dec 21. I'm so glad that this happened after Brad got home because I was so scared that it would happen while he was gone! Poor Brad is going to be one busy bee over these next weeks! He is now in charge of laundry, running errands, cooking, everything! He was working non-stop this weekend, while I just pointed and supervised. He's being great though and of course just wants me and Lauren to be ok!

So, that's the exciting update! I have a sono with my regular Peri tomorrow, and I'm sure we'll get some new pics, so I'll post those later.

My hubby is coming home today!!!

I'm so excited because Brad is FINALLY getting home tonight after a 2 week business trip around the world - literally. I'm so excited to see him!! I didn't post about him being gone before because I'm a paranoid pregnant girl who didn't want to let people know that I was home by myself for that long since this blog can be read by anyone out there on the world wide web.

Anyway, here was his itinerary - he left on Sunday, Oct 21 to fly to Copenhagen with a connection in Zurich, and had to travel by train to Sweden to work for about a day and a half. Then he took the train back to Copenhagan and flew to Duseldorf, Germany on Wednesday morning and worked there for about another day and a half. Then he took the train to Luxembourg and spent Friday and Saturday morning with our friends Geoff and Alison who just moved there for a 2 year rotation for work. On Saturday morning, he took the train to Paris and walked around for about an hour before hopping on a plane to Tokyo. He spent about 2 1/2 days in Japan which he loved by the way, and then flew to Shanghai, China on Wed morning. He worked for a couple days there and then hopped on a plane to Chicago at 4 AM our time, 5 PM their time and will arrive in Chicago at 5 PM the same day! This happens to be Brad's birthday and it will officially be the longest one of his life - 35 hours!! It will also be long because he is spending a large portion of the day on a plane but fortunately, it is his company's policy that for overseas flights he gets to fly business or first class. He will of course fly home from Chicago tonight. Does that itinerary sound exhausting or what?!

I've missed him so much and I was sad that he missed 2 weeks of our pregnancy, but he had a great experience so that's ok. I'm sure he'll be able to see a difference in my girth when he sees me! I also finally get to show him all the great gifts and things we've received as well as our stroller and carseat that arrived the other day! I managed to keep myself pretty busy though Christmas shopping and shopping for baby of course :)!

Last week's update

My office shower was wonderful! The ladies in my department hosted it and they did such a beautiful job! I was so overwhelmed with everyone's generosity. Here is a pic of the "sea of pink loot" and the beautiful cake.


I had my gestational diabetes test Friday morning and I received the news this morning that I passed! Yippee! I did unfortunately find out that I'm anemic which really isn't a big deal - I just have to take iron supplements. I don't really have any obvious symptoms which I guess is good. I also talked to the OB about scheduling my c-section and it is now officially on the calendar for December 21!! Holy cow!! My amnio will be performed by my Peri on Dec 20. That is less than 2 months away!! It's crazy how real it feels now. Fortunately, I got a pretty good start on Christmas shopping over the weekend. I definitely need to get that done sooner rather than later! If my placenta happens to move out of way in time, we'll just cancel the c-section.

So, that's the update that I promised on the exciting events of last week!

Some promising news

Here's the newest photo of Stretch! She's getting so big! Anyway, we had our second Peri appt on Friday afternoon and our little girl still looks perfect and now weighs in at a whopping 2 pounds 4 ounces! As far as the status of my placenta, it looks like it is on the move! It is still a complete previa; however, Dr. A couldn't see that it was obviously complete with the abdominal ultrasound so he had to go in and take a look with the probe. He said that it might move still, but because it's still complete at this stage, it's pretty unlikely that it will move far enough away to allow a vaginal delivery which is fine with me. I just want it to move far enough away that it won't be such a risk to me or the baby. We could maybe also postpone delivery some in that scenario, but we'll just have to see. Our next appointment is Nov 13.

In other exciting news, I'm officially in the third trimester! I can't believe it!! We have also reached the point of viability which is such a relief. I know it's been a while since I posted a belly shot so here's my 27 week one which also happens to be one of my bare belly!


I have my next OB appointment on Thursday morning along with my gestational diabetes test (yuck) and my office baby shower that afternoon (yay)! I'm very excited! I'll be sure and update after the big events of the week!

One of those blue days

I'm feeling really down today after getting the terrible news last night that one of my dear friends is miscarrying. This particular friend has been through far more infertility hell than ANYONE deserves, way more than me, and it just truly breaks my heart. I was so over the moon excited about her BFP that I was practically jumping out of my skin and now this - not that my excitement or subsequent sadness is anything compared to her's or her husband's. I just keep asking myself - why? Why her? Why anyone? This just sucks :(.

Good news and bad news

I'll start with the good news first...

We had our Peri appt with Dr. A on Friday and little Stretch looks absolutely perfect! We also confirmed that she is all girl which we are very excited about! She's getting so big! In just 4 weeks, she went from 10 ounces to 1 pound 6 ounces. She's really packing on the pounds :)! We could see her profile this time and she had both hands in front of her face and she was sticking her tongue out, sort of licking her hands - it was very cool! My parents also came into town this weekend and we had planned to register which we did and that was a lot of fun, until Brad got tired and rushed us out of there - men! We also bought our furniture which we though we would have to order and wait for 10 weeks but we were pleasantly surprised to find out that they had it all in stock so we got to take it home and Brad and my Dad got it all set up. We of course then had to go out and buy the mattress and bedding to see what the finished crib will look like and it's adorable! Our bedding is pastel greens and pinks and whites with little lady bugs, dragonflies and flowers on it. Now we have to get the room painted, pick out a chair and get some more accessories. Oh, and we haven't tackled the closet yet - not looking forward to that job. It's so exciting to have it coming together!

So, onto the bad news...my placenta really hasn't moved at all. Dr. A told me that based on the way it looks now, he really doesn't expect it to resolve, so we talked about the plan. I go back on Oct 19 for another follow-up and will continue to have regular follow ups to monitor any changes. Assuming it doesn't resolve and I've been major complication free, at 36 1/2 weeks he will do an amnio to check for lung maturity and if she's ready to come out, my c-section will be right away because it's pretty imperative that they deliver before I go into labor or start having any real contractions. He also told me that though some women never bleed that most do at some point, and the first bleed is usually not life threatening - uh great. I'm thinking that it is a positive thing that I haven't had any bleeding or even spotting yet. We're just continuing to pray that I don't have any major bleeding episodes that would require a very early delivery or would be very dangerous to me or the baby. He did point out to me that he has to give really bad news to women everyday about the health of their babies, so I'm pretty lucky to have a perfect little munchkin in there! I'm incredibly grateful for that!

I'm OB-less!

I had my regular OB appointment yesterday and my regular doc, Dr. K, is still on maternity leave so I continued my floating and instead saw the brand new doc to the practice, Dr. M. Anyway, they informed me that Dr. K has decided to become a stay at home mom to her three boys! I can't say I blame her at all since I'm doing it too, but I'm a little sad to be losing her. I also couldn't imagine going through all that education - 9 years of medical school and residency! - and then retiring, but I also couldn't imagine having her schedule with three little ones. Her husband is also a Dr so they both have a lot on their plates career-wise. Good for her! I get to see her one more time because she is coming back just for the month of October. So, I now have to choose another of the three docs for my regular one. The one that I really want, Dr. B, is actually pregnant (with her second IVF baby!) and is due right before me so I guess it wouldn't make much sense to pick her, hmmm.

So, the rest of the appointment was fairly uneventful, with a perfectly sized uterus, very strong heartbeat in the 150's and slightly more weight gain that I expected, until Dr. M asked me about my Peri appt. I told her I have it scheduled for Friday and she then asked me if I understood why I needed to see him. I said yes, because of the previa and she said yes, and because we couldn't see the arteries exiting the heart - uh WHAT??? That was the first that I had heard this! She told me that it was nothing to freak out about (easy for her to say), but that it was simply that the sonographers try to see where the two major arteries (pulmonary and aorta) exit the heart because they should exit from the correct chambers and apparently she couldn't get a good enough picture to see. Apparently my Peri has much better equipment for that sort of thing so he can check it for us. I have to believe that this is not a big deal or a sign that something could be wrong or the other two doctors who I've talked to since the ultrasound would have said something. She assured me that everything about the heart that they could see looked perfect. I'm a little worried, but not terribly.

So, in other baby news, we saw my belly jumping for the first time last night! I'm sure that I could have seen it before if I'd stared at my bare belly for long enough, but last night she was really doing karate chops so we could see it through my shirt! Then I lifted it up and we could see it even better. It was so cool! I just love it!

Still can't believe this is really happening

I am still in shock that I have an actual baby growing and kicking :) inside of me! It seems so surreal at times, but I am LOVING every moment! I have been making more frequent trips to Babies R Us and other baby stores lately, trying to make some final decisions on registry, bedding, furniture, etc., and I still hear that nagging little voice in the back of my head asking if I really belong here. Yes, as a matter of fact, I do and it's becoming quite obvious now! For so many years, I avoided those places like the plague and if I was forced to go in, it was in and out as fast as I could possibly move. What a difference a few months can make!

Ever since we found out that Stretch is a girl, we've received so many gifts and adorable baby girl clothes! I've also become quite the shopaholic myself. This little girl is going to be quite the fashionista! I'm secretly nervous that they got it wrong and she is really a he and we're going to have all this pink stuff, but I know that the chances of that are pretty slim. I'm going to have Dr. A double check for me next week to make me feel more confident that we can proceed with the buying of pink.

Last week I finally broke the news to my boss that I am not coming back. I was so nervous about it and had worked myself into quite a tizzy over it, but it actually went very smoothly. He was very understanding and I really don't think he was all that surprised. He told me that he just wants me to be happy which was nice. I was afraid that things would be awkward between us, but things are pretty much business as usual. We are going to start looking for a replacement soon and I'll hopefully be able to train that person before I leave. I plan to work right up to before Christmas by the way (if I can). I figure I can't travel anyway so I might as well earn as much cash as possible.

I'm very anxiously awaiting our appointment with Dr. A next Friday only a week to go! I'll keep you posted on the status of my placenta. I keep talking to it, encouraging it to move, so we'll see if it has listened to me.

More placenta previa talk

I've been a researching fool ever since I got the diagnosis, and just wanted to share a little bit of that with you. I have been told so many differing statistics about the resolution of these things that I was going crazy! I heard from one OB that 95% resolve, then another said 85% resolve, then I read articles online that 90% resolve. Anyway, I was interested in finding information that was specific to complete previas (what I have) and finally found an article that had statistics for each. Here's the link http://www.aafp.org/afp/20070415/1199.html. Anyway, it says that previas are less likely to move in women who have had a previous C-section (one point in my favor!), because it seems that placentas like to adhere to scar tissue. Of course I worry about having scar tissue from my D&C but I know that would definitely not be as significant as C-section scarring.

So, this article says that for complete previas with no previous c/s that are diagnosed at 15-19 weeks (mine was diagnosed at 20), that 20% will persist to delivery and if it's still there at 24-27 weeks 56% will persist. It all depends on the position of the placenta though, i.e., how far the overlap is, and I don't have that information yet. I know my Peri will look at it in greater detail and take measurements and all that good stuff. I've also found a message board on Babycenter (they have message boards for everything!) for placental problems and have found many stories of women whose placentas eventually moved and also of women who had no bleeding at all though it seems that majority whose persisted did have at least one bleeding episode.

One of my online friends had a complete previa that persisted to delivery and she had a bleeding episode at 33 weeks and spent 3 days in the hospital and then went home on bedrest for the rest of her pregnancy until they delivered her baby girl by uneventful c/s at 36 weeks. I think that her experience is pretty typical. I also find it pretty crazy that we would both have this happen because it's relatively uncommon! I must say that at the time that she was going through it, I really didn't understand just how serious it can be but I have definitely been educated! They say that you are the highest risk for bleeding at 28 weeks and beyond due to cervical changes, dilation and contractions. The goal is to schedule your c/s before labor begins, so it's almost always going to be scheduled before 40 weeks, most often around 37 weeks.

There are lots of other crazy complications that could happen with previas that I won't go into here, but here's a good general article about it - http://www.babycenter.com/0_placenta-previa_830.bc?Ad=com.bc.common.AdInfo%4053b252a

On a much lighter note, we went to Vegas for Labor Day weekend and had a GREAT time! We spent a lot of time relaxing out by the pool, saw a show, ate some great meals and Brad did some gambling and ended up coming out WAY ahead which is very exciting! More money to cover some of those big baby gear expenses, woohoo!

Here is our daughter!

It's so surreal to use that word! I love it!

Here is the "money shot" that left no doubt that yes, she is a girl!
Here is her face! We couldn't get a profile shot because she was facing forward, folded in half with her feet up by her face - she's quite the contortionist! You can even see the heart in this pic. It's the dark spot on her chest.

Results of the BIG U/S!!

It's a GIRL!! We are so excited! She showed us the "goods" immediately and was not shy at all! She was wiggling around like crazy and looks absolutely perfect! Now for the fun to begin! Brad took the pics to work with him so I'll post some tonight. She's so beautiful!

Unfortunately, this pregnancy was not destined to be complication free. I have a complete placenta previa. That means that the placenta is completely covering my cervix which automatically makes this a high risk pregnancy, so I'm being sent off the Perinatal specialist for sonograms every 4 weeks to see what the placenta's position is. I go for my first one on Sept 28. They can sometimes move up and away from the cervix as the uterus grows, and I was told that the majority do move, so we're praying that happens. If not, it will mean an automatic C-section, possible early delivery and bedrest. It looked like the placenta is posterior which means that it is growing up the back of the uterus with the bottom covering the cervix so in that position, we have a greater chance of it moving up the back of my uterus. So far I haven't had any bleeding or spotting or anything, but it is apparently very common with previas, especially in the third trimester so I have to be very careful and watch out for that and may wind up in the hospital for my bedrest. I've been put on pelvic rest and I'm going to be taking it easy from now on. I've read a few articles and have seen some scary stuff in there (worst case scenario stuff) and I'll admit, I'm pretty freaked out about it. I would appreciate any prayers!

Oh how times have changed

First, I'll apologize for my rant in my last post. That stuff does bother me, don't get me wrong, but I was having one of those days when EVERYTHING got on my nerves. Just an example of how bad it was, I was riding the elevator down that afternoon and had of course pushed 1 for the bottom floor, and this girl gets on at the floor below me and for some reason felt the need to push 1 again even though it was lit, and yes, that annoyed me! Ah, pregnancy hormones :)!

So, on to the reason for this entry. I was just reflecting on what a drastic turn my outlook has taken. For example, I've started recording A Baby Story everyday and get so excited to watch it! This is a show that you couldn't have paid me enough to watch just a few short months ago - way too painful. I went to a baby shower a few weeks ago and it was the first time that I didn't cry on my way home in oh about 3 years and it felt great! I see pregnant women out in public and instead of feeling sad and looking away, I find myself smiling at them. Of course, I do secretly wonder if they had it easy or not, and I do get jealous of the "had it easy" crowd, but trust me this is a huge improvement. When I see a hugely pregnant woman that looks visibly uncomfortable out in this Texas August heat, I actually feel real sympathy for her and believe me when I say that this is a new one! When I see new mothers or couples with tiny babies, I think with great joy about how that will be us soon, not, I wonder if that will ever be us which is a terribly depressing thought for someone who wants nothing more than to be a mother. I think that I will always hold some bitterness and residual pain from our struggle deep inside, but it feels incredible to have such an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders!

Only 3 more days until the BIG U/S!!!!

Irritating news story

This morning as we were getting ready for work, I heard Matt Lauer giving the introduction on the Today Show (my favorite morning show by the way!), and one of the top stories was, "A woman has given birth to identical quadruplets without the use of fertility drugs!" What? Gasp! No fertility drugs for indentical quadruplets which means that a single egg and sperm spontaneously split into 4 babies! Yes folks, it could happen to anyone. If they had been fraternal quads, yes, they likely were conceived with the help of fertility drugs. I get so annoyed with the misinformed media and public for that matter (probably as a result of stories like these) on matters related to reproduction and conception. I didn't see the story, but I highly doubt that they addressed the difference between identicals and fraternals, i.e. single versus multiple eggs, and explained that identicals are completely spontaneous and random occurances. Of course Brad reminded me that if we hadn't gone through this, we would assume that they were a result of fertility treatments and he's maybe, probably right. I also know that there are many people who read this blog who are "fertile" who don't know all the ins and outs of conception and the infertility world (and they're certainly not going to learn it from the media), but that is one of my goals here - to try to educate. Another one that gets me are the people who say that because their husbands have twins in their families so they have a higher chance of having twins too. Uh, sorry to say but the husbands have nothing to do with it. They always have millions of sperm while it's up to the woman to release the multiple eggs or for the embryo to spontaneously split which again has nothing to do with genetics.

So, that's my little fertility lesson of the day. Stepping off my soapbox now...

18 Weeks!!

Here's my 18 week belly shot!
My very talented photographer seems to have cut off the top of my head! The most important thing is the belly, right? I'll start posting them about every two weeks or so.

I get weekly e-mails from Babycenter that tell me about what is going on with the baby that week and they usually have a food reference for the size of the baby, like one week it was a jumbo shrimp, another week an avocado, etc. Anyway, I always forward them on to Brad and he likes to read them out to his staff (he's so cute and excited :)!). So, last week, it said that the baby was the size of a large onion so one of the girls decided to print out a picture of an onion and wrote Stretch on it and hung it on his whiteboard - this morning, there was a picture of a sweet potato :).

I think I forgot to mention that at my Dr appointment on Monday, they drew blood for the AFP test which is the one that tests for the risk of spina bifida and other neural tube defects. Anyway, I got the results and everything was good! I really wasn't worried about it, but it's always a relief to hear that the results were just fine.

Look what I found!

Someone posted a link to this cool website that has all kinds of nifty things that you can order related to infertility, like T-Shirts, baby bibs or onesies. Anyway, I picked out one that I really like that I'm definitely going to order for Stretch -

I know most people don't know what that means, but ART stands for Advanced Reproductive Technologies, basically IVF. I thought it was so cute and clever!

Brad wants this one -

Pretty funny, huh?

Our appointment went well today. I've only gained about 5 pounds total which is just crazy because I've been eating like a pig lately! I guess this means that my metabolism is just cranking away! We got to hear the heartbeat again and her doppler measures the rate and it's a strong 154! She pointed out that if you believe the old wives tale, it's a girl...hmm. The most exciting part about today's appointment was that we scheduled our BIG U/S for August 28!! I cannot wait!! Dr. K is about to pop! She's huge! She is a tiny little person to begin with so there's nowhere for that baby to go except for out in front. This was the last time we'll see her for a couple months, but I'm looking forward to meeting the other two docs.

Speaking of eating like a pig, I think that Stretch must have liked the two chocolate chip cookies I ate at lunch today, because I think I'm really feeling some flutters right now! It's still not consistent because I'll think I feel something and then go several days with nothing, but I'm really thinking that these are kicks!

A Woman with an Obsession

I am completely obsessed with finding just the "right" stroller and car seat. I cannot tell you how many hours I have spent researching reviews, message boards, etc. - it's crazy! It all started with our first trip to Babies R Us two weeks ago, and hasn't stopped since. I want to make sure that we make the right decision and I'm trying my best to pick out a stroller that we will be happy with using for years down the road, so I'm trying to find one that is good quality, lightweight and preferably folds like an umbrella stroller to take up as little room as possible in my trunk. It also needs a basket that is large enough. Then, Brad has to test them all and if he kicks the wheels then it's out. Who knew this would be such an agonizing decision!

My doctor's appointment is finally tomorrow! Thank goodness I have my doppler because it made this long wait tolerable. Speaking of dopplers, we listened yesterday morning and had such a strong reading that we could actually hear Stretch's heart valves closing shut! So cool! The CD that came with our doppler had an example of this so we recognized it as soon as we heard it. I think the most exciting thing about tomorrow's appointment for me will be scheduling our BIG u/s!! I can't wait!!

Just an update

I've been neglecting my blog lately, so this will just be a miscellaneous update. Here is my 16 week belly shot! I look like I'm carrying this baby really high, but I'm pretty sure that it's just my "guts" being pushed up and out now that my uterus has moved and is now standing up straight. Strangers are starting to notice my belly now, well they've just started making comments to me anyway. Last week in the elevator, the guy who was in there with me just said congratulations. At first, I couldn't figure out what he was talking about! Then a lady at work who is apparently out of the gossip loop was in the bathroom with me and she just flat out asked me if I was pregnant. She said she figured it was either that or I'd suddently gained a lot of weight! I'm loving looking pregnant!

I'm finally starting to feel better about food which is very nice! I even cooked dinner a few times last week! I know Brad is happy about that. I still can't stand the thought of eating a big hunk of meat like a steak, but I at least can stomach a peice of chicken. I still have my queasy moments, but those are becoming few and far between. I haven't really had too many crazy cravings, mainly just chocolate but that is nothing new for me - now I just succumb to those cravings! I'm also in a constant state of hunger and pretty much have to eat every 2 hours or I'm one unhappy girl. I went from having to force myself to eat to wanting to eat 24/! I still have pretty bad heartburn, but am trying to put off switching to Zantac as long as I can - Tums do the job so far.

I also finally decided to rent a doppler so that we can listen to Stretch any time we want to. I tried to put it off for as long as I could, but I was going crazy waiting for out next appt! Anyway, we've had it about a week and have heard the heartbeat 3 times and we're going to use it tonight - I can't wait! I'm now only going to use it once a week (I was a little obsessed at first). It is really nice having that little reassurance that everything is A-OK in there.

I am not positive, but I might have felt some movement over the last week. It's so hard to tell though. They say that for most first pregnancies, movement isn't felt until 18-20 weeks, so who knows. I can't wait to feel some real kicks so I will know for sure!

So, that's my update - all crammed into one random entry!

Happy (Early) Birthday to Me!

My birthday is actually tomorrow but I won't be able to post then, so I'm doing it a day early. I'm turning 31 - gasp! I'm officially an old hag and I can prove it with a head full of gray hair which I am incidentally having covered today with a strong dose of dye. I remember back in my innocent days, thinking that 31 was so old to be having your first baby - hah! I was going to be one of the first of my friends to have a baby - hah! Well, that really came back to bite me in the butt! Oh well, one big lesson I've learned through out this is life doesn't always turn out the way you plan, no matter how hard you try. I must say, this birthday is MUCH more pleasant than my last one, considering that I'm pregnant and all :).

In other news, I'm now an aunt of three! My sister gave birth to a little girl, her second child, over the weekend. Everyone is happy and healthy which is a very good thing. We will be making the trip down to meet her in the next couple of weeks!

Feeling incredibly lucky with a healthy dose of guilt

As I enter the second trimester (YAY!) of this relatively uneventful pregnancy which appears that it very likely will result in a healthy baby, I am feeling so incredibly lucky and grateful to be here. The road to get here was long, painful and hellish at times, but looking back, I wouldn't change it. I'm not going to say that these things happen for a reason because I don't really believe that, but I am grateful for the experiences that I have had. I have met some of the most incredible women through the world wide web who have also dealt with infertility who have been a lifeline of support for me when I had no one in my real life who could relate. I have grown as a person and have realized that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I have learned an ENORMOUS amount about my body and the miracle of conception - I should have an honorary MD in infertility! Brad and I became closer as a couple and we realized that we can endure through the hardest of times. We were able to have so many wonderful experiences that we would never have had if I had gotten pregnant immediately, like travel to Italy, Mexico a few times, the Virgin Islands, the list goes on. We are more prepared financially and mentally than ever for a child. We KNOW how much we want this - how ready we are for this life change of starting a family.

So, why the guilt? Well, I have what you would call survivor's guilt. I feel guilty that I was the "lucky" one who managed to get pregnant on my first IVF try but have left so many behind. My heart breaks for my fellow "soldiers" still fighting the war - especially those who went through their IVF cycles at the same time as us, whose cycles failed or worse yet, ended in miscarriage :(. It is just not fair and it completely sucks!!! I pray for those women in the trenches constantly and I will never forget my pain - their pain.

I recently found this blog written by a woman in South Africa who has been through far more infertility wise than I went through, including the loss of twins at 21+ weeks, multiple miscarriages, and 6 IVFs, but she is now the mother of boy/girl twins! She is also a published author of a book on infertility and has become somewhat of a spokesperson for the "industry". Anyway, she has had this blog for years and reading her entries regarding infertility are like reading my own thoughts, if I was as eloquent as her! I know that most people don't have the time or patience to sit and read all this stuff, but I thought I'd post the link anyway because it really has touched me - I found myself laughing one minute and crying the next.

http://www.tertia.org/so_close/infertility_reflections/index.html

Enjoy!!

More good news...

I got the blood test results from my NT scan and it was normal - yay!! One less thing to worry about now! My OB appt went very well yesterday too. I have only gained about 2-2.5 pounds which I'm very happy with - yay me! This is right on track with the recommended 3 pounds in the first trimester. I just hope that I can hold it to no more than 30 pounds total because I really don't want to have to lose a ton of baby weight plus the weight that I needed to lose before I got pregnant. We got to hear the heartbeat and she found it fairly quickly which was exciting! Still holding strong at 161 beats per minute! Oh, and Dr. K asked me if the peri made a guess at the gender at my NT and we told her that he guessed girl. So, I asked Dr. K how often he is right and she said that he is almost always right, like 95% of the time - hmmm...I'm still not calling this baby a she!

I think that I'm going to have to break down and start stocking up on maternity clothes now. I'll probably go on a shopping spree this weekend. I have bought a few things, but it's definitely not enough. I'm going to have to buy like three seasons worth of stuff - it's going to start adding up, yikes!

Finally spilling all the beans...

Well, I think we have officially told everyone our news! I finally broke down and told work yesterday and I'm still enjoying the trickle down effect of the news spreading to the other departments. It's been really fun actually with all the congratulations and hugs that I've been receiving! One of the ladies who I work with who is so sweet and a grandmother herself even started crying and that of course made me cry! Brad has kind of been in charge of telling the world because I've been a big chicken about it, so this was my first time really telling people in person that I'm pregnant, if you can believe that. It's really fun to say by the way! Of course, I'm the 4th girl here at work who has announced their pregnancy in the last year or so, so I'm getting lots of there must be something in the water or it must be contagious comments - I want to say, oh well if that's all it takes, maybe I should ask for a refund for the thousands of dollars that I gave my Dr! I don't say that of course, I just keep my mouth shut and say something like this baby was a long time coming or years in the making. I'm not shy about it. My entire department knew about my miscarriage so they know how long we've been trying, at least since then. I was really nervous about telling my boss because I know how much he relies on me and how afraid he is of losing me. I haven't told him yet that I don't plan to come back, but of course I feel so bad because it's obvious that he already stressed out about me being out for just a few months based on some of the comments that he's made - ack! I haven't figured out when to break that news, but it will definitely be at least a couple months in advance to give them an opportunity to try to find a replacement.

So, I'm officially 13 weeks today!! Yippee!! I'm still feeling about the same and haven't yet experienced the so-called second trimester rejuvenation, but I'm waiting patiently! I don't really think I'm in the second trimester yet, even though some books and websites say that I am. I believe that it begins at 14 weeks because of course 40 divided by 3 is about 13 weeks, not 12. I'm pretty exhausted all the time still and still pretty queasy at night, but it really isn't too bad - it just makes it tough to find things that I like to eat that are also good for me. A new thing for me is that I woke up at 3 AM literally starving to death. My stomach was growling loudly and full force, so I had to get out of bed and eat something. Hmm, I wonder if this will be a recurring thing. Maybe I should start keeping food by the bed!

In other news - I have my first just regular OB appointment tomorrow afternoon and I am guessing that we'll get to listen to the heartbeat and who knows what else. I'm also still waiting on the bloodwork results from our NT scan. I'm not stressed about it, but I would like to just get the results and be done with it. I'll keep y'all posted!

Here are the new pics!

Here is the profile shot!



This one is the face shot. You can see the skull and facial bones and a big round belly :)!

Breathing a huge sigh of relief!!

We're back from our NT scan ultrasound and everything looked just great!! The baby is measuring just fine with a good strong heartbeat (160 bpm) and we got to hear it today for the first time! We also saw Stretch's arm waving around in there but otherwise, she/he was just chilling in there (must have been napping like mommy wanted to be!), so the Dr was able to see all kinds of stuff. The NT measurement was 1.1 and we wanted it between 1-3 so you can't get much better than that, and now we wait for blood results to come back to complete to test and that should be in about a week or less. The Dr. actually got a great between the legs shot and took a guess at the gender though he stressed that it's way too early to know for sure but he guessed........Girl!! I'm certainly not going to get my heart set on a girl just yet - we'll have to wait for the big u/s to know for sure and I haven't made that appt yet. I can't wait!! I'll post the u/s pics tonight when we get home.

I'm so excited and feel like I can finally start breathing easier and truly enjoy this time in our lives - woohoo!!!

Told you so!!

I said I would get in trouble for that last entry, and I was right! I did also get some positive feedback reminding me that I'm normal. Fears during pregnancy are completely normal - most people just don't put it all out there for the world to see.

I went back and re-read what I wrote again, and I think I focused too much on the fear and I didn't really talk much about the positives so I will dedicate this post to those. I had just found out that one of the girls in my April IVF online buddy group had lost her identical twins at 10+ weeks :( so it really brought those fears to the surface.

I don't want anyone to misunderstand me - I am absolutely, completely, 100%, unbelievably grateful to FINALLY be pregnant!! There are so, so many women out there who haven't been as fortunate as me. I love the little pooch that is beginning to develop on my not so flat stomach. If I let it all hang out, I actually kind of look pregnant! I love to do it in front of the mirror, and even sneak a peek at work in the bathroom if nobody is around because they don't know yet :). I've even started to collect a few materity clothes which is exciting for me and a big step, but a necessary one because I can't fit in to several things anymore, woohoo! I LOVE the idea of this tiny little person swimming and kicking around inside me - it's an absolutely incredible feeling and an absolute miracle - I'm in total awe and in complete love!

I don't want people to think that I am completely stressed out either. Yes, I said that I am scared but those are really two different things. What I felt while waiting to take my pregnancy test after IVF, now THAT was some serious stress, but what I feel now is MUCH less severe. I'm a worrier by nature, and I realize that the risk of losing the baby at this stage is extremely minimal, I want to say around 3% after seeing a healthy munchkin at 9 weeks (that is the root of my fears by the way), and I find lots of comfort in that (when I'm thinking rationally which is difficult for the pregnant woman sometimes!), but it still doesn't completely eliminate that worry. I know too much and I've seen it happen far too many times, see above. Now, once we see a HEALTHY Stretch at 12 weeks, that risk will be even less, and that's when I think I'll finally be able to breath a sigh of relief.

What I said about being afraid to think that far ahead is true. I do have a very hard time thinking in trms of WHEN we have the baby. It feels so foreign to me! I do talk about it more lately, but it still kind of freaks me out. I think that the miscarriage has a lot to do with that. When I was pregnant before, even though we didn't tell many people, I was in full blown thinking ahead mode, but we got burned - big time. I think I'm just feeling extra cautious about making those plans yet. It's really hard to explain. I know I'll eventually get past that weirdness, I just need time! I think safely getting out of the first trimester will be a great milestone for me.

I keep feeling that having taken the "long" road, that I'm under more pressure than most to "act" ecsatic all the time about this pregnancy and have that constant pregnancy glow when in reality, I'm so darned tired all the time, and just feel like a giant bump on a log! Hopefully I'll develop that glow in the second trimester because, trust me, I want to be "that girl"!

Trying to relax and enjoy...

But it is so hard!! I'm probably going to get in trouble for this post, but this is basically my journal, so I promised myself that I would be as honest as possible! I'm still just in a constant state of fear - waiting for the other shoe to drop, as they say. I know that this is completely due to my experiences - I think that 3 years of nothing but disappointment and a devastating miscarriage have really damaged me! I think I must have post traumatic stress disorder or something! I just find it so hard to believe that this pregnancy will actually really result in our dream of a real live baby! Most of the time, I just don't allow myself to think that far ahead which is frustrating I know for Brad and probably my family also. I know that everyone expects me to be in a constant state of euphoria and just bouncing on the clouds, but I just don't feel that way, because like I said before, I'm scared of it all crashing down. Now, I have my moments, like during and just after my ultrasounds, when I do allow my mind to go there or when it's just me and Brad and he kisses or rubs my tummy and we talk about Stretch, I know I get a goofy smile on my face and that dreamy look in my eyes and it's those moments that I'm truly ecstatic, I just haven't figured out how to sustain that! I have another u/s coming up on July 5, when I'll be 12weeks2days and I think (I hope!) that once we see a healthy baby bouncing around in there, I'll be able to finally relax and enjoy because we'll be out of that dreaded first trimester. Of course I have additional fears about this u/s, because this is a scan (NT Screening) to see if Stretch is at higher risk of having Down Syndrome or another chromosomal disorder. I'm just hoping and praying that we pass with flying colors!!

Introducing Stretch!

Isn't he/she just precious??!! Brad has named the baby Stretch because of the stretches that he/she was doing today. The head is on the left and the rump is on the right. You can kind of sort of make out some limbs, especially the legs that are kind of curled up towards the belly, but it's hard to tell right now. The sac and fluid are really much larger than they appear, but Stretch is kind of hiding in the corner so at this angle, it looks like he takes up the whole thing! We are over the moon excited!!

Ultrasound results!!

Everything looks just perfect! The baby is measuring 9weeks2days which is right on with a heart rate of 159 which she said is perfectly normal! It's amazing how much bigger the munchkin has gotten - he or she is a whole inch long now :)! It was so cool, we were sitting there watching and all of a sudden the baby started stretching and just moving and grooving in there - I can't wait to feel those movements! We got a great picture that I will post tonight when I get home. Our next ultrasound will be at 12 weeks so right around July 4 for the NT test, which is a special ultrasound to look for markers of chromosomal abnormalities like Down's by measuring the fluid on the back of the neck. I guess there's always something to worry about! We can't wait to see our little baby again!

Nothing to report

Well, I had my first OB appointment today and unfortunately, I did not get an u/s today even though I was totally prepared for one! Oh well. Today, we just met with Dr. K and she went over all the do's and don'ts and took a ton of blood. I go back Friday at 11:30 for the sono so I'm looking forward to that - I hope time passes quickly!!

I'm back!!

It's been a while!! So, we had a wonderful vacation and 7th anniversary celebration (holy cow!) and now we're trying to get back into the swing of things which is tough for the pregnant girl :)! We loved Puerto Rico and St. Thomas, but our absolute favorite was St. John, and now we are anxious to go back there to spend our entire vacation (we were only there for the day). The pic is of us overlooking Trunk Bay in St. John, one of the most beautiful beaches (well probably THE most beautiful beach) we've ever seen.

As far as the pregnancy goes, I'm feeling ok, still really tired and I'm having some episodes of queasiness, normally at night (I'm feeling yucky as we speak), and lots of food aversions which is very unusual for me, ha ha! It's so strange having foods that I normally love sounding horrible to me right now. My main aversions, at least today, are meat and vegetables, blech! I had a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner tonight - I guess Brad may be out of luck in the cooking department for a little while! I also have my first OB appt tomorrow afternoon! I'm excited but still feeling nervous, which I guess will never completely go away. We're very much looking forward to seeing the bambino again and hope and pray that he/she looks perfect :)!! Oh, by the way, I'm 9 weeks today! Time is already passing so quickly. Of course, the week vacation really helped in that department. It was really nice having a break from Dr. Google and all the message boards - I'm a bit obsessed!

I'm still trying to adjust to life without my sweet Dexter. It is going to take some getting used to. You don't realize how much you will miss the little things, like greeting him as soon as I walk in the door with a hi sweetpea! or leaving the shower door open in the morning so he can lick the water up, or seeing him laying in the bathroom doorway every morning while I get ready for work. I think we will eventually get another pet, probably another kitty. I'm not quite ready just yet, but I can't imagine being petless for too much of an extended time.

Dusting off those old pregnancy books...

In my previous pregnancy, I read them all - I inhaled them practically the second I found out, I was so excited to be pregnant and I wanted to learn as much as possible! This time around, it hasn't been quite like that. First, I know a heck of a lot more about pregnancy after reading them once, but second, I was afraid to get them out. They've been collecting dust in a cabinet now for 2 years and I didn't want to start reading again for nothing. Now that I've seen that beautiful heartbeat though, I'm comfortable enough to make the move, so I've slowly started re-reading them. It was especially strange getting my day by day journal out and taking out the sticky notes from last time (because I was too afraid to actually write in the book). I didn't read them, just pulled them out and threw them away. Like I said, I'm feeling much more comfortable, though I'm not going to be completely confident until that second ultrasound, which is scheduled by the way for June 13 with my OB! I can't wait to see the little munchkin again! Hopefully we'll be able to hear the heartbeat too!

I'll be away for a week because we are leaving for our vacation today at 3:30. I can't wait!! We will be spending 3 nights in Puerto Rico and 5 nights in St. Thomas. This is a very much needed vacation for both of us after a very stressful IVF cycle, wild emotional rollercoaster of a week, and Brad's working his butt off for the past 5 months. I feel so fortunate that we are able to travel like we do. The main reason is because Brad travels so much for work, so he earns plenty of points and airline miles - in fact, this trip is 100% on miles and points! We certainly take advantage of it!

Have a fantastic week!

RIP

It's over. My precious kitty has gone to a better place. It's been a rough couple days, but I'm also relieved that it is over. I ended up leaving work early because I was such a wreck and I wanted to spend as much time as possible with him before the appointment at 6:30. When I got home, he was even worse than he had been that morning. I believe that his kidneys were probably completely shutting down. He could hardly stand yesterday, it was just horrible. I am so glad that we decided to do it yesterday because he was suffering so badly. I cuddled with him and gave him plenty of hugs and kisses and said my goodbyes. I called my wonderful pet sitter who had been with him this weekend and she started crying but reassured me that we were doing the right thing based on her seeing how bad he had gotten. The vet told Brad that he was definitely doing the right thing too. Brad stayed the whole time and said that he just fell asleep instantly. I know that he's better off now, but it sure was hard to say goodbye.

Here is our baby!

Wow, my third post of the day!! Here is the pic!! The baby is that blobby looking spot up at the top of the sac, between the two plus signs. Isn't he/she beautiful :)?!

We have...

One healthy baby with a strong heartbeat!!! We are absolutely thrilled!!! The baby is measuring 6weeks6days and I'm 7 weeks today so that is perfect and the heartrate is 126 which is also great! It was the most amazing sight seeing that little heart beating away. I have a picture of our baby and I'll post it when I get home tonight - it's the most beautiful little baby I've ever seen :)! Now we have to wonder which one took, A or B? We have also officially been released from Dr. Douglas, so I have to become a normal pregnant woman which feels very strange - I'm not normal!! Not to the mention the fact that I've become very attached to that office over the last year and a half. Unfortunately, they aren't in the business of taking care of pregnant women. I will call my OB this afternoon to set up my first prenatal appt with them, which seems so crazy! Is this really happening to us?

It's a bittersweet moment considering what is happening with Dexter. There is a chance that we may have to do it today. Brad is going to call them today and see when he can bring him in and it may need to be today because he may have to travel a couple days this week - I just can't handle it myself. I also wanted to thank everyone for sending me such sweet messages about him.

We aren't quite ready to start spreading the news, but I'll let you know in a few weeks. I think I want to have one more sonogram under our belts. Thanks everyone for all the prayers and well wishes that you have sent our way!! We can't tell you enough how much we appreciate them!!

Today is the day

Today is the big ultrasound day and I'll be quite honest with you - I'm freaking out. I need this to go perfectly! I had a dream last night that we saw 2 beautiful heartbeats, and it was just amazing and wonderful - I hope that dream was a premonition of what's to come! Of course, I really believe that there is just one baby in there based on my lower than average betas, not that I am disappointed at all with one baby! Multiples almost always have sky high numbers. Anyway, back to the dream, I never had those kind of dreams in my previous pregnancy so hopefully it is a good sign :). I still feel fine - no nauseau or anything, just really tired and hungry all the time. I'll update as soon as I can!

In other news, I'm incredibly sad to say that we think it is time to put my sweet Dexter to sleep. He was diagnosed with chronic renal (kidney) failure about 3 years ago and at that time, we were told that he would probably only live 6 months to a year, but he definitely beat the odds, until recently. He has gone downhill very rapidly and even with the treatments that we are giving him, he has become almost skin and bones and is so weak that he can no longer jump - even a foot or so jump is difficult for him and he has fallen many times trying to jump on things and I think he's hurt himself because he is limping now. He is in very bad shape and I know he is suffering and it would be selfish to keep him like this. We were out of town this weekend, and even after a couple days away, I could see that he had gotten even worse. We are leaving for a vacation to Puerto Rico and St. Thomas for a week on Friday and I was planning to board him, but I don't think I can bear to force him to spend what could be his last days in a cage at the vet. This morning, Brad and I talked about it and I just burst into tears because I haven't wanted to face it, but I know that I have to. This is my sweet baby who I've had for 11 years and I will miss him desperately, though I already miss him - he's just not the same Dexter anymore. I'm not sure when I will do this, but it would be too much today - it will have to be this week though.

What a depressing post! I hope and pray that I have good news to share this afternoon!

6 weeks down...

Only 34 more to go! This is positive thinking, see??!! I'm officially 6 weeks pregnant today and here is what is to come as I enter the 7th week of pregnancy...

Your baby is 0.16 to 0.2 inches long (4-5mm) when measured from crown to rump. It is now identifiable as a human baby.

The limb buds are growing rapidly, developing into little fins with nodules at the ends which will eventually become fingers and toes. The arms have already differentiated into hand and shoulder segments.

The cerebral hemispheres of the brain are growing, and the eyes and nostrils are appearing. Your baby's heart bulges from its body and the heart chambers are divided and formed. Blood vessels now circulate blood throughout the whole body. The head looks large and is bent on the chest.

Your baby's face is forming, but its eyes are on the sides of its head and are still sealed. The discs that will become your baby's eyes will move over to the front of the face over the course of the next few months.

Bone cells are beginning to develop and the outline of the baby's nervous system is complete. The pigment in your baby's eyes can be seen under the skin overlaying them. By this point there is also a pancreas and an appendix. The tail is still visible, but it will soon fade. The umbilical cord is growing and the placenta is maturing as well.

So amazing!!

So, I officially decided to delay my u/s to Tuesday the 29th. It's just better that way, and even though I'm somewhere between being super excited and dreading that day, I feel a sense of relief. I think part of me would want to put this off forever if I could! It's that self protection thing. Wish us luck!! Only one week to go - ahhh!!!

The agonizing wait...

Ok, this wait (the wait for the first sonogram) is just as bad, probably worse actually than the wait to find out if I was pregnant! I'm going nuts! I'm also scared out of my mind. I wish that I could just be innocent and Pollyanna about it and just assume that everything is going to be just perfect, but sadly, that innocence has been stolen from me :(. The floodgates are officially open and the memories of what happened to me last time are rushing back - ack!! I'm trying so hard to only have positive thoughts but man that is hard!! It would help if I actually felt pregnant. Really the only symptoms that I have are extreme exhaustion (I remember that from last time), and peeing every 5 seconds (I normally pee every 10 seconds).

So, after complaining about the long wait, I'll say that I'm actually seriously considering extending it - Ironic, huh? Here's the deal. My sono is currently scheduled for this coming Friday, the 25th, when I'll be 6weeks3days. I realize that most people do see the fetal heartbeat by that day, but I also know that there are several out there who don't. I'm pretty sure that even though everyone has warned me that it may be too early, and not to worry if we don't see the HB, that I would completely freak out and be outrageously stressed out about it waiting for another sono. So, which is worse, running the risk of a total freak out or just trying to grow some patience and wait it out for 3-4 extra days, when I'll be 7 weeks and the chance of seeing a HB is practically a given? I just wish I had a crystal ball!! Oh well, I have all weekend to stew in it.

3rd beta is in!

It was 404 today. It still isn't doubling every 48 hours which is the ideal scenario, but it is increasing at the same steady rate of every 59 hours or 75% increase every 48 hours. My RE says that it is fine. I'm not jumping for joy because it wasn't quite the spectacular rise that I was hoping for to make me feel completely relaxed and comfortable, but I'm not completely stressed out either. When I talked to the nurse, I didn't have access to a calculator to calculate my doubling time, so I was quizzing her about how good it REALLY was. Anyway, she assured me that it was a nice steady rate and that it looks good, so no more bloodwork is needed and she scheduled my first sonogram for Tues, May 29. About 2 minutes after hanging up, she called me back and said that she could sense that I was feeling pretty nervous so they moved my sono up to Fri the 25th! Yay! This is my favorite nurse by the way :). I'll be 6weeks3days on the 25th and she warned me that it may be too early to see the heartbeat but I know from years of message board experience that most women are able to see the heartbeat by then. So, now we have a long wait ahead of us! This one will be the longest of all, I'm sure! Wish us luck!

It's like deja vu all over again...

Yes, I realize that it a redundant statement. I'm sorry for not updating earlier. I got my beta result late today, at 2:30 and then I had to obsessively surf the internet to research. So, my beta from this morning was 131. In an absolutely ideal scenario, the number would have doubled exactly, but alas, I'm not ideal in this area, never have been! This works out to a doubling rate of 61 hours. An acceptable doubling rate is 48-72 hours so I'm well in the range, but it just didn't knock anyone's socks off. Because it wasn't a spectacular increase, I have to go back Monday morning for another test. I hope and pray that it takes off! The nurse assured me that this wasn't bad, but they're just not ready to stop testing me yet. She did say that Dr. D is taking me off the shots (yay!) and putting me on vaginal progesterone suppositories (boo!) and she assured me that he would not have done that if he was concerned so that makes me feel better.

The reason that I made the deja vu comment is that in my previous pregnancy, my numbers were slow to rise so the beta limbo is very familiar to me. Last time, it was 35 and then only rose to 56 which was a much worse doubling rate of 75 hours. I have no idea why my OB didn't test me again that time, but I do know that my beta levels eventually reached at least 84,000 (the day of the first ultrasound) so obviously they took off at some point. Maybe I'm just a slow starter. I just hope this pregnancy has a much more positive result!! We're already off to a much better start, so I'm feeling good and not freaking out. We're cautiously ecstatic!

Beta is in!

Well, my beta was 76. I'm a little worried that it is low, but the nurse said that it was good number. For my previous pregnancy, it was only 35 on this day (14 days past ovulation/4 weeks), so this is a huge improvement! I think I'm just a late implanter/slow riser. There is a website called betabase, where women can post their beta levels at various days past ovulation that resulted in successful pregnancies and the median for this day for a singleton pregnancy is about 110, so someone has to be below the median, I guess. I'm praying for a nice and high doubling number on Thursday!

Somebody pinch me!!!

I can't believe that I'm typing these words, but I am pregnant!!! Here's one of the three tests that I took last night :). I was so sad yesterday, absolutely convinced that it had not worked and today, you can't wipe the smile off my face!!! I had decided to go ahead and test before my beta, but I decided to do it at night because I just knew that it would be bad news and I could get all the crying out then rather than in the morning before work. So, Brad wanted me to wait until he got home to do it and he got home around 6:30 and as soon as he walked in, I burst into tears. I was shaking like a leaf. So, I peed in my trusty cup, and Brad did the dipping duties with the first one (the one in the pic), and then he covered up the results window with his thumb and we went to sit on the couch to wait. At this point, I started crying again - the stress was about to kill me! After a couple minutes, he moved his thumb and there was the most beautiful sight in the world - 2 pink lines!!! So, because we can't trust just one test, we had to do the EPT and then we did a digital test and all were beautiful dark positives!!! Then came the water works again! We called our families last night and everyone was so excited.

I went in for my beta this morning and the nurse asked if I'd cheated and tested earlier and I said yes, and that it was positive, woohoo! She congratulated me, then stuck me, ha ha. They already have my results and I'm so bummed because I missed her call. She called earlier than she told me she would and I was at lunch and didn't hear my phone ring. She said in the voicemail that it was of course positive and that everything looked great but I didn't get my number which is a must for me so that I can start obsessing! Now they're closed for lunch so I have to wait until after 1:30. I'll update with the number as soon as I get it. I have to go back on Thurs morning for a repeat beta to make sure that the numbers are rising appropriately - they should double about every 48-72 hours. If that looks good then we'll probably stop bloodwork and I'll be scheduled for our first ultrasound at about 6 1/2 weeks. By the way, I'm exactly 4 weeks today!

I feel incredibly blessed that this worked for us on the first try. Thank you again for your support and prayers!! I hope and pray that this is our sticky baby (or babies)!! I have a really good feeling about it. I just feel that this is our time :).

Oh and I have one request. We are not ready to share this news with the world yet and ask that you not spread it around. I've sent this out to very specific people who we would probably tell early anyway. As much as I'd love to shout it from the rooftops, I'm not comfortable with that, especially at this super early date. Thanks!

Nauseous

That is the best way to describe how I feel at this moment. By tomorrow, I may be full fledged throwing up! Oh and before you start getting excited, I can assure you that this is 100% nerves and panic and not pregnancy related. So, my beta (blood pregnancy test) is scheduled for tomorrow morning at Dr. D's office. I will get the results sometime tomorrow afternoon/evening and I have no idea how I am going to survive that wait. I may or may not take a home test before the beta, but I won't update here until I get the "official" blood test result.

So, how am I feeling? I was feeling pretty positive, but suddenly, I'm not. This really began Fri/Sat when it seemed that I lost some symptoms, namely my boobs aren't nearly as sore as they were. I'm sure I look like a freak, constantly feeling myself up. Sometimes I forget that I'm in public, oops! Psycho IVF woman alert!! For what it's worth, in my previous pregnancy, they hurt so badly at the beginning that just hitting tiny potholes in the road while driving was painful, now that did eventually lessen up, probably at about 5-6 weeks which I've "heard" is caused by our bodies getting used the progesterone (this is what causes the pain). I did have some cramping yesterday which may or may not be a good sign. I've been obsessing over message board posts listing people's so called pregnancy symptoms and one thing I have learned is that everyone and every pregnancy is completely different.

I have already started thinking about the next cycle which is terrible I know. Brad refuses to talk about it. I've tried to bring it up several times and he immediately cuts me off. He has the luxury of being able to forget about it. I'm the one enduring the daily injections, analyzing every little twinge, cramp, or whatever in my body, so I number one, simply cannot keep my mind off it and number two, because I'm a planner type, I am always looking ahead to the next step, which would obviously be another round of IVF, though that would likely not take place until late July or August. You typically can't do back to back IVF cycles. Ok, I'm depressing myself, so I'll stop babbling about what's next.

I do know one thing. I am so ready to move on with my life. Trying to conceive has consumed my life for the past nearly 3 years and I feel as if we're "stuck", just running on a wheel like hamsters. Nothing ever changes except that the treatments and stress become more intense. When I say that it has consumed me, that is not a exhaggeration. I think about it constantly and if it's not at the front of my mind, it is in the back, and with triggers EVERYWHERE it's quickly brought back to the front. It's almost impossible to imagine that someday, maybe it won't be that way anymore. What a relief that would be.

Seriously??

You seriously expect me to survive the next week of waiting??? How is that even possible??!!! I was feeling so calm and collected until yesterday and all of a sudden I feel like I'm losing my mind. I knew this would be stressful, but I didn't really know until now. I'm hovering in the delicate state of somewhere between bursting into tears, ripping someone's head off (i.e. the cable company for being such a pain in the a$$ to deal with), or ramming my car into the guy who cut me off this morning. Thank goodness for acu tomorrow. I hope it helps me because I desperately need it!

Oh, and we got the news that we had no embryos to freeze. I was expecting to hear that. I just hope and pray that A&B are thriving in there!

Introducing A&B!

Yes, it's not the most creative name we could have come up with, but it's what we've started calling them. I guess we could start calling them Lucy and Ethel, or Laverne and Shirley or Bert and Ernie or something, but A&B just sounds right. Aren't they beautiful? I just love them! I have the picture hung on the refrigerator so I can look at them everytime I walk by. The one on the right is our "perfect" one - you can see how clean it is. The one on the left is our "good" one and this one has a small amount of fragmentation which is that debris looking stuff that you can sort of see. Fragmentation is not necessarily a bad thing but it just makes this one less than perfect. They are each perfectly 8 cells which is exactly where they should be on day 3 after fertilization.

I am anxiously waiting on a status update on the fate of our remaining embies. We had a couple that were actually still growing as of yesterday, though slowly. They are supposed to call me this morning to let me know if we can freeze any. I'm not really holding my breath, but it sure would be nice!

So far the progesterone shots are going very well and are MUCH easier than I expected them to be! My mom gave me the shots the whole time that she was here, but she's heading home this morning so we're on our own now! Brad is out of town on Wed and Thurs night so I'm going to be doing it to myself the. I'm not nearly as intimidated about jabbing myself with a 3 inch needle as I was before because I've found that when I ice the area really well, I seriously feel nothing - pretty exciting! I haven't really been sore at all either which is a plus. I just wish the waiting part was as easy as these shots!!

Pregnant until proven otherwise!

I am pleased to announce that I now have 2 beautiful embryos cooking away in my uterus! We sadly did not make it to a 5 day transfer. I received the call yesterday morning that 6 of our 8 embies were considered poor quality for various reasons, but I did have one absolutely perfect 8 celled embryo that was considered excellent quality and one 8 celled good quality embie to transfer. Basically what this all means is that I have an egg quality problem which wouldn't have been discovered if we hadn't done IVF. I'm just hoping and praying that I have some good eggs and these two are great ones! They gave us pictures of our little embies and it was so cool! I hope that I'll be able to show our future children their very first portraits! I'll scan them in and post them as soon as we get our scanner hooked back up. The staff at the clinic yesterday all were very optimistic and said that pregnancies happen all the time in these situations, so we're very hopeful. The embryologist explained that because we already knew which ones were the best, there was no reason to wait until day 5 to narrow it down and that I'm a much better incubator than the lab.

As soon as I got the call yesterday morning at 8:30, I raced off to acupuncture and she gave me an extra long treatment which really helped to relax me for the transfer. Even the nurse commented that my blood pressure was low so I must not be too nervous! Oh, the nurse was pregnant, and I of course was thinking oh great, I get stuck with the pregnant nurse at a fertility clinic, but it turns out that she had to do IVF and is now expecting twin boys! That made it me feel much better. When she was telling me about what will happen with the progesterone shots and stuff, I knew that she really knew what she was talking about. The transfer itself was a peice of cake. I had to get in the surgical gown again and had to wear my hair net, and Brad had to put on a bunny suit thing that the Dr wore with the hair net and shoe covers and they wheeled me in to the procedure room. The room is attached to the lab, so my Dr inserted the catheder first and then when it was in and ready, he called out the embryologist that he was ready so they rushed the embryos that were in a little syringe in to the room and Dr. D inserted them into my uterus. The embryologist then had to the take the syringe to the microscope to make sure that both embies came out. The whole thing took about 5-10 min! My mom who was waiting in our room couldn't believe that we were already back! I then had to lay flat with my feet elevated for an hour to allow the liquid medium that the embies were in to absorb into my body so they could stick to my lining. Apparently my lining is very sticky and they will hopefully stay just where Dr. D put them. They will not begin to actually implant for at least 3 more days. Now I'm on bed rest for 24 hours - I'm almost done, thank goodness!

Thank you to everyone who reads this blog and for all the thoughts and prayers that you have sent our way! We appreciate it more than you know!

Lightning, gas and other stuff

We had some really bad storms here on Tuesday night and guess what? Our house was struck by lightning! It was about 10 PM and we were getting ready to go to bed when we heard this LOUD boom and suddenly all our stuff started going crazy, our alarm started going off, our stereo receiver died (fortunately the TV did not) and our phones died. We're pretty sure that the speakers in our ceiling are dead too. That's bad enough, right? Well, yesterday I get home from work and walk in and smelled overwhelming gas fumes. I of course freaked out and opened all the windows and figured out that it was coming from our attic. So, we called the gas company and the guy confirmed that we had a major leak in our attic so he turned off the gas and said, call a plumber. He said that it's fairly common for lightning strikes to blow holes in gas pipes if you have a certain type of pipe which we apparently have. We were so lucky that nothing happened and that Dexter was OK, how scary! So, now we have no hot water until this gets fixed. Brad is trying to get a plumber to come out today and hopefully it will be a one day job. If not, we'll be staying at a hotel tonight! This is the last thing I want to deal with right now. Oh well. Fortunately, our home owners will cover it, but our deductible is high enough. Blah.

In IVF news, as I mentioned yesterday, we will not receive an update on our little embies today :(. They're all by their lonesome in their little petri dish in the lab. Soon they'll have a nice comfy home for the next 9 months in their mama! I "get to" start my PIO (progesterone in oil) shots tonight! I will actually be shooting sesame oil into me (with progesterone of course), wierd, huh? These are nightly shots in the butt with a gigantic 3 inch needle because it has to reach the muscle. I have two circles drawn in permanent marker on my butt for targets - it's very attractive! Brad was refreshing my circles last night because they had started to fade from when the nurse drew them on this weekend and he drew a smiley face on my hiney - silly boy! The circles are so we get it in the right place because if you don't get it in the right spot, you may hit the sciatic nerve or hit a big vessel, which wouldn't be cool. I'm skeered!! My mom is coming into town tonight for the big transfer so she can give me my first shot. She doesn't mind doing that stuff at all, and I know Brad doesn't particularly enjoy giving me shots. I'm going to try to learn to do it myself by twisting my body around. Lots of women manage just fine on their own, so after a few practice runs this week, hopefully I'll work up the courage to do it myself!

It's Octuplets!

We have successfully conceived octuplets! 8 of our eggs fertilized normally and the other 4 all either fertilized abnormally or were empty cells. I'm pretty happy with the report and I hope we have 2 good ones left to transfer! I don't know yet if we will have a 3 or 5 day transfer. Apparently the lab has a policy that says if you have less than 10 normally fertilized eggs they will tentatively schedule a 3 day transfer, but I didn't understand that this was a tentative thing when the embryologist told me that we had a time for the transfer on Friday at noon. I had a minor freak out wondering if this meant that there was something wrong with our embryos and she has such a thick accent that there was a slight communication problem there. So, I called Dr. D's office and they called the embryologist and confirmed that it was just tentative so I wouldn't be caught off guard if it is a last minute decision on Friday to proceed with the transfer. Whew! There is still a pretty decent chance that the transfer will be Sunday. The decision will be made on Friday morning and will be based on how many embies look good at that point. If we have only 2-3, then they will go ahead and do the transfer because I'm a better incubater than the petri dish, but if we have more, then we will probably go out to a 5 day to help ensure that we put the best quality embies back as possible.

I'm sending tons of prayers and positive vibes to our little embies cooking in the lab!

Just an update - I just spoke with another embryologist who apologized for the confusion earlier. I guess the girl that called me this morning is still training which explains a whole lot! I had the feeling that she was as confused as I was. Now, I have a much better understanding of what is going to happen. They will not check the embies tomorrow because they feel that the less they have to take them out of the incubators, the better, so I will not receive a call tomorrow - ACK!! We'll just keep sending those positive vibes their way! They will check them relatively early Friday morning and I'll get a call before 9 AM with the news on transfer day. How am I going to make it through these next couple days?!

A Dozen Eggs!

We had a dozen eggs retrieved this morning! We're very happy and so were the Dr's and nurses. I got home and crashed and just woke up. I'm feeling ok except for feeling really bloated and pretty crampy. I'm trying to drink plenty of fluids! I'm a little groggy still so I'll cut it short for now and update tomorrow when we find out how many fertilized!!

Trigger shot? Check!!

I triggered last night! Woohoo!! That means that my egg retrieval is 36 hours later, and that translates to 8 AM tomorrow (Tues) morning!! My appointment went well yesterday morning and now I have 10 definitely mature follicles with maybe a couple more borderline ones. I'm so excited!! I hope my little eggies are good quality ones!

Sorry, I didn't update sooner, but we decided to put in laminate wood floors in our office/Dexter's (the kitty) room this weekend so we had the computer unhooked most of the weekend. What a job! I wasn't expecting it to be quite this difficult but we had a good time anyway. It's been a while since we've done a big home improvement project like this. My whole body hurts but it was perfect for keeping my mind on things other than IVF and I slept better last night than I've slept in a long time! The floors look great by the way!

Follie Check #3

Steve (the sonographer), the probe and I are becoming very close! Well as of this morning, I had 9 follies that are definitely ready to go, but the doctor has decided that he wants to let it go one more day to see if we can get these 2 smaller guys that are hanging out at 12.5 mm to catch up. He's cut my dose in half for tonight. I hope it works! This means that I'll definately trigger tomorrow night with egg retrieval on Tuesday, which will put the embryo transfer at either Sunday or maybe Friday if we have to do a 3 day transfer for some reason - 5 day is what we're shooting for. I'm getting so excited and so nervous at the same time!!

Follie check #2

Well, my check went fine, not quite what I was hoping for, but I think it was ok. I have 11 follicles ranging from 11-16 (10 of those are 11-14), so they're all growing at about the same rate which is very good. I also have a handful of follies that are at 10 and under that probably won't make it, but my doc may still retrieve them because they do typically retrieve all the eggs even if they know that they probably won't be mature. I was hoping to have 15 good eggs, but I don't want to sound greedy because I know there are plenty of women who have far less follicles than I have and go on to have successful pregnancies. Anyway, I'm trying really hard not to get stressed!! Not such an easy feat! I had bloodwork again today and I'll find out my dosage for tonight and tomorrow night this afternoon, and I go back on Saturday for another check. The nurse did think that I might be ready to trigger on Sat which would be great! We'll see!

Wednesday's update

I don't have much to report today, so this will be brief. The nurse called last night and said that my E2 levels looked great and Dr. D wanted to keep me on the same dose. She had to leave a message so I didn't get to ask her the number, not that it would mean all that much to me at this stage of the game, but I'm a gather as much info as possible kinda gal. Anyway, we're set for my second follie check tomorrow morning at 8:30! I'll update again as soon as I get back.

In an effort to try to stay as relaxed as possible, I'm really pulling out all the stops. I have weekly acu treatments that I've talked about several times. I also had a massage on Saturday which was something that my sweet hubby insisted on because he's so worried about me being overly stressed out. It was wonderful by the way! I also ordered a meditation CD specifically for IVF. It has different meditations for each phase of your cycle with the first track being the stim phase. I've tried to do it for two nights now and I keep falling asleep! It is very relaxing but I can never make it past the breathing part to get to the more important visualization part. My goal is to stay awake tonight!

Stay tuned for tomorrow's update!

Ok, so I guess I don't I need to worry about hyper-stimming

I had my first follie check this morning and I guess things are looking good? I don't know for sure though and I'm just a bundle of nerves about it!! I had 13 measurable follies, with 5 on the left measuring 8-11 and 8 on the right measuring 7-13. I just don't know what to think about those little ones...will they catch up? I don't know, ahhhhh!!! A mature follicle size is generally about 16mm and up, oh by the way those measurements I mentioned above are mm also, so we'll probably stim until as many of those little ones get to a mature or almost mature size, without overmaturing the bigger ones. It's a fine balance. So, they are testing my blood estradiol (E2) level as we speak and then they'll call me this afternoon to let me know if we need to adjust my dose at all. I guess that higher dose of Lupron that they kept me on is really doing it's job, perhaps too well? Anyway, as the title of this entry says, OHSS is really not a concern anymore because that usually only happens when women have like 25+ follies. I just need to keep reminding myself that it's quality over quantity...

Oh yeah, feel free to post comments directly to my blog if you want! I've gotten e-mails from people on it which is also fine. No obligation, just letting ya know it can be done :).